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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Partner’s active kids/tiny cottage what do I do

90 replies

Cottagecoredesigner · 23/10/2023 01:44

Please advise…I am divorced 5 years and live in tiny very pretty cottage with 10 year old very clean and tidy son. I got together with a chap 18 months ago and in the last 6 months he’s been bringing his 2 kids over for weekends. We go to his place too. It’s great at his home, disaster at mine! He has a large 4 bed semi with kitchen island, big garden with football goal and trampoline, playroom. Me and my son have very small cute cottage with things like reading nook, tiny courtyard garden, rocking chair, minuscule kitchen with butler sink, nice bath with legs, hanging copper pans, all the cottagecore. My partner’s kids are much more active than mine. They’re basically not used to a teeny tiny house full of nick nacks and are breaking stuff every time they’re here. They put shoes and coats seemingly everywhere. They ask why is the garden so small. They bounce balls inside. It is driving me crazy. I’m not used to it. What do I do? I actually love my tiny cottage and anyways can’t afford to move. 😬

OP posts:
UndercoverCop · 23/10/2023 01:56

Tell their father they need to behave or you can't have them in your home. They shouldn't be doing things like charging around breaking things and bouncing balls inside regardless of space. They need to hang up their coats and put their shoes where they are told. How old are they? More than toddlers there's no excuse and if young their father should be keeping an eye on them

Neodymium · 23/10/2023 01:56

Just go to his place?

SkiingIsHeaven · 23/10/2023 02:06

Teach them how to play uno.

Original poster
Cottagecoredesigner · 23/10/2023 02:14

Yeah I think enjoying having ‘free range children’ (these are 2 boys 7 and 9) is a luxury only those with big houses can afford. I’m going to have to have words aren’t I?

OP posts:
IncomingTraffic · 23/10/2023 05:00

Why is he letting them play ball games in your house?

Maybe staying in your separate houses is for the best. Just go on days out.

Ragwort · 23/10/2023 05:19

It's pretty obvious (amazed you even have to ask ..) just don't invite them round. Do all the DC really want to hang out together anyway? Surely they have their own friends and activities at weekends? Can't been much fun for young DC being dragged around to mum/dad's BF/GF at weekends.

Just 'date' your BF.

stayathomer · 23/10/2023 05:39

We have 4 kids and when we go to a relative’s house (who has two extremely quiet children), it’s sooo difficult and they generally end up watching tv or just colouring. You’re just two very different families! I’d say sticnn in to his house when he has them!

Totalwasteofpaper · 23/10/2023 05:47

Go to his or have weekends apart.

It's absolutely not okay to play with balls in the house.

Alternatively if they are at yours, you need to manage the hell out of it... it's up at the crack of dawn and out for the day - trampoline parks, massive hike, day trip to museum or whatever. Back for dinner, a movie and bed.

Your DP needs to pay and replace all breakages and parent his children.

IncomingTraffic · 23/10/2023 07:11

Even in a big house - who is letting their kids play with balls?

Disney dads. Generally. In hindsight, the fact my STBXH let his ride scooters and ride on toys all around his kitchen (making trying to do so much as make a cup of tea dangerous as you might be rammed in the legs by them) was a big red flag about his view of fatherhood more generally.

It is really worth thinking about whether your DS wants to end up being dragged to stay at your boyfriend’s bigger house every contact weekend. He probably wants to stay in his home.

Paltrypam · 23/10/2023 07:22

Oh dear

this relationship doesn’t have a future op

MeridianB · 23/10/2023 07:39

Paltrypam · 23/10/2023 07:22

Oh dear

this relationship doesn’t have a future op

I’m afraid I agree with this for several reasons….

His parenting style sounds horribly Disney and is unlikely to ever change. At 7 and 9 there’s no need for children to be crazy like this. I’d be dismayed that he didn’t see the need to teach them how to behave as guests in someone else’s home.

He’s showing massive disrespect to you and DS by allowing his children to treat your home in this way. Does he pay for breakages? Ask his sons to apologise? Clean up after them?

He lacks self awareness.

So no more invasion of your home by his children. End that straight away. Does your son really enjoy going to their house? If not, I’d just see him without blending children. But ultimately, it’s hard to see where this is going. Sorry OP.

reallyworriedjobhunter · 23/10/2023 07:55

I would be ending the weekend visits to yours immediately.

If it's stressful for you, just imagine how your 10yo who has zero choice or control over this situation must feel about having his home disrupted like this.

Lindy2 · 23/10/2023 07:58

You just say "sorry my house is too small. When you have your children visiting it needs to be at your house."

If your relationship has any future you need to set the boundaries that work for you now.

LemonLimeDivine · 23/10/2023 08:01

Start as you mean to go on OP. Have words with him now or this won’t improve.
His reaction will tell you a lot about the future of the relationship.
Have very firm boundaries.

newhere24 · 23/10/2023 08:03

We don’t visit some relatives as there just isn’t space. Two extremely active children means either being able for them to play, or for us to be out all day. Neither is possible (house to small, and being away all day means we are not really visiting). Sitting at home in front of the TV all day, colouring etc is torture for all involved (including me, i hate not getting out at least for 3-4 hours a day being active.
Sedentary and active people just don’t really match.

Tadpolle · 23/10/2023 08:03

I agree with others that when he has his kids if you all actually want to be together you should join them at their big house, not cram everyone into yours.

Also- think long and hard (and ideally don't do it) if there's ever a discussion about all moving in together.

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 23/10/2023 08:03

Your house = your rules. No balls, pick up your crap and find some manners!

Doveyouknow · 23/10/2023 08:10

Honestly 3 kids and 2 adults in a tiny cottage regularly doesn't sound like much fun for anyone. Do any of the kids get their own space? Surely you just go to his house which has enough room.

arethereanyleftatall · 23/10/2023 08:12

This just isn't fair on any of the dc at all.

What are you both doing dragging the kids to stay at girlfriend/boyfriends house on the weekend? I doubt his kids idea of a good weekend is to spend it at your house- no offense to your house, it sounds lovely to me, but not to two active kids. And, if your son is a quiet child, I don't imagine he likes going to theirs either.

Stop trying to force families, it isn't fair on the kids. Just date your bloke without involving kids.

Original poster
Cottagecoredesigner · 23/10/2023 09:48

Ragwort · 23/10/2023 05:19

It's pretty obvious (amazed you even have to ask ..) just don't invite them round. Do all the DC really want to hang out together anyway? Surely they have their own friends and activities at weekends? Can't been much fun for young DC being dragged around to mum/dad's BF/GF at weekends.

Just 'date' your BF.

The really lucky thing for us is the kids are close in age and adore each other. My only child really likes having these other two to hang out with. My bf is compensating for his hellions by doing lots of DIY for me - he likes fixing things luckily. But I’m so houseproud and love interior design to the point that people in interior shops sometimes offer me jobs. Bf’s kids swinging on my beautifully painted bannisters…😬. I remember going to my nana’s tiny and beautifully decorated bungalow as a girl and she’d have covered the good sofa in plastic in preparation for our visits and kept reminding me not to touch the Royal Doulton. I’ve turned into her clearly…

OP posts:
Paltrypam · 23/10/2023 09:54

How old is your child?

I wouldn’t want my child’s home regularly invaded by my boyfriend and his feral kids

Paltrypam · 23/10/2023 09:55

One weekend just you and your child without this lot

next weekend you visit his home with your child

Paltrypam · 23/10/2023 09:56

Although I still am of the view there is no happy future ahead

Reugny · 23/10/2023 10:03

But I’m so houseproud and love interior design to the point that people in interior shops sometimes offer me jobs.

Then you aren't suited.

While his children should not be playing with balls in the house regardless of house size - some of my nephews have tried it and so has my DD - it is clear your bf and his children are not on the same page.

To be fair while some children as teens will be interested in what houses look like others won't until they are adults and own their own home, and some will never.

Edited to say - this is nothing to do with sex or sexuality. People including children are different.

newhere24 · 23/10/2023 10:03

Could you try to fi the “going out, doing things” weekend with your place as a base, and the stay at home ones st his place? gives the kids a chance to get rid of excess energy

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