Qualities you need as a stepmum

[FortheBeautyoftheEarth]

Stepmum of a few years now to 11 y o girl. Has not always been smooth sailing but have come a long way and we muddle along. Inspired by a previous post, I've been thinking about what attributes are suited and not so well suited to being a step parent. So far I've got:

flexible
empathic
diplomatic!!
thick skinned
sense of humour!!!
boundaried?!

I also think a lot of these things you kind of learn and develop as you go along. Can't remember where but I read somewhere that comparing being a step-parent with being a parent is like comparing a car from a motorcycle- both trying to achieve same thing, but a different approach is needed!

On the flip side I'd say a stepmum from hell would be....

rigid
controlling
harsh
confrontational
self-absorbed

Is this fair?
What do you all think?

I think the ideal stepmom would

Have healthy boundaries
Be emotionally intelligent
Have a strong sense of self
Be able to look for the upside
Be worldly (is that the word? Wise about relationships and have a lot of life experience)
Have a full personal life
Have a sense of fun
Be a positive communicator

I would steer clear if

You are a people pleaser
You have poor boundaries
You are insecure
You are looking for a ready - made nuclear family
You don't know much about step family dynamics
You are prone to pettiness or rivalry
You don't like kids
You think having an open heart is all it takes to be a good step parent

Patience.
Understanding- having a step parent means that their parents really aren't going to get back together. It may take a very long time to accept this and quite likely they will lay the blame at your feet. And of a new half siblings joins the family, that's a whole other level.

I agree, the qualities I have to make use of with being a step parent are quite different to being a parent apart from patience although the patience with being a step parent is more directed at both my DH and DSDs mum.
The ability to emotionally distance myself from some of the drama has helped no end.
I would add though that I am a natural “rescuer”/problem solver which I always thought would help but is not actually the best trait for a stepmum and it’s been a hard road to accept that I cannot solve everything or change the situation when it comes to DSDs mums actions or even my DH; accepting that you have to watch people you love being hurt (both DH and DSD) has been a hard lesson

Yes definitely about the last point...but I think it's the point many people start from, especially if they have not come from a step family and don't know many themselves.

agree about not being a people pleaser- it's definitely going to set you up for a lifetime of disappointment and exhaustion.

and the rivalry thing.

Yes agreed - the problem solving thing. You are limited in how much influence you can have in the situation - especially the other adults involved. They can have very entrenched views. I have noticed that people tend to cope better if they take a kind of philosophical view of the whole thing, rather than trying to fix everything. It's hard for people to understand unless they've lived it. My own mum (well meaning) will say - "tell Dh this..or "as a family by now, you should be doing this!" She doesn't understand that the normal family 'rules' don't always work well in this situation. Dh and sd already have 'their way' of doing things and my role isn't to change it.

@FortheBeautyoftheEarth yes that’s exactly it and I wish I’d realised earlier that trying to tell DH to do things a certain way is risky as when it goes wrong it’s him that feels the consequences far more than me and that some of it is not my place and if the ex wants to make trouble she will no matter what I do. I wish I’d taken the approach earlier of essentially giving DH my opinion then leaving him to it and when he moaned about things I’d make sympathetic noises rather than getting embroiled in the whole situation.
i started to make the same mistake when trying to heal the relationship between DSD and her mum but realised what I was doing earlier and pulled myself back

I think the main thing you need is patience and a very low threshold for irritation about things you cannot control.

I don't particularly like to analyse what makes a bad step parent, any more so than I do a bad parent or a bad person in general. I don't think it's a good thing to treat it like an audition.

@Khvdrt None of this comes with a rule book or instruction manual though does it. It is definitely not always clear what approach to take especially when people from all sides often have strong and opposing opinions.

I think if Dh and ex work together and don't try and oppose each other, it's 100 times easier.

True about the low irritation threshold!

Hear what you're saying about making it like an audition and you probably have a point there. I guess I was just throwing a bone to the MN stepmum haters. They think we blindly support each other. Everything gets so polarised on here and I just want to acknowledge that there is always good and bad, as in all walks of life. I hate the tribalism online these days.

You need to accept you'll come second to the kids, always.
And that your relationship isn't like a starter marriage, where you get years of honeymoon and then make joint life decisions and then buy a nice family home and then have children you will jointly raise.
And that your stepchildren have been raised by at least one parent who didn't do it like you would have, and potentially that parent is your partner.
And that you always have a choice to stay or go and that you're an agent, not a victim.
And that - unless biomum isn't around - how involved you are with kids you didn't raise and whose outcomes will not reflect on you is always your choice.
And that, if you have one, you can parent your bio kid however you damn well please.
And that if your stepkids are rude to you, its not them you get cross with, but your partner for not raising them to show respect or not managing any behavioural challenges they have from his own parenting and/or divorce.
And that if you're nice to your stepkids without disciplining them, they'll like you, probably, in the end.

I agree with some but:

• Knowing you'll come second to kids, but not being made to feel like you are. They are very different things.
• My partner & I most definitely make joint decisions, have had lovely holidays alone & with DSD, bought a house together after a few years and are planning to have a joint child in the next few years, so I say you can for sure, have a relatively normal relationship as long as your partner is on the same wavelength as you & has your back.

As for other qualities, none of them mean anything if your partner isn't on board with you. But I agree with others than being thick skinned is the no. 1!

@Stepladdering I'd say those are more a set of stipulations rather than personal qualities/attributes of the individual. But yeah reading them it comes back to the idea of having bucket loads of understanding for the situation and being flexible. I don't think everyone is suited to it.

I have to say I don't always feel that I do come second to my dsd. Of course, I absolutely accept that a lot of the time I do (rightly so). There are times when dh puts our marriage first and controversially, I think that is absolutely needed sometimes for a happy/functioning family.

Also I think people are too quick to give up on commitments these days at the whiff of a challenging situation/conflict, so I contest the idea that you can just up and leave whenever you like. I know that's how a lot of people think and that's fair enough. But I guess I'm a bit more traditional and I do believe in my husband and our marriage. My DSD has already had her parent's being separated to deal with and things not working out between her mum and mum's other man who moved in with them. Lots of instability in a few short years.

I've been in her life for almost half her life now and she has some stability and likes her home here. She knows what to expect and we have a (Not perfect) but decent relationship. I would have to think very carefully before giving it all up, as I know it would hugely impact on her...all just because I was finding it challenging....it feels bigger than that to me. But I get it, every case is different. And important to know there are choices and you are the adult. I did think a lot about taking the next step into marriage, it's a huge step to make and in this situation, definitely not one to take lightly.

@Stepladdering

I broadly agree with you, but disagree about not disciplining them if they’re rude etc.

I’d tell off a friend of my child if they were rude to me, I most certainly won’t sit like a lemon whilst a child/ren who live in my home half the time are rude to me.

Don’t get me wrong, the very vast majority of my irritation is towards their father when poor behaviour happens but I won’t avoid correcting it either.

Ick

Good

-Really long rope for annoyance in tandem with boundaries that won't be broken by emotional blackmail via children (step or bio), your partner or mum or grandma or whoever.

-High self worth - you don't always need to come first but that doesn't mean you always come last. This is not a race there shouldn't be a family if there's first second or third places. Weird competitive language that comes out in sp world

• Empathy for everyone in the situation and making it about equity not necessarily equality (because equality cannot be done across two houses)

• high emotional IQ or at least high enough to recognise that not every problem or issue that's paraded as "your fault" (by the kids or dh or MN) is actually your fault or even anything you can solve.

• the ability to pick your battles and decide which battles are worth fighting and which ones you can flag but the results will ultimately be the result of the parents choices

• pragmatic and the ability to let the coins fall as they may

Bad

idk fair amount of people giving posters a kicking on here usually but it's never v nuanced is it

• people pleasing
• low self worth
• low confidence
• no boundaries
• no empathy for others or themselves
• easily annoyed
• anyone partakes in the blame game (as a sp usually your the scape goat) or mum sometimes or both (usually there's a nark partner "in the middle" on these ones)
• emotional or emotionally vulnerable
• missing a spine (these people never do well)
• the inability to articulate need
• crappy dh who is (lazy, selfish, Disney dadding to extreme, man with lack of boundaries and lack of a backbone when it comes to mum)
• fixers and I speak as one myself - are problematic in step families. Not so problematic if you have a decent dh and good self worth. But sadly even if your watching a train wreck (you can't fix things that people don't wanna change) but on plus side you can't be blamed for things that weren't your choices.

I do wonder when the pitchforks will arrive...

@namechangnancy I am with you on the equity vs equality thing. So misunderstood by so many people. It isn't always clever or the right thing to treat everyone in the family 'the same.'

I would say that having a spine in this situation may look differently to the outside world. I think having the ability to draw in inner strength can sometimes look like someone being 'spineless' or 'repressed' or whatever. But everyone has their own line in the sand for what they will and won't tolerate. Personally I try and let the petty stuff go but I absolutely draw the line at mud slinging against my family of origin or being lied to.

re. Pitchforks - I know, me too. 😂

Probably used the wrong wording there re have a spine lol.

The thing is though everyone does have a spine though and that's because everyone does have that line for them on what they will or won't take. The problem I see a lot on here is a op has a kind heart. Buckets of empathy and is being completely trodden over by everyone on the step family group and that op is trying to surgically remove their own needs and feelings (their spine) to prove they aren't a wicked step mother.
When in reality they gave ground on everything and now no one in the step family can see their worth or even treat them as a human being with valid emotions and needs and they come on here sounding v low v depressed and usually get a kicking on here too.

Now I come to think of it it's like your emotional strength doesn't always need to be internal - sometimes it can be external from your support network.

I'm a sm and been doing this a long while but it's hard but made harder if you don't have some of these things . And unless your a fairy tale villain, most people want to do right by others.

How the fire burning hasn't started or any bingo terms haven't come up yet is actually quite impressive

Ha long may it continue..

yeah I hear you completely. Mumsnet is often brutal to stepmums. Women come on here looking for tips and it's "you sound vile" just because they are struggling. It's hilarious because if they removed the term step and just did the same post in a parenting forum, they'd probably get loads of support. Just proves people are projecting their own issues.

Yeah definitely; you could easily lose yourself ...glad I came into this when I was a bit older and more established cause I'd lived alone and had my own interests etc:

I think the antidote to becoming the scapegoat within the family is to have your own things going on. Whether it be regular things with friends or a hobby- but you just need something that is your's away from it all.

What also helped me was that my family are really welcoming and inclusive to stepdaughter and her dad. All her life she had only heard one narrative about her dad and suddenly she was seeing people who love and value him and also me so I think it helped her to see a different side. Must be so hard for people who don't have good family support and are isolated.

Hmm, I think this is true to some degree (that some qualities help - maturity being the main one IMO) but I also think there is something about the stepmum dynamic that is often impossible to “win”, regardless of your qualities.

(I say this as a stepmum who has been a complete failure, despite being great with children and young adults in a variety of other contexts!!)

The ability to bite your tongue.

The ability to pick your battles.

Great communication with your partner.

An understanding that the step-parenting board on MN is like a bear pit with extra bears.

I think framing anything in relation to a ‘stepmum from hell’ is unhelpful.

Not least because, in the face of a partner (and his ex) who continually take the piss, push boundaries and emotionally manipulate her, what might have been a flexible, empathetic, boundaried, diplomatic, good humoured woman may need to become ‘harsh’, ‘rigid’, ‘controlling’, ‘confrontational’ and (perceived as) ‘self absorbed’.

Indeed, to people who take the piss a woman who sets clear boundaries and says things ‘I will not do X or live in a house where Y happens’ is somehow transmuted into a nasty, controlling harpy. A woman who says ‘no’ to what suits the SC’s parents, is cast as ‘confrontational’. Wanting to have any semblance of routine in the contact schedule or life during contact, can make her ‘rigid’ and ‘controlling’ (how dare she think a 5 year old should have a bedtime!). A woman who takes responsibility for her own well-being - by going out with friends or to a yoga class, rather than playing their assigned role of nanny/housekeeper, is ‘self-absorbed’. How dare she not be there to facilitate ‘family time’?

I don’t really think it’s something you can reduce to presence or absence of personal
qualities that will lead to success or failure as a SM. Which is the same as for being successful as a parent - all kinds of people, with different qualities do it differently.

One of the problems with step parenting is that you can be as flexible and self sacrificing and pragmatic as you like and somehow still find yourself cast as the Disney villain by your SC, their mother, their entire extended family, the world at large - and even your bloody partner.

@BeetleDeuce I am also a complete failure as a SM. Being otherwise good with children and people (I spend the majority of my work life navigating ‘stakeholder management’ and helping others with their challenging stakeholders!) made no difference at all.

In the end, the need to stand up for my children’s needs in the face of absolute bullshit, meant I decided to embrace the bad guy role I had been cast - and leave to be the evil ex-SM. At least that way I could protect my children.

As of this morning, here's my list:

• Flexibility on your expectations
• Ability to operate with a blind eye and your fingers in your ears - especially with teenagers in the mix
• A sense of humour
• A good support network
• A freezer full of easy meals for when you are just DONE with the bollocks and can't be arsed to whip up a gourmet creation
• A DH who isn't blind to their kids faults, and can take a private rant from you without taking it personally
• An outlet for stress. Preferably something positive like exercise, I smoke. I get enough exercise running round after this frigging rabble.
• A good rapport with SC, you'll never be a parent, but they need to accept that you're not just a resident run-arounder
• A genuine affection for your SC! They may be pains at times, but all kids are 🤷🏻‍♀️

Things you DON'T need

• An expectation that your SC will behave like your own
• To think that you'll adore your SC like your own. Sooner you accept it's different, easier it'll be
• Rose tinted glasses that every day will be a perfect happy family showcase
• Most importantly, a useless DH that expects you to do everything. This is generally the biggest problem 😂

@IncomingTraffic All the things you list are reasonable, not self absorbed or controlling. Anyone being told they can't have hobbies or suggest boundaries around bedtime..is with the wrong partner!!

I want to be able to self reflect and make sure I'm doing right by everyone, whilst also not being a complete doormat. im definitely not going to elevate all stepmums to the do no wrong status, just cause 'that's my tribe'. You only have to look to some high profile news stories of last couple of years to see what a SM from hell looks like.

@SoundTheSirens

"An understanding that the step-parenting board on MN is like a bear pit with extra bears" this is bloody brilliant I'm gonna use a 🐻 every time I see this happen and think of this quote.

@IncomingTraffic see now I think there's something in that in terms of embracing the evil narrative. If realistically someone is going to think your evil for existing, whether MN, mum or even your DH regardless of what you do. Then instead of fighting against the current in a rip ride and drowning, it's bit like recognising actually I can't fight this but I can swim parallel to this current and finding a safer route to land.

I got called evil and inconsiderate on here because I mentioned I paid for my dsd v expensive hobby and what a over step 🙄and had people say well it must only be a small cost and coming from family money. The utter disbelief and minimising was unreal. I nearly posted the invoice I had for the stables and farrier on here that I paid for.

Some people will think your evil no matter what. But wgaf tbh ?

Obviously this is problematic when your dh casts you on this role...

@FortheBeautyoftheEarth I get what your saying but the news posts when a step mother is involved (although rarely are they married) and it turns into a big thing that's OMG

But in terms of violence and data statistics actually it's men. Men killing their own children, men killing women fairly regularly .

But that's not reported on regularly because as a society we have accepted it of men to a degree and a women with care taking responsibilities who does this is seen as worse as men that do more violent horrific crimes to their own flesh and blood.

The news repeats the societal views on step mothers. It's salacious and gets clicks so that's why they do it.

I also argue that the pressure and bar on women whether a mum or a step mum is much higher than their male counter parts. There is no need for people to scrutinise a group who already has more scrutiny than others in the same dammed role. I expect men to do this but it's always a let down when other women do it to other women tbh.

Just my view not trying to sidetrack.