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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Partner’s active kids/tiny cottage what do I do

90 replies

Cottagecoredesigner · 23/10/2023 01:44

Please advise…I am divorced 5 years and live in tiny very pretty cottage with 10 year old very clean and tidy son. I got together with a chap 18 months ago and in the last 6 months he’s been bringing his 2 kids over for weekends. We go to his place too. It’s great at his home, disaster at mine! He has a large 4 bed semi with kitchen island, big garden with football goal and trampoline, playroom. Me and my son have very small cute cottage with things like reading nook, tiny courtyard garden, rocking chair, minuscule kitchen with butler sink, nice bath with legs, hanging copper pans, all the cottagecore. My partner’s kids are much more active than mine. They’re basically not used to a teeny tiny house full of nick nacks and are breaking stuff every time they’re here. They put shoes and coats seemingly everywhere. They ask why is the garden so small. They bounce balls inside. It is driving me crazy. I’m not used to it. What do I do? I actually love my tiny cottage and anyways can’t afford to move. 😬

OP posts:
PantsOfDoom · 23/10/2023 10:04

They basically need a good old run about in the local park twice a day to burn off energy. First thing each morning and after lunch also

Paltrypam · 23/10/2023 10:05

Every weekend he drags two active kids to a teeny tiny cottage, away from their large home

just unbelievable how skewed some people’s priorities are

PantsOfDoom · 23/10/2023 10:06

It doesn’t have to be the park actually, it could be different activities .. swimming, football, skateboarding, local gym, bike ride, run, trampolining

EvenBetta · 23/10/2023 10:07

They should be at your boyfriends house and he should be parenting them, they're there solely to spend time with him. Enjoy your weekend with your kid. No need for his kids to be in your home.

Paltrypam · 23/10/2023 10:09

Cottagecoredesigner · 23/10/2023 02:14

Yeah I think enjoying having ‘free range children’ (these are 2 boys 7 and 9) is a luxury only those with big houses can afford. I’m going to have to have words aren’t I?

Or decent parents

Azerothi · 23/10/2023 10:11

Paltrypam · 23/10/2023 10:05

Every weekend he drags two active kids to a teeny tiny cottage, away from their large home

just unbelievable how skewed some people’s priorities are

This.

You and your boyfriend are prioritising yourselves over your children. This will have unpleasant consequences for your very clean and tidy son.

Original poster
Cottagecoredesigner · 23/10/2023 10:19

IncomingTraffic · 23/10/2023 07:11

Even in a big house - who is letting their kids play with balls?

Disney dads. Generally. In hindsight, the fact my STBXH let his ride scooters and ride on toys all around his kitchen (making trying to do so much as make a cup of tea dangerous as you might be rammed in the legs by them) was a big red flag about his view of fatherhood more generally.

It is really worth thinking about whether your DS wants to end up being dragged to stay at your boyfriend’s bigger house every contact weekend. He probably wants to stay in his home.

Ha @IncomingTraffic your stepkids (if I’ve understood that right) sound just like my BF kids. May I ask if this was a reason for their dad’s status as STBXH? Actually one reason my BF brings his kids to me is that my son and them get on brilliantly. Theyre a really happy little gang. Thing is my home is so wee and twee that I’ve never really hosted play dates. If my son wants to invite someone we will eg go to the cinema and maybe back to mine for a quick tea. I know a lot of kids who’ve grown up in large houses like my BFs but don’t behave like these two tho! Maybe Disney Dad but I think exw has similar standards. From what BF has told me, him and his ex were the stereotypical rich North London hippies who’d see child drawing on a wall as important self expression. Everyone has a therapist but no-one was taught table manners or took bedtimes seriously. I’m too working class for all this - I come from a family where no one was allowed in the good front room! There’s definitely a social class element to our different parenting styles and I think I’ll always face this. I don’t meet many men from my own background. I was a scholarship girl with v strict parents and carrying the expectations of two generations of non-graduates on my shoulders. I have a lot of friends who came from money and sometimes can’t believe how laissez faire they are with their kids. My bf and his exw came from families who bought them their first homes and all their furniture and maybe stuff is just less precious if someone gave it to you. I probably seem crazy to BF’s kids when I let them in and say ‘shoes off please’ before rushing to make sure my minuscule Le Creuset collection is out of reach.

OP posts:
caban · 23/10/2023 10:21

Why do you keep inviting them over?

arethereanyleftatall · 23/10/2023 10:23

Ok, so you like your bf, your kid likes his kids, the obvious solution is to never meet at yours. Either his or out somewhere.

Original poster
Cottagecoredesigner · 23/10/2023 10:26

Paltrypam · 23/10/2023 10:05

Every weekend he drags two active kids to a teeny tiny cottage, away from their large home

just unbelievable how skewed some people’s priorities are

With respect no-one’s being dragged anywhere. Our children get on really well - i see from the blended family horror stories on here that’s so unusual many MN-ers wouldn’t consider it possible - and ASK to see each other at weekends. BF has been bringing his to mine once a month. He’s not the sort of useless dad who would bring kids to me so I can parent them. He cooks much more than I do and is happy to take all 3 of our kids out by himself while I go to an exercise class. Thing is me now dreading the visits because of my tiny house. I should probably just put my foot down and say until we’ve been together long enough for me to consider getting a bigger house in a not as nice area, we’ll spend our all-together weekends at BF’s house and our couple time at mine.

OP posts:
Reugny · 23/10/2023 10:29

Thing is my home is so wee and twee that I’ve never really hosted play dates. If my son wants to invite someone we will eg go to the cinema and maybe back to mine for a quick tea.

You need to continue doing this with your bf children.

Basically plan it so the only time you are all in your home is when they need to go to sleep.

From what BF has told me, him and his ex were the stereotypical rich North London hippies who’d see child drawing on a wall as important self expression. Everyone has a therapist but no-one was taught table manners or took bedtimes seriously.

I have very wealthy middle class extended family and friends. None of them would/will allow their own kids let alone any other kids to draw on the wall. They are very into kindness, manners and cleaning up after yourself. This means they have clashes with other parts of their family including nieces, nephews and cousins on the other side of the family. Some of them are or have deliberately state educated their kids due to how other members of their family have turned out.

I probably seem crazy to BF’s kids when I let them in and say ‘shoes off please’ before rushing to make sure my minuscule Le Creuset collection is out of reach.

You need to prepare for them the evening before as you know you need to move stuff.

Paltrypam · 23/10/2023 10:29

With respect no-one’s being dragged anywhere.

with respect, you’re not the ones being dragged around.

Paltrypam · 23/10/2023 10:30

You honestly think two boy are going to be jumping for joy at prospect of yet another weekend away from their large family home in to a teeny tiny museum like cottage? With an arsey owner

Paltrypam · 23/10/2023 10:31

Yes yes of course

no one knows you’re feeling arsey

Original poster
Cottagecoredesigner · 23/10/2023 10:33

Lindy2 · 23/10/2023 07:58

You just say "sorry my house is too small. When you have your children visiting it needs to be at your house."

If your relationship has any future you need to set the boundaries that work for you now.

You’re absolutely right. It’s about communication and boundaries. I need to say the reality is my house can’t cope with two extra kids esp v active ones who’ve not been raised in small, neat homes. I think it’s too disruptive for BF kids to have to spend time in a house where the rules are so different to what they’ve always been told is OK. My BF then has a choice - does he want to teach his kids to adapt to another adult’s lifestyle? Or does he want them to stay as they are in which case he doesn’t bring them here anymore? I will lay out the choice without expectations either way. He’s always happy to host everyone and has the space.

OP posts:
Paltrypam · 23/10/2023 10:33

i see from the blended family horror stories

op…you are only 6 months in and weekends only…. Yours is shaping up to be one of these “blended family horror stories”!

Original poster
Cottagecoredesigner · 23/10/2023 10:38

stayathomer · 23/10/2023 05:39

We have 4 kids and when we go to a relative’s house (who has two extremely quiet children), it’s sooo difficult and they generally end up watching tv or just colouring. You’re just two very different families! I’d say sticnn in to his house when he has them!

I see the difficulties here. I have a good friend with 3 very very active girls. They always want to visit me because I live very close to the centre of our market town and it’s a nice pit stop for them when they come in to do shopping from their massive pile in the countryside. With this friend it’s easier - I sit them all down with a hot chocolate and at the point they get fidgety and start charging up and down stairs my friend says it’s hometime! Harder with BF kids who will obviously want to come for more than an hour.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cottagecoredesigner · 23/10/2023 10:42

Paltrypam · 23/10/2023 10:33

i see from the blended family horror stories

op…you are only 6 months in and weekends only…. Yours is shaping up to be one of these “blended family horror stories”!

I’d imagine that difficulties only become horror stories if people aren’t suited in the 1st place or can’t communicate well or if exes are high conflict. I’ve read posts on this step parenting board about new partners dealing with serious stuff like parental alienation, stepkids refusing to speak to step parents and exes reporting each other to social services. My BF and his kids are lovely and my son adores them. I’m on here simply deciding how to tackle a lifestyle difference and what solution to present to my BF.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cottagecoredesigner · 23/10/2023 10:46

Neodymium · 23/10/2023 01:56

Just go to his place?

I think so, yes. My son loves going there. Kids get on great. It’s them that ask to spend weekends together.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cottagecoredesigner · 23/10/2023 10:47

Reugny · 23/10/2023 10:29

Thing is my home is so wee and twee that I’ve never really hosted play dates. If my son wants to invite someone we will eg go to the cinema and maybe back to mine for a quick tea.

You need to continue doing this with your bf children.

Basically plan it so the only time you are all in your home is when they need to go to sleep.

From what BF has told me, him and his ex were the stereotypical rich North London hippies who’d see child drawing on a wall as important self expression. Everyone has a therapist but no-one was taught table manners or took bedtimes seriously.

I have very wealthy middle class extended family and friends. None of them would/will allow their own kids let alone any other kids to draw on the wall. They are very into kindness, manners and cleaning up after yourself. This means they have clashes with other parts of their family including nieces, nephews and cousins on the other side of the family. Some of them are or have deliberately state educated their kids due to how other members of their family have turned out.

I probably seem crazy to BF’s kids when I let them in and say ‘shoes off please’ before rushing to make sure my minuscule Le Creuset collection is out of reach.

You need to prepare for them the evening before as you know you need to move stuff.

This is all very sensible advice thank you

OP posts:
Paltrypam · 23/10/2023 10:48

Good luck! Starting a thread where you age “it’s driving me crazy” after a mere 6 months…. Doesn’t seem grounds for too much optimism in my opinion but 🤷‍♀️ all the best

EvenBetta · 23/10/2023 10:54

It's not your place to 'present solutions', your boyfriend parents in his house.

Tempnamechng · 23/10/2023 12:54

I'm just laughing at the posters who have to over analyse, so the point they have surmised that you are a wicked, evil stepmother who obviously hates children.
I think be careful going forward with this relationship, you and your oh obviously have different parenting styles, and different children. It's that thing where as a step parent you will never in a position to defend your own home if you do move in together. A house proud person with a well behaved child is never going to blend easily with Disney Dad and his free range children.
Keep your own homes, when he has his dc you all stay at his home, providing your dc is happy, otherwise you'll end up resenting the relationship.

Allthorpe100 · 23/10/2023 14:15

Jesus some of the comments on here are harsh. MN hates blended families.

Just tell your partner its best to do the visits at his because your house is to small, I’m sure he wont mind. It’s great all the kids love each other and I bet they have great fun.

Halfemptyhalfling · 23/10/2023 14:24

Could you put some of the most breakable and/ or precious stuff in the attic for a while including perhaps some furniture so there is more space - or even in commercial storage. Alternatively it might be time for eBay or a carboot.

It might be your circumstances change after a while or the dscs just get older so you can get your stuff back out again.