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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Not relishing DSS returning from uni

68 replies

Myfirstcarwasamini · 28/11/2023 18:27

He is returning mid December and will be here until the end of January. I appreciate it is for a limited time but he is shockingly lazy and a bit of a slob. Prior to him leaving for uni, I did not clean his room or bathroom and left it to my DH to do. (I've lived with my DH and DSS for 10 years). DH jumps about him like a gazelle, serving his every need like a butler so I am fully aware of why he does not have the first clue about helping out as he has never been required to.

My issue is that I have found life to be so much less stressful with him not here, not having to suppress the frustration at the amount of debris he leaves all over the place. Also whilst I admire and am happy for them both that they have such a close relationship sometimes the level of fawning and admiration that my DH has for his DS makes me feel a bit ick. I've tried to analyse myself as to whether it's jealousy - but I don't feel it is - my DH never makes me feel left out. It really is that it's a bit ick and I'm embarrassed by it sometimes if I'm honest.

I am already beginning to feel anxiety and trepidation that I will not be able to hide my feelings. I have considered that once he is back for a few days and the old patterns have returned speaking to him on a 1:1 basis asking for him to contribute to keeping the place tidy by not leaving all his stuff all over the house, not eating in his room etc. Please change your bed once a week and put your bedding in the machine etc.

I'm already planning to keep myself busy with different activities during January so that I limit the amount of time where I need to go out of the room because he is lying all over the furniture with his GF and they are basically eating all the food and leaving a trail of mess behind them.

Any suggestions as to how I can get my head around this to feel less stressed about it?

Maybe venting all this might help in itself? I hope so. He also has atrocious table manners and I'm easily put off my food if I have to sit with someone who constantly snorts, blows their nose at the table or talks toilet habits.

Thanks for reading. I'm open to suggestions or even someone just saying get over yourself.

OP posts:
MeridianB · 02/12/2023 06:57

Totally understand why you feel the way you do, OP.

I agree with posters suggesting you step way back the whole time he is here. Let DH run himself into a frenzy of excitement as he does all the food shopping and cooking and entertaining.

Id eat with them as little as possible and be out or in your room. I’m not usually a fan of this kind of passiveness but I think you’d be fighting a losing battle trying to change the dynamic completely now.

For the record though I think your DH is the issue as he allows all this to happen and it sounds like he has failed to instil basic courtesy in his son. He’s also showing disregard to you!

waytooearlyforthis · 02/12/2023 07:14

booksandbrooks · 01/12/2023 08:14

"Her house, her rules."

Except it's his home too. Washing bedding once a week is excessive.

Honestly if my stuff had to contained in my room lest it be unceremoniously dumped back up there, I'd feel like I was being rejected from the family.

I think you have to either use your words, allbeit gently or try to tackle this as a couple. Give him chores but imo not related to his bedroom and not related to removing traces of his presence. Clearing dishes etc/ washing up. Many people would do a few loads of laundry for them coming home though.

He's coming home for his first Christmas after living away, I would tread carefully making him feel like it's not his home anymore and you'd prefer no trace of him. I think that's the quickest route ti more stress for all concerned.

I completely agree with this. It's his fathers house and his home too, it's incredibly passive aggressive to dump everything belonging to him back in his room as if you're containing an unwanted intrusion.

waytooearlyforthis · 02/12/2023 07:15

excelledyourself · 01/12/2023 14:09

Her house, her rules.

Not the dads house then? Or the DSS's home?

Apparently not.

And people wonder why some adult children don't visit their parents. Although it sounds that would be preferable for the OP.

billy1966 · 02/12/2023 09:36

If someone of 20 is inclined to leave their stuff all over the house, then it is perfectly reasonable to return it to their room.

I do this all the time here. I don't want random stuff all over the house so if I find things I will leave them on their bed as I pass.

Didn't realise it was PA.😁
Admittedly it isn't loads of items, no more than a couple, if it was I wouldn't be PA, I'd be very verbal about it.

Hols24 · 02/12/2023 09:57

billy1966 · 02/12/2023 09:36

If someone of 20 is inclined to leave their stuff all over the house, then it is perfectly reasonable to return it to their room.

I do this all the time here. I don't want random stuff all over the house so if I find things I will leave them on their bed as I pass.

Didn't realise it was PA.😁
Admittedly it isn't loads of items, no more than a couple, if it was I wouldn't be PA, I'd be very verbal about it.

Returning personal possessions to his room is fine, but one poster suggested doing the same with his dirty dishes.

CandyLeBonBon · 02/12/2023 10:23

I'd be feeling the same with my own dc tbh if they were this feckless. But you sound like a great Stepmum who rightly expects an albeit inexperienced adult to start behaving in an adult fashion. Personally I'd present him with a list of house rules so there's no confusion about what's expected of him. Sit down with dh and come up with a set of expectations that dh can give him, if it's better coming from him.

Housemates won't be so polite and he's not stupid enough by now to not understand that his slobby behaviour is accepted by anyone other than his dad.

He's doing it because he can. He's 20 ffs, not a baby!

billy1966 · 02/12/2023 10:24

Hols24 · 02/12/2023 09:57

Returning personal possessions to his room is fine, but one poster suggested doing the same with his dirty dishes.

Show quote history

Missed that, don't be giving me ideas 😁.

I would be VERY verbal if I was to find dirty dishes around the house.

Absolutely not.
That is absolutely filthy, and completely unacceptable.

As for children not returning home?

I keep telling my eldest that he needs to move out and experience real life in a shared house and he keeps replying he has squatters rights and isn't moving ANYWHERE!

He has lots of old university friends house sharing in the city live in, and is appalled at their living conditions.

He's far too invested in his considerable home comforts to want to leave anytime soon.......

I am working on it though....😁

LaurieStrode · 02/12/2023 10:38

PizzaPastaWine · 28/11/2023 20:32

Your DH needs to step up here and set some ground rules. DSS is doing this because he has allowed it to happen.

Exactly. Why is your husband not doing the responsible thing: teaching life skills and manners?

It's not "loving" to raise a boorish, inconsiderate slob.

Now that step son is adult, i would not hold back in your shoes.

"Liam, no more toilet talk at the table."
"Liam, please clear your rubbish from the lounge and wash the dishes."
Etc

LaurieStrode · 02/12/2023 10:39

Hols24 · 29/11/2023 20:48

He's an adult so I don't personally think you can really ban him from eating in his room or insist he has to put his sheets in the wash once a week. Fair enough to ask that he pitches in with other chores while he's back though, and doesn't leave a mess downstairs.

I can totally see why you're not looking forward to having him back though!

It's fine to have a house rule against eating in bedrooms.

Mischance · 02/12/2023 10:41

First step is to talk with your OH about what ground rules need to be in place for peaceful coexistence. Then you both need to communicate that to DSS (before he comes home) and enforce them.

If you and DH cannot agree about what those rules should be then there will need to be some willingness to compromise; but whatever you both decide upon you must both enforce these.

LaurieStrode · 02/12/2023 10:42

booksandbrooks · 01/12/2023 08:14

"Her house, her rules."

Except it's his home too. Washing bedding once a week is excessive.

Honestly if my stuff had to contained in my room lest it be unceremoniously dumped back up there, I'd feel like I was being rejected from the family.

I think you have to either use your words, allbeit gently or try to tackle this as a couple. Give him chores but imo not related to his bedroom and not related to removing traces of his presence. Clearing dishes etc/ washing up. Many people would do a few loads of laundry for them coming home though.

He's coming home for his first Christmas after living away, I would tread carefully making him feel like it's not his home anymore and you'd prefer no trace of him. I think that's the quickest route ti more stress for all concerned.

He's not the head of household. She is. If he wants to stay there, he needs to shape up.

LaurieStrode · 02/12/2023 10:44

Also, pull the plug on the WiFi till he gets off the sofa and cleans up.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/12/2023 12:44

I would have a chat with DH and say although you love him
And are excited to see him you're dreading the mess
That comes with him and you don't want that to impact your relationship- what can DH do about this to meet everyone's needs?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/12/2023 12:46

Myfirstcarwasamini · 30/11/2023 14:40

Thanks @GrumpyPanda - good suggestions. I've decided anything left downstairs will be deposited on his bed. I'm just going to keep busy. I'm hoping he'll find the night life back home very dull & will want to return early to uni !! Here's hoping. I will also be making time to see my DS at his place as another escape venue !!

I don't think that's very nice. If he leaves things down stairs eg and envelope he planned to post, or the hat or headphones he wants when he goes out, then this could be really
Annoying. Why don't you have a drop zone eg a basket in the hallway and tell him it's his to keep his stuff in. Thank him in advance for using it. That feels much more welcoming as though it's his home too rather than he's an unwanted guest.

HaddawayAndShite · 02/12/2023 12:50

LaurieStrode · 02/12/2023 10:42

He's not the head of household. She is. If he wants to stay there, he needs to shape up.

Show quote history

And the husband? Head of the household 🤢

Floofydawg · 02/12/2023 12:52

It depends on the dynamics, doesn't it. My DH moved into my house and his kids stay here. I made it clear that it would only work if they followed my house rules. He chose to move in. Having said that SS16s bedding hasn't been changed in months and I'm not bloody doing it.

LaurieStrode · 02/12/2023 12:54

And the husband needs to accommodate his wife's standards, not defer to a slovenly and disrespectful teen.

No wonder so many young men these days are poor specimens, with so many women on here willing to excuse grim and inconsiderate behaviour.

Floofydawg · 02/12/2023 12:58

And the husband needs to accommodate his wife's standards, not defer to a slovenly and disrespectful teen.

Completely agree

Imreallytiredandanxioustoday · 02/12/2023 13:08

I have this problem too. DSS is here most weekends and DH trays him like a king. He is completely helpless because of this. I've raised until I'm blue in the face.

Goodornot · 02/12/2023 13:17

Floofydawg · 30/11/2023 17:32

Her house, her rules.

Show quote history

Quite. It isn't just affecting OP he is a nightmare to live with at Uni and his flat mates have issues with it.

I'd raise it in that way with DH. He is messy and untidy at uni and this will do him no favours.

Tell DH he has to stop doing everything for him as he clearly can't clean up after himself.

Goodornot · 02/12/2023 13:18

As for the table manners just say at the time please not at the dinner table.

Floofydawg · 02/12/2023 13:45

My SS(16) slurps everything he eats. I don't eat my meals with him any more as I can't stand it.

waytooearlyforthis · 02/12/2023 13:48

Floofydawg · 02/12/2023 12:58

And the husband needs to accommodate his wife's standards, not defer to a slovenly and disrespectful teen.

Completely agree

Clearest example of a step parent expecting to be treated with superiority to the actual child of the person their in a relationship with.

Birdcar · 02/12/2023 13:52

I think that your expectation might be a bit high.

The mess that you are describing is annoying but it's pretty common for that age.

LaurieStrode · 02/12/2023 13:56

Yes, @waytooearlyforthis

Because she's the adult. In most (sane) cultures, children and dependents are expected to respect the adults who are supporting them and providing them with a home and other basics.

It doesn't matter whether they have a legal or bio tie. I'd say the same if it were her child, a nephew, a lodger or stepson's friend.

Decent table manners and cleaning up after oneself are rock-bottom basic expectations.