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Original poster

Pick ups and drop off

32 replies

Vaveen088 · 28/10/2023 00:24

I been needing some advice. I have a 16yr step kid that solely lives with us and both parents go work so they don't have time to drop of and pick him up from school, or even the same with games..

So as a step mom I do what I can to make it work so he can attend his games however sometimes I feel slightly overwhelmed picking sk from school, then heading straight to a game on the opposite slide of town that goes on for 2 hours along with a 2 year old and 5 year old with me

some days I don't get back till late which also messes up with sleep schedule, dinner and so on for the little ones. Now I have options to drop him off and go home but by the time I go home I have to pretty much go right back out and believe me driving around for something to do is no ideal of fun I do my best to kill time untill he finishes games ...

I asked my partner if there is anyone to help drop him or pick him up so that I don't have to wait around ... But my partner said there is no one to do this during that time frame am not sure if I sound rude but sometimes I just want to go home it's a lot doing this 3 times a week and I told partner it's your duty to communicate with bio mum since they want him to play so bad but have no input in helping out with pick up and drops offs and have the mind set of the step mom can deal with his affairs I know he is a kid and am trying but It can be alot sometimes

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HirplesWithHaggis · 28/10/2023 00:29

How are the bus services in your area?

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 28/10/2023 00:34

Why can’t the bio parents help? Can’t you drop DSK off at the activity and dad pick up later? That’s too much dragging two Other kids with you, if it’s three nights a week at the worst you do it once a week, mum another and dad another. You must be exhausted and your partner/ husband needs to step up and work this out

Heatwavenotify · 28/10/2023 00:42

Meant kindly. But the biggest problem here is you. This is not a problem you need to resolve. I’m all for families pulling together to make it work. But you’re the only person making it work. Stop! When the parents have sorted things out then you can offer to help at times that suit you if and when. Stop being a doormat.

fluffypotatoes · 28/10/2023 09:06

You shouldn't be made to feel like you have to do this. Each child has two parents, their two parents should make it work. You need to put your children first. Their mum needs to put her children first and dad who has decided to have two mums to his kids needs to make it work for everyone

Pleasealexa · 28/10/2023 09:10

What time is the training session? I don't think it's reasonable for you to do it, all the time, given you have small children.

What's the situation with the mum? Do his parents go to watch games?

aSofaNearYou · 28/10/2023 09:37

Just don't do it. His parents will need to sort it out like everybody else's parents have to.

Original poster
Vaveen088 · 28/10/2023 11:10

Thank you I will put my foot down as it's getting to much it's crazy to assume us as step moms are like nanny's when it comes to parents not wanting to deal with there own child

OP posts:
Original poster
Vaveen088 · 28/10/2023 11:13

They only watch games but they don't get involved in pickups or drop off so I have stood my ground and said I will drop him then I am leaving for them to figure it out

OP posts:
Original poster
Vaveen088 · 28/10/2023 11:17

I totally agree and from this day on I am no longer going to wait as step moms we do alot and this is going beyond a mother role I told my partner going home and going back out late night is also to much so I am just going to drop off and leave....

OP posts:
Original poster
Vaveen088 · 28/10/2023 11:22

I totally agree and now that I have changed my mind set I am telling myself you are doing a lot and this is where I need to step back but I do have a question ? Are step parents required to do the whole drop of and pickup just to make the marriage work or do we have rights to say I don't want to get involved because when I say that they think I am being evil for not wanting to help

OP posts:
Floofydawg · 28/10/2023 11:28

Vaveen088 · 28/10/2023 11:22

I totally agree and now that I have changed my mind set I am telling myself you are doing a lot and this is where I need to step back but I do have a question ? Are step parents required to do the whole drop of and pickup just to make the marriage work or do we have rights to say I don't want to get involved because when I say that they think I am being evil for not wanting to help

In the 11 years I've been with my DH I think I've picked his kids up all of once, as a favour. It's not expected of me, and nor should it be expected of you.

NorthernSpirit · 28/10/2023 11:35

He’s 16 - he should be able to get himself to school / activities on his own (some 11 YO kids are travelling across London on the tube to get themselves to secondary school).

Stop being a martyr - it’s not your responsibility to taxi him round.

I’ve been a SM for almost 9 years - I haven’t done one pick up / drop off or taken the kids to activities. They have parents to do that.

Nothanksthanksanyway · 28/10/2023 11:41

I would not be driving around my step kids like this, no. They have two parents and it’s up to them to make it happen. They are basically treating you like hired help.

ellyo · 28/10/2023 11:43

Are step parents required to do the whole drop of and pickup just to make the marriage work or do we have rights to say I don't want to get involved because when I say that they think I am being evil for not wanting to help

If your marriage working depends on you doing all the pick-ups and drop offs in this scenario, then your marriage is on shaky ground indeed. And of course they will try and make you feel bad - it's an arrangement that works excellently for them!

Personally, the fact you feel under such pressure to do it, and consider it necessary to 'make the marriage work' is to me a sign that you're being manipulated and pressured. It's one thing to recognise that a blended family requires some give and take and flexibility, it's another to feel that the success of your marriage relies entirely on you saying yes to everything that's asked/demanded of you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/10/2023 11:44

Good decision. Your step son has two parents, it’s not your job to put yourself and your own young children out to facilitate something they planned. Hold firm.

GrumpyPanda · 28/10/2023 11:48

Hold firm and don't do anymore pickups unless it's an emergency. It's the parents' business, full stop. Not to mention this is a 16 year old, not a 6 year old. They take a bus or they can get a bicycle.

WishIWasAtHomeInstead · 28/10/2023 12:02

I think you're doing too much and I think it's odd that there isn't more understanding from your husband and step child to not put everything on you. However, I also think those step parents who do nothing for their their step children and seem proud of it are too far the other way and surely aren't actually being step parents.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 28/10/2023 12:14

I don’t get involved in my two stepsons sports at all!! I was tried to persuaded to help earlier in the year and stood my ground as my DC needed naps and they took priority … if you are being told you are evil that is 100% a DC problem tells you a lot about where you stand in regards to respect in the family and relationship… I wouldn’t stand for that

Floofydawg · 28/10/2023 13:28

However, I also think those step parents who do nothing for their their step children and seem proud of it are too far the other way and surely aren't actually being step parents.

I cook for him. I buy food he likes. I wash his clothes. I built an extension on my house so that he could have a bedroom here. But I am not a taxi service.

MeridianB · 28/10/2023 19:00

At 16 he should be getting around on his own - why are you dropping him everywhere?

It would be bad enough if you had no children but dragging the tiny ones with you is so bad for them at this time of day.

Let his parents solve it - they both sound checked out.

Backagain23 · 28/10/2023 21:23

Better to be thought to be a shitty step mum than actually be a shitty mum.
Put your DC first. Nobody else will.
I help out with my DSC of course, but I do not build my tiny children's world around her schedule. That would be completely unfair and it's simply not happening. Luckily my DH seems to respect me and our children so it's not an issue.

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 29/10/2023 10:12

Think about it, if you’re “evil” for not wanting to do all the running around for your step child, then what does that make the actual parents, seeing as you’re doing more than they themselves are?! Yet another situation of a step parent being held to higher standards than the biological parents.

Prelapsarianhag · 29/10/2023 13:05

I wonder if your DH is controlling.

billy1966 · 30/10/2023 18:44

OP
You are their skivvy aupair.

You are 100% being used.

What about YOUR children?

Being dragged out and hanging around.

Why are this childs parents tell you how you live?

They both refuse to be involved but tell you what to do.

You sound young, vulnerable and naive.

Your partner doesn't care for you at all, his priority is that he and his ex avoid all the difficult parts of parenting and that you do it.

He doesn't care if your young children are dragged around the place day in day out.

He sounds very selfish.

I feel very sorry for you and your children being used like this.

billy1966 · 30/10/2023 18:51

Vaveen088 · 28/10/2023 11:22

I totally agree and now that I have changed my mind set I am telling myself you are doing a lot and this is where I need to step back but I do have a question ? Are step parents required to do the whole drop of and pickup just to make the marriage work or do we have rights to say I don't want to get involved because when I say that they think I am being evil for not wanting to help

OP,

Your language is very strange.

Is your partner controlling and abusive?

You are asking what your "rights" are?

I think you should contact Women's aid if you have to ask such a question.

Do you not believe you have freedom of choice?

You sound a bit afraid.

Why would you feel that you have responsibility to do what suits your partners ex wants?

It sounds toxic and controlling and NOT normal.

His school and sports are nothing to do with you.

Your children are being impacted and no one cares.