Qualities you need as a stepmum

[FortheBeautyoftheEarth]

Stepmum of a few years now to 11 y o girl. Has not always been smooth sailing but have come a long way and we muddle along. Inspired by a previous post, I've been thinking about what attributes are suited and not so well suited to being a step parent. So far I've got:

flexible
empathic
diplomatic!!
thick skinned
sense of humour!!!
boundaried?!

I also think a lot of these things you kind of learn and develop as you go along. Can't remember where but I read somewhere that comparing being a step-parent with being a parent is like comparing a car from a motorcycle- both trying to achieve same thing, but a different approach is needed!

On the flip side I'd say a stepmum from hell would be....

rigid
controlling
harsh
confrontational
self-absorbed

Is this fair?
What do you all think?

That sounds absolutely atrocious - honestly.

and yes - making a SM account of the kind you describe is definitely not a sign that someone has the qualities to be a stepparent.

I can imagine you’re extremely angry with your ex. Probably for many things.

@GlennCloseButNoCigar

That’s bloody awful all round! Very sorry you’re having to deal with that and hope it can be resolved quickly.

The one thing I've learned about being a stepmum is you are going to be held to impossible and often contradictory standards, and you're frequently going to be expected to throw your own kids under the bus for the wellbeing of your SKs.

A happy stepmum has very high confidence and isn't too sensitive, and does what works for her own family without caring who calls her an evil stepmother, behind her back or to her face.

i personally think and from personal experience the quality and ability to open your heart to children you didn’t create is based so much largely on the parent you are with. If you’re with a partner who hears you and recognises both the relationship with children and relationship with partner is important the relationship will likely be easier and blossom. If your with a partner who works against everything you say and doesn’t listen to anything you might say in regards to the dynamic of blended life even a woman with all the “good” qualities will likely quickly close her heart and mind for self preservation and as a defence mechanism.

Agreed. Being happy as a step-parent is not just about the step-parents own qualities, it's mostly about how their partner behaves.

You can be the most caring, confident, strong-minded person with a tonne of patience, but if your partner never prioritises you, never listens to your concerns and can't hear a bad word about his kids, then it's not going to work.

I'm not the most confident of people. I'm quite sensitive, an overthinker and take a lot of things personally. But I have a husband who supports me 100%, prioritised me, would never let his kids or ex disrespect me. Because of him I am confident in my role and my place in the family and I'm a happy stepmum.

Nailing it 🙌🏼 can your husband offer ted talks to the rest of the Disney dads please 😂 I’m getting there slowly but still it’s a few weeks of battling even if he agrees with me 🙄

I've ways known he was a great dad and husband but reading some posts on MN I appreciate that I am so lucky. His ted talk would be titled "I'm you dad not you pal" or "I don't care if you think I'm an arsehole".

boundaried

Id argue the opposite. You need to be willing to be a doormat for it to work.

This is why my setup doesn’t work 😅

if your stepkids are rude to you, its not them you get cross with, but your partner for not raising them to show respect

Damn right. Their behaviour is a reflection of their parent, - which is a tough pill to swallow when you married the parent! Makes you question yourself and your own reasoning.

Indeed, to people who take the piss a woman who sets clear boundaries and says things ‘I will not do X or live in a house where Y happens’ is somehow transmuted into a nasty, controlling harpy.

Phew, this hit hard. I HATE who I have become.

Resilient

Strong and independent

Like your own company

Step mothering - the hardest thing I’ve ever done - traumatic, thankless and utterly soul destroying.