Christmas Day drop-off

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DSS 14 has just said to DH that he wants to be at ours Christmas Eve and Christmas Day morning. Previously DH and I had agreed we wouldn’t do handovers on Christmas Day as it’s a bit rubbish for everyone having to run their day on someone else’s timetable with lunch times etc.

DSS mum has said she cannot pick up. We also have a 3-year-old DD and are hosting DH parents and mine.

AIBU to really not want DH disappearing for over an hour round trip to drop DSS back? Would be very happy for him to be with us all day, but I really hate Christmas Day being interrupted.

For context DSS wasn’t with us last year but was the year before. Before that has always been with mum (things changed after we had DD).

I expect you will be able to cope without your DH for a n hour, and he might well enjoy the break

I think YABU, it's only an hour out of the day and it must be hard having separated parents at Christmas. DH could always take your 3 year old for the journey to give you a bit of a break too if you wanted, sometimes a little time off from all the excitement is good for little ones.

I wouldn’t want him to be disappearing for an hour while hosting or preparing to host both sets of parents. Try to come up with a solution all of you can be happy with. Or you leave him back and leave oh hosting/cooking.

I would genuinely try to make it work. In a few short years DSS will be driving and it’s only an hour.

Definitely sounds doable and as pp said take the 3 year old with him, that will give you time to clear up for lunch. Sounds a great compromise.

Surely you haven’t planned the day to the nth degree that you are doing something every minute? You have four other adults who can help you with your 3yr old. 1hr out of the house is nothing. Use the time to cook uninterrupted with a glass of wine, or go and have a bath, or just sit and chat with your parents and play with your child’s toys.

An is not unreasonable

Would the mother compromise and meet half way? We do that sometimes.

I think it’s reasonable. Get him to take the little one out too and you get a break!!

YABU. DSS is already 14 so this is not going to go on for years. Even if he were little though I would still say YABU.
What would your DH say to his son? “Sorry you can’t come from Christmas morning, your DSM can’t stand for her day to be interrupted while I drive you home?”

Would you say no to your DD being with you on Christmas morning because of the same issue?

I'm swapping Christmas Day and Boxing Day (food wise) for this exact reason, Christmas Day will be a chilled day with casual meal times so I'm not annoyed when DP is running back and forth with his dc. We'll be having the big Christmas lunch on Boxing Day instead.

To add I'd be happy to have DPs dc here all day, it's just the travel time that's an issue.

It's not ideal, but 11.30 to 12.30 for example surely would be doable?
One year DH did 4hrs driving to collect my MIL for the day and take her home again. Not ideal, but needs must.

Previously DH and I had agreed we wouldn’t do handovers on Christmas Day as it’s a bit rubbish for everyone having to run their day on someone else’s timetable with lunch times etc.

I certainly wouldn't be missing out on seeing my DC on Christmas Day because it would mean nipping out for an hour, it's hardly running my day on someone else's timetable it's just that my timetable for the day has to factor in picking up/dropping off DC.

Most separated parents do a handover on Christmas Day - what was the arrangement for Christmas before you came on the scene?

It's not the end of the world is it? If it keeps dss and his mum happy, I don't think it's a massive ask.

Imagine - 10 years time, you've split up with dh (hypothetical), your dd is at theirs, and your now dhs new partner put her foot down to him driving your dd to spend some time with you on Christmas Day. How would you feel?

Who is the most irritating / hard work of the 3 year old, your mum, his mum, your dad and his dad. I would probably agree as long as he took the most irritating one with him!

Definitely a good compromise 😂

I get where you’re coming from. I was sick of my Christmas days being disrupted by handover and the stress and logistics that went with it (not the kids fault!).

Why can’t mum pick up or meet half way?

I think YABU - DSS has asked to come when previously he has only spent one Christmas with you. I am sure with a bit of flexibility on both sides this can be made to work. Similar happens for one of my grandchildren every year. They have Christmas Eve or Boxing Day with dad each year (depending on mum's work rota) and Christmas day is split. Parents/teenage child agree where Christmas Dinner is happening and drop off time is arranged accordingly.

Why can’t his mother pick him up?

Sounds like your SS is wanting to make sure he spends time with everyone, which is lovely. Pp's are also correct in that it's not the end of the world, it is doable, it's only an hour etc. but I totally get where you're coming from.

We have done a Christmas handover every year apart from one and it kind of sucks! Its a hassle to work around someone else's plans, we all find it incredibly unsettling (more so than normal as you're trying to fit in everything on a tight deadline), and it's just really hard work, it's not what anyone other than ex wants, plus my DH does all of the driving 100% of the time too.

So you have my sympathies, but I think you should agree to it this year and keep in mind that hopefully SS will be driving in a few years and be able to take himself between houses. Maybe you could try arrange it so it won't interfere with your lunch plans, he could go back at 12 and you guys eat at 2, for instance?

We do this every year. We alternate Xmas and transition time is 2pm. 2 stepkids live 10 mins away and the other 40 mins.

We just prep as much dinner the night before or in the morning. Your DH being away for an hour is no big deal really.

YABU. Being without your DP for an hour is a tiny compromise to make it so DSS can see both his parents and little sister on Christmas Day.

Exactly. Even my parents, when hosting, are happy to work around the stepkids drop off/pickups. It's just the way it is and it's only a big deal of you make it one.

Could your dh do the cooking and entertain his dps and you do the handover? You could have a nice relaxing Christmas Day and still be the hero of the hour accommodating your dss. And you’d have to sit down to a nice relaxing drink when you get back instead of washing up to make up for being the dry designated driver earlier in the day.