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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Family Holiday.

70 replies

MrB91 · 14/11/2023 08:43

Looking for some advice/help with a situation that I am going through at the moment. Hopefully this is the correct place to look.

A little backstory.
So I have an 11 year old daughter from a previous relationship but I am now married with a further two daughters. My eldest come to stay every weekend Friday to Sunday evening.

The issue that I'm having is my wife wants to take "Our" two girls on a family holiday abroad without my eldest. This is where I disagree. I believe if we all can't go then none of us do. As it's unfair. I've tried asking her to put herself into my shoes by asking would she take one of our children and not the other, but with no joy.

Am I right or wrong to think this way? Or is it okay to leave a child behind

OP posts:

DiverseButters · 14/11/2023 08:44

Who is paying?

Does the 11yo want to go?

If the 11yo wants to go, is available to go, and you are paying, then yes she should be invited.

bluejelly · 14/11/2023 08:45

I think she is wrong and you are right. You can't exclude just one girl.

LemonLimeDivine · 14/11/2023 08:46

What’s her reasoning?

GrumpyPanda · 14/11/2023 08:47

Is the issue she wants to go outside of high season but your eldest is in school then? And if so, why didn't you state that in your OP?

ElevenSeven · 14/11/2023 08:48

I am a SM. We did some holidays with my DSC and some without. To be honest, DSC (understandably) completely monopolised DH when they were with us, so it was fine to allow this and have separate holidays without out them so our DC had time with him too. This was always when we didn’t have them for the weekend anyway.

TeenDivided · 14/11/2023 08:50

If the 2 youngest are pre-school then going away in term time doing a pre-school friendly holiday makes sense.
Provided eldest does get to go away at other times of course.

Original poster

MrB91 · 14/11/2023 09:00

Thank you all for your replies
We have joint accounts so we both will be contributing.
The reasoning she is giving is the cost to take my eldest child.
So has suggested we take her every other year, but to me that doesn't feel right.

OP posts:

Chunkychips23 · 14/11/2023 09:05

If your youngest two aren’t in school yet, then it makes sense. I assume your daughter gets holidays with her mum as well? So either your eldest gets to go or your youngest two don’t get a holiday at all?

Maddy70 · 14/11/2023 09:07

All go ..... your daughter would be Incredibly hurt

Maddy70 · 14/11/2023 09:09

Your wife is also disregarding your feelings also not OK

You are a family unit. All go or no-one goes

Original poster

MrB91 · 14/11/2023 09:12

Yes sorry my two youngest are only 1 & 3 so are yet to attend school. unfortunately her mother has never taken her away so the only holiday that she gets is with me and my wife.

OP posts:

justalittlesnoel · 14/11/2023 09:13

I mean does your eldest go on holidays with her mum and family?

If your two youngest are very young compared to your daughter and not constrained to term time, why wouldn't you take them abroad for a week? Its much cheaper term time!

I guess if you're willing to pay the extra ££ from your personal fun money (if that's how you split things) that would make a bit of a difference imo.

Ohdearwhatnow4 · 14/11/2023 09:18

Could you compromise and do everything other year abroad with all 5 then on alternative years, cheap holiday abroad out of term time with the 4 of you then some one with all 5 even if just a long weekend. Their needs would also be different. You have 2 families so it's hard.

Ohdearwhatnow4 · 14/11/2023 09:18

Everyother year typo

LaurieStrode · 14/11/2023 09:29

Of course she has to go. Your wife is being cruel.

ChateauMargaux · 14/11/2023 09:44

You have, at most, 8 years, when you can build a relationship between siblings and with you as a family.

You could take your little ones away during term time and also have a family holiday with you all together if you can afford more than one holiday per year. You could also take her away on her own for a holiday.

TheCrystalPalace · 14/11/2023 09:46

If it's the money involved taking three children instead of two, how would your wife feel about leaving one of (her) younger two behind?

Thought not.

JanewaysBun · 14/11/2023 09:47

2 x holidays, the one with your eldest being a more older child friendly destinstion and the one without more toddler focused.

Chunkychips23 · 14/11/2023 09:51

I do feel for you. You’re caught between a rock and a hard place. Either one misses out or the two youngest do.

I don’t think your wife is being intentionally cruel, the cost of going away in term time to suit your older daughters needs increases the cost astronomically. Because of that, it then means your youngest miss out on a family holiday because you are catering for your first child. Though the two youngest are at the ages where they wouldn’t even notice that they’ve not had a holiday to be fair. Based on that, would it be worth shelving the family holiday for 1-2yrs to save up a little more so your eldest can come too? Your little ones will also be old enough to enjoy it more too

Lilyt14 · 14/11/2023 09:53

I think you’re right to be concerned about this and your point to your wife, re how would she feel about taking just one of your shared children away, js spot on. Taking just the younger two away without your older children will really damage your relationship with your older child.

This topic comes up a lot and I think overall it seems that the parents who only have the shared children seem to think it’s justified by the fact that you can take advantage of cheaper holidays or just cheaper in general to take fewer children, or is justified by the fact that they go on a holiday with their other parent. However I also see a lot of posts on here about SC getting to a point where they no longer want to go to the other parents house at weekend. Which I often can’t help feeling that in some situations this is due to years of the SC being made to feel (possibly not intentionally) like they are not as important as the children from the “new” family due to not being included in family holidays ect.

Well done for challenging your wife’s request to not include your first child. I’m assuming your wife knew that you had a child when you got together, therefore it’s not fair for your child to then be excluded from the family holiday because now that you have other children it is no longer convenient to take her.

Mylovelygreendress · 14/11/2023 09:56

Lots of offers for a free child place so why not look at them ? I have just booked a Jet2 package for me, DH , DD and 2 DGC and have a free child place . Going in August to Mallorca.

dhworry · 14/11/2023 09:56

My exdh ended up with 8 children/step children and only took his youngest and his wife's dd on holiday as all the other kids got holidays with their other parent. They literally couldn't afford to take all of them.
I understand that but this is very sad for your dd as its saying she's not a full member of your family. And this would be her only holiday too. I'd stand my ground . She may want to take 'her' children alone of that was the case I would say you should do the same with the three children.

Original poster

MrB91 · 14/11/2023 10:25

Thanks again for your replies.

My main concern is the lasting effect something like this would have. Money is not an issue I can always make more of it But the bond and relationship is harder to get back once it's lost. No child should feel isolated in their own family.
She's suggested taking our two children with her parents. Which doesn't help the situation, apart from my wife's side.

OP posts:

RedCoffeeCup · 14/11/2023 10:29

You have to put your foot down OP and say you won't go without your eldest DD. It would be different if she was having lots of lovely holidays with her mum and without the two younger ones, but as she's not this would be really unfair.

DottieMoon · 14/11/2023 10:31

I agree with you, I can only imagine your eldest daughter would be very hurt. I could not leave out one of my children, especially if she was not going on any holidays with the other parent.
I think your wife is being very selfish and cruel.

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