Family Holiday.

[MrB91]

Looking for some advice/help with a situation that I am going through at the moment. Hopefully this is the correct place to look.

A little backstory.
So I have an 11 year old daughter from a previous relationship but I am now married with a further two daughters. My eldest come to stay every weekend Friday to Sunday evening.

The issue that I'm having is my wife wants to take "Our" two girls on a family holiday abroad without my eldest. This is where I disagree. I believe if we all can't go then none of us do. As it's unfair. I've tried asking her to put herself into my shoes by asking would she take one of our children and not the other, but with no joy.

Am I right or wrong to think this way? Or is it okay to leave a child behind

I think we need a bit more info OP.

Can you afford to go with everyone in the summer? Are your wife's concerns about finances valid?

What kind of holiday is it?

I also think you need to factor in how much leave you have. Taking leave when OP's DD is in school means less available for seeing her in the holidays.

You have three children, so for you a family holiday includes them all. It's not complicated.

If she want a holiday with her two children she can take them on her own.

Absolutely fine for your wife to take the two little ones on a term time holiday with her parents. Maybe you could join them for a few days mid week. You and your oldest girl can have a bit of time together while they are away and do a nice day trip/weekend somewhere.

Does your oldest girl get any time with you on her own anymore or is it always with her little siblings? I understand they are all your children and you want them to have an equal relationship, but that just isn't possible. As much as she might love the little ones, I bet she would also appreciate having some time with just her Dad, and not having to take their needs into account.

You have your daughter every weekend, basically all of your downtime, she's possibly exhausted by her and needs a break. Hence why she's suggesting you don't come either, maybe take the hint and let her go without you

But what you do decide will define your relationship with your first child.

If her reason is cost and yoj don't see that as an issue then why isn't she happy with you paying more as a solution

100% I would not be cutting 1 child out of family holidays!

I don't know why it's even a question, why would you leave one child out?
I honestly hope for the sake of your daughter, you stick with your original response.
I have been that 8yr old girl who's father left her at home and whilst he was holidaying with his "new" family. I spent every other weekend with him and longer in the school holidays. I had to sit there and listen to all the amazing things they did whilst we always spent the weekend at home due to their supposed money issues. Yet my younger siblings had countless days out, holidays and experiences.
I wish my father had a backbone and I felt like it was my family too.

We decided to alternate, but in my situation one of my step children doesn't ever want to go the other does. Also the other parent takes them away every year so they go abroad every year. On the year we don't take them abroad we still do a mini holiday in this country.

I do agree your eldest needs to feel included and by not inviting her especially to a first family holiday is not right and will cause issues.

But by alternating and ensuring you do something special on the year you don't take her will be a good compromise.

For our home holiday this year we are taking them all to legoland for four nights in the new Lego chalets.

I have a 5yo from my marriage and am now pregnant with my current partner. I would never ever consider taking my younger child away without my older daughter. She is as much part of the family as my newborn will be and my partner thinks so too - he loves her too and he'd never ask me to leave her behind. It shouldn't be about who is paying what, your daughter is your child and part of your immediate family along with your younger children and the fact that your wife can't see that is really sad.

My fear is my daughter feeling like this - obviously I'll do anything and everything to make sure she doesn't feel excluded and I think it's really important that you do too OP! My pregnancy hormones may be making me react quite passionately about this 😂

Maybe, but who deserves to be upset the least?

The child who already has to cope with the parents living in two separate homes and her father having a new family and children that get to live with him all the time, or the fully grown adult that knew exactly what she was choosing and who will get a holiday either way?

You have the opportunity to be a good parent or a horrible parent, that choice is yours alone. As are the consequences of that choice.

Does your oldest girl get any time with you on her own anymore or is it always with her little siblings? I understand they are all your children and you want them to have an equal relationship, but that just isn't possible. As much as she might love the little ones, I bet she would also appreciate having some time with just her Dad, and not having to take their needs into account

Could just as easily be the other way around. I've had to look my DH dead in the eye and ask him when our kids special daddy time is if every single weekend is devoted to DSD. He hadn't done it on purpose but my eldest had started to click on that when his sister is around, daddy isn't.

If money isn't the issue...why not take a toddler friendly holiday with wife and two youngest. You then book a city break or another holiday to spend time with your eldest. You don't see her as much as the others and therefore would be nice to get some one on one time?

My dad took my stepsister on all
sorts of exotic holidays, only ever taking his own three children a handful of times. Can’t pretend it didn’t hurt, or that we didn’t notice, but it was part of a much bigger picture of a dad who just didn’t really care about us.

If money is no object you should take your oldest.

I think its fine. Your eldest won't be as into what the little ones are. I'd go on holiday with the little ones especially if they haven't started school yet as prices will shoot up BUT then I think you ideally should take your 11 year old somewhere more appropriate by herself. A weekend in London or Paris or something like that.

Absolutely this. All the kids deserve some attention by themselves

She is a part of your family she can’t be excluded because it’s more expensive! Especially if as you’ve said, money isn’t a huge issue. Would your wife be ok with excluding one of her own children once they reach school age and only going on holiday with the younger one? Absolutely not. This is probably more about wanting a family holiday this is just ‘her’ family tbh. Please stick up for your daughter and put her foot down, she is not a lesser member of your family.

This. OP you have 3dc to consider, your dw has two. It seems she does not consider your dd to be part of the family unit.
For those who say 'but the step child gets a holiday with them mum', would you feel it's OK to not buy your child Christmas presents because they are getting from their other parent?

If your DC is only 11 have you considered just taking her out of school too? She won't be in an exam year or anything. Even paying the fine it'll be cheaper than going in school holidays.

If your wife still makes excuses not to take her, then you'll know what the reason behind it really is