Not relishing DSS returning from uni

[Myfirstcarwasamini]

He is returning mid December and will be here until the end of January. I appreciate it is for a limited time but he is shockingly lazy and a bit of a slob. Prior to him leaving for uni, I did not clean his room or bathroom and left it to my DH to do. (I've lived with my DH and DSS for 10 years). DH jumps about him like a gazelle, serving his every need like a butler so I am fully aware of why he does not have the first clue about helping out as he has never been required to.

My issue is that I have found life to be so much less stressful with him not here, not having to suppress the frustration at the amount of debris he leaves all over the place. Also whilst I admire and am happy for them both that they have such a close relationship sometimes the level of fawning and admiration that my DH has for his DS makes me feel a bit ick. I've tried to analyse myself as to whether it's jealousy - but I don't feel it is - my DH never makes me feel left out. It really is that it's a bit ick and I'm embarrassed by it sometimes if I'm honest.

I am already beginning to feel anxiety and trepidation that I will not be able to hide my feelings. I have considered that once he is back for a few days and the old patterns have returned speaking to him on a 1:1 basis asking for him to contribute to keeping the place tidy by not leaving all his stuff all over the house, not eating in his room etc. Please change your bed once a week and put your bedding in the machine etc.

I'm already planning to keep myself busy with different activities during January so that I limit the amount of time where I need to go out of the room because he is lying all over the furniture with his GF and they are basically eating all the food and leaving a trail of mess behind them.

Any suggestions as to how I can get my head around this to feel less stressed about it?

Maybe venting all this might help in itself? I hope so. He also has atrocious table manners and I'm easily put off my food if I have to sit with someone who constantly snorts, blows their nose at the table or talks toilet habits.

Thanks for reading. I'm open to suggestions or even someone just saying get over yourself.

And this is why we have so many shitty adult men out there these days.

Raise better sons, people.

Washing bedding once a week is excessive

Odd post. Surely it's the norm to wash bedding weekly.

And yet we're told many times on this site that step parents don't need to contribute physically or financially to the care of the children from previous relationships. So no, I don't think they should or do get automatic respect

It doesn't matter, @waytooearlyforthis

She's still senior to the dependent young adult.

Just no. There should be no superiority, there should just be respect. Why on earth should the step parent be superior? They should be respected but there doesn't need to be a deference especially if as commonly is the case that the step parent does nothing for step child.

Sorry but every culture since humankind's origin (and in animals) has a pecking order that distinguishes children from adults.

That's why there are coming of age rituals in every culture.

He is childish and should be treated accordingly. She is indeed senior to him in their household.

Children are not the equal of adults.

Especially a teenage boy!

Hourly, surely. This is MN after all!

In your shoes OP I would use his housemates’ WhatsApp message as an excuse for a chat with your DP

”DP, you know that message DSS got about the washing up, well I think we need to teach DSS to be a bit more domesticated or he’s going to end up with no housemates. To be honest I don’t like him leaving dirty stuff around either so I’m not surprised his housemates got sick of it. How about we both encourage him to clean up after himself?”

Edited to add: this way you are framing it as being for DSS’s benefit and it doesn’t become you vs DSS.

See I think you're wrong. I think families are about respect. Sometimes that means one person is more of a priority then others but it's flexible. I personally don't think deference works even between parent, I think deference is from fear or just for the sake of doing it. I also think deference is a massive sage guarding risk. I would rather just be respected.

Just because another adult sleeps with / lives with / marries the parent of the child doesn't in itself give them any particular status other than that they should be given the general respect you give any other person of any age. The step parent does not deserve deference purely because they're an adult.

Other people can be annoying, teens and young adults particularly so. For bio kids the parental love is there to balance that out.

Op, I sympathise with your frustration but I would play the long game here. What is surely most important of all is that dh and ds’s have a good relationship and the visit is a success. I would personally just let all these little things go in the interests of that.

Get some films lined up, stock up on snacks in your room, a few nice pre mixed cocktails, line up some nights out with friends to give you the breaks you need.

I would rather stay single than be with a man who has kids like these. I honestly don't know a single blended family where there are these types of issues.

And next year when he’ll house share!! And there will be no one c9mingbto clean the kitchen/shower etc….

Tbh I think it’s pointless trying to make the OP’s DH realise how bad his ds is re cleaning etc…. If it hasn’t happened now, it never will. And I fear for any potential girlfriend

It might be that the DH will realise how crap his ds is re tidying when seeing the obvious difference between the last few months and when he is here. Incl the plates/food etc… left in the living room. (His bedroom is the ds problem).
But im not holding my breath.

@Myfirstcarwasamini id have a chat with your DH and tell him you’re not going to clean up behind your SS. And then leave him to it. Let him feel the consequence of having one (or 2 with the gf?) leaving a trail of mess around.
And then, as you said, plan plenty if stuff to do on your own. Go and see your own ds, see friends, her involved in some nice new year resolution etc….

Nobody came to clean the kitchen/shower in my DC’s first year of halls either!

Clearest example of a step parent expecting to be treated with superiority to the actual child of the person their in a relationship with.

Eh? What complete and utter shit.

With dc1, they did tte showers (no ensuite….) and the kitchen (floors, not sure they sue anything else!).
Theyve also had issues with rats 🫣🫣

He has learnt some living away from home skills while at uni.
Do feel comfortable to complimenting him on any cleaning and helping tasks that he now does..
If you need to comment on issues that need improvement always start from acknowledging his new helpfulness or reflect back on his uni days... At university you would have washed your own linen, I know, but here just change the sheets once a week and leave the dirty ones in the basket please. Fridays would be good.
I hope I didn't wake you from your sleep in - you've slept in for the past two weeks. How about getting up and having breakfast a bit earlier now that you have caught up.
It's so great that you like to help with the bins/dishes! I'd like to show you how to use my vaccume so you feel fine in doing your own room while you are home.
It's great have you here - so good to have you home for a big long while.

Would you have time to help me paint the front fence in a week or two?