Family Holiday.

[MrB91]

Looking for some advice/help with a situation that I am going through at the moment. Hopefully this is the correct place to look.

A little backstory.
So I have an 11 year old daughter from a previous relationship but I am now married with a further two daughters. My eldest come to stay every weekend Friday to Sunday evening.

The issue that I'm having is my wife wants to take "Our" two girls on a family holiday abroad without my eldest. This is where I disagree. I believe if we all can't go then none of us do. As it's unfair. I've tried asking her to put herself into my shoes by asking would she take one of our children and not the other, but with no joy.

Am I right or wrong to think this way? Or is it okay to leave a child behind

She's suggested taking our two children with her parents. Which doesn't help the situation, apart from my wife's side.

Without you or your DC? Tbh, if you’re said you won’t go without your eldest DC, then this is a fair compromise. She shouldn’t be prevented from going without you.

If you were after a break away during term time then I can see where your wife is coming from.
However as a big family holiday, you can’t exclude her.

I’m with your wife. Toddlers and pre-teens have very different ideas of a fun holiday. Plan a term-time holiday with your toddlers and then something suitable for your eldest like an Alton Towers trip or a European city break with just you. Then next year a holiday all together.

Your eldest is old enough to understand a) term time holidays are five times more expensive and b) that she has different interests to toddlers. Realistically this will only be an issue for the next few years until your middle child is in school.

I can absolutely understand why she’d want to go outside of school holidays , there is also a huge age gap so would it matter too much if you maybe did one in school time aimed at the little ones and then went someone else in the holidays more geared up for your older one? Regardless of joint finances I wouldn’t be comfortable paying for my DHs kids though, we don’t have any together, so we just split the bill accordingly.

I really can see both sides , it’s a tricky one but your older daughter is no more or less important than everyone else in your family and so it’s crucial to consider the thoughts and feelings of everyone.

Also, I’d like to add. You not going is a horrible option. Why should your smaller kids miss out on time with their dad so that you can make a point / take a side??? That’s not going to end well if they grow up feeling second class ( as second wives often do)

how much Time in the week would you usually have your older daughter at your house?

As a step parent, I could not only ever go on holiday with DSS and I would not let my own DC miss out on getting to go when they are young and it can be afforded because my DP had a kid with somebody else who was older. Sorry OP. You've chosen to have a complicated life where you don't just have a traditional nuclear family - you will have to accept that this comes with compromise. Maybe that means you go on some trips without her but you keep them discreet and don't rub them in her face (this is what we do), or maybe it means your DP goes alone with the kids or with her family. But what I don't think it is reasonable for you to expect it to mean is that she views things as you do and only ever goes on holiday with your daughter.

She might need to accept that you won't want to go away without one of your kids, but equally you need to accept that she isn't one of your DPs kids so she probably will want to do that.

Your wife shouldn't be paying for your older child. It's very unfair on the little ones for you to dig your heels in.

Your wife suggested a good compromise - alternate years.

This. If OP really wants to make a stand and stay home alone, he can, but he shouldn’t be surprised when his wife feels like she’s a single parent already and it causes a split down the line.

I'm in your dw position.

I have a 12 yr old who lives with us full time- doesn't see his biological dad.

He has a 11 year old who we only see in school holidays due to a huge distance.

And together we have a 2 year old.

My 12 year old is at a private school so I can take him out of school for holidays (if needed) and he also gets more time off anyway.

His dc does not and can't take time off.

We haven't taken my son away yet but I can see it being a possibility next year just due to the cost.

A holiday for three children in a school holiday is extortionate in comparison to a school holiday in term time with two children.

But his dc does go away with their mum/family too on holidays so they dont miss out as such.

It's hard but we aren't a straightforward nuclear family.

We will probably do a holiday altogether at some point if we can afford it. But I don't want my children to miss out on any
holidays- maybe that is selfish of me.

If my partner really objects; I'll just take my two away solo without him.

If I were the stepchild here, and my dad went away with his new wife and their two children without me, I would be extremely upset. Especially if that meant I got no holiday at all.
"Blended" families are complicated, both from an emotional/psychological and financial aspect. I know, I'm a stepmum as well as a mum. Ours are off an university now, but it would never have occurred to either my partner or me to take any of our DC away without the others. From time to time, we went off on separate short breaks, but our main holidays were always spent together. No matter how much (or indeed how little) time, DC and DSC spend together they should all be treated as one family, in my opinion.

Your wife is being unreasonable.

Money isn't an issue in that you can't afford it so it isnt this holiday or no holiday.

Your 8 year old is old enough to know and be hurt.

Just like you have to accept you aren't part of a nuclear family so does she.

It's OK to do activities suited to each child's age range. So if you are doing a big family holiday then look at doing a smaller break aimed at the younger kids in term time.

Hey OP,

I understand both points of view. I can fully understand why you don't want to leave your eldest out, but also understand your wife wanting a holiday without her once in a while.

Do you find that when your eldest is around you spend most of your time with her? Could this be part of the reason your wife would prefer to go without her on this occasion - because she wants you to be available to help with the younger 2? I have 2 older SCs and a 1yo and quite often our days out/holidays are spent completely split because obviously the age difference means different things are appropriate/enjoyable for the children.

Given the age gap, could you compromise and do something that your eldest wouldn't be interested in?

I also think it's unfair not to allow your wife to go on holiday with her parents if you don't want to go too. To me that sounds like a good compromise. She goes away with your little ones, you stay home and see your daughter for your usual weekends.

You are right and your partner is very very wrong. It’s nasty and harmful to exclude one of the family children from a family event.

I would consider whether it’s in your daughters best interests to stay married to someone who cares so little for her.

Also, are you sure on how your daughter would feel about this?

We go away both with and without my SCs. We usually do a week together in the Summer and then through the year we might do a few long weekends just with our baby and it doesn't bother SCs at all. They are at school and it's not like we're taking her to Disneyland.

I think if there is an option to do a second holiday with her during school holidays she might not be as bothered as you might think.

I would put your foot down & insist. Your eldest most certainly shouldn’t be excluded. That’s something she’ll take with her into adulthood.

Your wife is being unreasonable. Your poor Daughter.

Just like you have to accept you aren't part of a nuclear family so does she.

But she is doing that, by suggesting alternating and her going with her parents. That's what compromise means - not just one person getting their own way, that isn't him accepting anything.

The only one who would suffer here is his eldest daughter and SHE didn't choose this set up.

OP is correct to not want to leave one of his children out of a family holiday.

I don't think there are many women who would leave one of their children at home and take the others on a nice holiday so I'm not sure why a father is expected to think it's ok.

No, her compromise means two of his children instead of one don't get a holiday with their father. That isn't compromising, that's being emotionally manipulative to try to appear as reasonable.

It is perfectly possible to compromise that all of the children get a holiday with their siblings and parent.

And take a second holiday that the OP wife can spend with her bio children and her partner.

Which unless the reason isn't cost but actually she does just want to exclude her SC should be a perfectly reasonable compromise.

Surely it's the mum who would be making a point?

OP has said he doesn't want to go without one of his daughters and his wife has said she'll go anyway and take her parents?

Then she definitely needs to go with you.

It's good to hear both sides of the coin.

It does appear to me that I'm in a lose lose situation.
Which ever decision I make I will be upsetting someone. Something I really don't want to do.

@Holly60 I would suffer if I only ever got to go on holiday with my DSC.

My DC would suffer if they didn't get to go because my DP couldn't afford to pay for DSC and us all to go in the school holidays.

Whether or not OP is correct or not is a matter of opinion, not absolute, and in my opinion, more compromise is needed in these situations. Especially if he's planning on vetoing her going away with the kids without him.

It is a hard one. We did go away without the SC several times with our own DC. We didn't at the time have as much disposal income as their Mum and the years we did it they were going on expensive holidays with her.

If they hadn't been going on holiday I would have felt guilty.

Is it possible for you to do 2 holidays?

One in term-time with your younger children and another one all together during the school holidays?

If it's based on cost alone then no she's being unreasonable.