Christmas Day drop-off

[Tralalalaaa123]

DSS 14 has just said to DH that he wants to be at ours Christmas Eve and Christmas Day morning. Previously DH and I had agreed we wouldn’t do handovers on Christmas Day as it’s a bit rubbish for everyone having to run their day on someone else’s timetable with lunch times etc.

DSS mum has said she cannot pick up. We also have a 3-year-old DD and are hosting DH parents and mine.

AIBU to really not want DH disappearing for over an hour round trip to drop DSS back? Would be very happy for him to be with us all day, but I really hate Christmas Day being interrupted.

For context DSS wasn’t with us last year but was the year before. Before that has always been with mum (things changed after we had DD).

So he wants to come to yours to be with his sister for Xmas Eve and presents? That's pretty sweet.

If you refuse will he be with you all day and unhappy or will he not come?

DH can drop him, taking the 3 YO with him, or GP could do the trip or DSS could go in a cab. You could even go for a walk while he's out. You don't need to make a big deal out of this, it's not a good look.

It's an hour. Make it work.

YABU. Your DSS has asked for this and your DH would surely love to have both his children and his parents together on Christmas Day

You have a teenager who wants to spend Christmas morning with his young sibling and then understandably wants to go see his mother for lunch. Take the win.

yes, driving is less less than ideal, but this is like the holy grail of half sibling bonding.

you can’t make this happen, It
has to happen organically. Take advantage while you have it and it might just firm into a lifetime bond.

I can see it from both points of view, I’m in the same position myself

part of me agrees with lots of others it’s only an hour and shouldn’t cause that much disruption but in practice it can ruin the whole day. The last time we did it I said never again dp ew was late getting the kids ready in the morning for us to pick up so I was late getting home and my dad was already sat outside waiting, this meant dinner was late and as soon as we sat down to eat dp ew was constantly texting dsd to find out where there were. The whole meal was ruined dsd was on her phone dp was upset about dsd being on her phone and banned her, then dsd sat and sulked. Dp got the kids straight into the car after the main and everyone missed out on pudding.

That was the last in a long running saga over Xmas where we were constantly on the clock and stressed and being hurried up by dp ew she was getting later handing them over in the morning and wanted the returning earlier and earlier. Dp has said enough and we now do a second Xmas day on the 27th.

YABU

Hmm. Depends, really. How do drop off and pick ups normally work? Is it normally the person having DSS who does pick ups? If so, I would wonder what DSS mum is doing that makes her more indisposed to pick up DSS than your DH is to drop him off?

On a regular day I'd leave them to it, but as you're in a position where you're hosting you and DH family you would somewhat be left in the middle of it during prime dinner prep time. So ideally DH and his ex would work something out that was sensible and didn't just pass the stress on to you.

Also he is 14, my parents were divorced and I never got to say what happened at Christmas, never thought twice about it. Would it be the end of the world to sort a pick up/drop off time that worked for the adults who are putting the day on for everyone?

FWIW I think it is a nice idea DSS has had. But there might be a way to sort the logistics better.

You aren't wrong to have those thoughts, it's just that the kindest thing to do for the child in this case is to make it work. The ex and her being unhelpful is annoying but not the most important thing.

We never switch on Christmas Day. It’s too disruptive all round. I especially wouldn’t do it at lunchtime! It would spoil the day! This year we said if you want them back Christmas Evening then you have to come and get them from the house otherwise we will meet half way Boxing Day morning. ( my ex is getting them in the evening as local , his ex Boxing Day as she’d rather die than come to our house!)

I think you mean his mother can't stand for her day to be interrupted and won't pick her own child up on Christmas Day.

@Tralalalaaa123 what reason has the mother given not to pick up her child to spend Christmas afternoon with her?!

Christmas Day handovers are a pain in the arse. I hate it but we have it with my SC because ex won't just do alternate - we did insist however that the pick up is much later in the day so it doesn't interrupt dinner, and whoever's house they are going to in the afternoon, that's who picks them up.

In our house DH's ex demanded the day be split but it was the only time she would ever meet him halfway for handover. The rest of the year she made him do all the travelling.

I think the least the ex can do is meet halfway then it's only half an hour out for both of them

I’m really glad you have backed down, that would have been really unreasonable to not allow your DH to leave the house for an hour to take DSS to his mums. Especially when you’ve said that both sets of grandparents are around to help out. If this is normal behaviour from your then it’s going to end in one of two ways 1) your DH protects his relationship with his DS at the expense of your marriage or 2) your DH let’s you control his relationship with his child and that overtime erodes his relationship with DSS (I say this based on my own experience as a child).

I totally get that it can seem overwhelming when there’s lots of handovers. We do significantly more of the driving for handovers for my DSC (albeit we do less of the driving for my DC) however I can’t imagine using this to justify making it difficult for DSC to move between the two houses.

YABU. It's only an hour

What its one hr.
He is a kid. Why cant you facilitate this ?? You are being completely unreasonable

Perhaps she is the resident parent and feels she already does more than her fair share?

I don’t see how this is for the convenience of his mum? Surely she’d rather have her son for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and it’s for his and your husbands benefit that he is at your house? Who asked for the chance in access over Christmas? How often does dad look after him? If it’s once a fortnight and mum does all of the care and lifts the majority of the time it’s not unfair to expect dad to make some contribution

I think doing the switch on Christmas day is shit. But if that's what DSS wants give it a go. It's best for your DH to be dropping off otherwise you're tied to whenever the ex rocks up. So there is usually a lull after Christmas lunch. Could he go then? Or whenever suits you all best.

I don't think YABU at all, but clearly I'm in the minority. If his Mum wants to see him in the afternoon, she should collect him. It's your Christmas as much as hers and DSD's.

We’ve done every year where we have Xmas with our younger dc and then a week later over new year we have dh dc it works well

Alternate Christmas. We moved our Christmas day to Boxing Day on the year mother had the children. No rushing around. Less stress. Children have 2 special days.

I take it all this is being presented as your problem OP and that you are expected to cook and host and clean all day while also dealing with the SK drama while SK and dad and biomum make their own or echo the SK’s demands. After hearing similar attempts at ‘we all need this and you do the impossible’ Im leaving my DP and his kids to it this Xmas. I’ve booked an all-inclusive holiday with my kid and a single friend. How I shall enjoy those cocktails. Mwahahahahaha.

It's not unreasonable. Your husband should make sure his family arrive early enough to spend a good hour with their grandson before he drives off at 1/4 to noon.. Maybe someone will accompany DH and SS for the hour long drop off.