Partner’s active kids/tiny cottage what do I do

[Cottagecoredesigner]

Please advise…I am divorced 5 years and live in tiny very pretty cottage with 10 year old very clean and tidy son. I got together with a chap 18 months ago and in the last 6 months he’s been bringing his 2 kids over for weekends. We go to his place too. It’s great at his home, disaster at mine! He has a large 4 bed semi with kitchen island, big garden with football goal and trampoline, playroom. Me and my son have very small cute cottage with things like reading nook, tiny courtyard garden, rocking chair, minuscule kitchen with butler sink, nice bath with legs, hanging copper pans, all the cottagecore. My partner’s kids are much more active than mine. They’re basically not used to a teeny tiny house full of nick nacks and are breaking stuff every time they’re here. They put shoes and coats seemingly everywhere. They ask why is the garden so small. They bounce balls inside. It is driving me crazy. I’m not used to it. What do I do? I actually love my tiny cottage and anyways can’t afford to move. 😬

Yes technically they are my half siblings well done. Still my siblings, still close to them, still love them. Is it an issue for you for people to not be fully blood related? This is the last as I will say as we are highjacking the thread! Good evening to judgemental lady!

This isn’t a blended families in general thing. This is a specific this OP and her boyfriend have quite different ideas about what family life should look like. His parenting is very different from hers and his idea of good (somewhat feral children) is quite different from hers.

That is not generally a very promising position to try to blend a family from. You are going to clash a lot. The likelihood is that one partner will end up doing all
compromising. It may be better to not try to blend and, instead, have a nice relationship with days out together and no need for everyone to figure out how to live in one place.

I'm not trying to be harsh at all but if you'd like your relationship to progress he probably needs to up his game massively. Its not acceptable to throw balls around and hang off bannisters in anyone's House even their own. He's not setting them up to be welcomed anywhere.
Equally if you are considering a future in a house together sometime down the line how do you want it to look and how do you want a together home to function?
As the family grows they have their mates round etc even with the best behaved kids, I'm finding my insta house is no more lol

Ha @IncomingTraffic your stepkids (if I’ve understood that right) sound just like my BF kids. May I ask if this was a reason for their dad’s status as STBXH?

His crappy parenting is one of the reasons he’s a STBXH. But his terrible personality, utter selfishness and general nastiness is the bigger picture to that. I made a huge mistake and totally misjudged his character basically.

You’ve probably exercised much better judgement in choosing your partner than I did!

There seems to be no barrier to just going to his. Just say there's more space at his. The class stuff.... I'm not sure it is that but you sound like you're worried about rocking the boat because you've found someone you click with. However it is putting you on edge and the kids are trashing the house so stand up for yourself and say it's not working with the current arrangement. Before they break all your stuff.

So let's fast forward a few years here... you & your boyfriend decide to live together... how is that going to work? It obviously won't be at your house so will either be in his house which you will want to decorate as you like it or in a new (to both of you) joint place which, again, you are going to want to decorate how you like it. What are the rules going to be then? That his boys can't play as they like? It might be that they're screen fiends by that age so it's less of an issue but the best way of getting mine off screens in the winter is to set the table tennis net up across the dining table or roll up the rug and put the badminton net up across the sitting room to either play badminton or soft ball volleyball.

Yeah this.

He's not putting his kids first AT ALL

I feel sorry for my poor kid now, they spend pretty much every weekend with us, being 8. They aren't of an age to be out hanging around their mates house and going off without us. I thought this was normal but seemingly a 7 and 9 year old shouldn't be spending time with their parents at the weekend. Who knew?

Weirdly it’s our kids who’ve decided they want to hang out together at the weekends. They’re all neurodiverse and don’t have big social lives (being 7,9 10 they’re a bit young for socialising too). My BF is like ‘mine want to come to yours because they want to see your son and you live in the centre of a town and I’m in the country.’ I’m like ‘ok but please, the house!’ So we do spend a lot of the summertime in parks and what have you, to avoid the feral. But I think it is likely a case of sitting them all down and saying ‘ok you want to come here but you have to then realise you can’t be bodyslamming against walls so paintings fall down or swinging on bannisters or jumping on sofa.’ I will clearly tell the BF to tell his kids instead of me telling them as I'm not their parent (and have no desire to step into that role).

Actually one reason my BF brings his kids to me is that my son and them get on brilliantly. Theyre a really happy little gang.

Sounds like he's using your son to entertain his kids so he doesn't have to parent them

It’s not really a case of prioritising one over the other. I spent my life savings renovating a small otherwise inhabitable house in a good school district so we could live somewhere (without damp and without paying a premium I didn’t have for someone else’s renovation) in this good school district. My son and I really enjoyed doing it together - from age 7 he was a total aesthete and I thought well, during lockdowns, as we’re going to need a new bathroom, walls, floors, let’s make it really lovely and make it our hobby. We did his room like it was a Star Wars ship and did a TV den and lovingly planted the garden during all those locked-down holidays and weekends. We got plant cuttings of friends to make an indoor garden. The house is tiny and not worth much financially but it’s really special to us.

House would also be hard to sell now, estate agents have advised, as other people moving into this school district don’t want a tiny cottage unless they are also a single parent with one very neat and tidy kid. So I’m stuck here, willingly, and just trying to keep it nice.

You’re right. And of course I’ve not thrown myself into the stepmum role and we’re not a blended family. At most we are two people who love each other who also have kids and need to find solutions for when our (very different) kids come together once a month or so. The kids adore each other but as we both prioritise their schools, not disrupting them, keeping their relationships with our exes constant, we’re never going to try and ‘blend.’ (I look at ppl who do this and wonder if it isn’t mainly for adults’ convenience and good luck to them all, but not for us.)

Is there a reason why you can’t do all the big meets up with the kids at his house as it’s the one that accommodate you all? Do you/your son want to be at home more?
I think you are overthinking this tbh. You sound like a lovely mother and a great thoughtful dad’s girlfriend. It sounds like a great relationship and situation except for your house getting smashed up. But surely the solution for that is staying where there is room. Definitely not you moving to accommodate guests, that’s daft.
You actually sound very compatible to me. Yous agree the kids come 1st, yous agree there’s no need to move in together, yous are obviously thoughtful of eachother and the kids. Your kids might be different but they get on well. What’s the issue really?

OP,

He wants to come to yours because the children want it.

Time to say No.

If you cannot be clear onnyour boundaries with your home you should not be dating anyone.

Your house is too small for lively children.

Thats it.

You go to his or you go out with the children.

Be firm.