Qualities you need as a stepmum

[FortheBeautyoftheEarth]

Stepmum of a few years now to 11 y o girl. Has not always been smooth sailing but have come a long way and we muddle along. Inspired by a previous post, I've been thinking about what attributes are suited and not so well suited to being a step parent. So far I've got:

flexible
empathic
diplomatic!!
thick skinned
sense of humour!!!
boundaried?!

I also think a lot of these things you kind of learn and develop as you go along. Can't remember where but I read somewhere that comparing being a step-parent with being a parent is like comparing a car from a motorcycle- both trying to achieve same thing, but a different approach is needed!

On the flip side I'd say a stepmum from hell would be....

rigid
controlling
harsh
confrontational
self-absorbed

Is this fair?
What do you all think?

"I think the antidote to becoming the scapegoat within the family is to have your own things going on. Whether it be regular things with friends or a hobby- but you just need something that is your's away from it all.

What also helped me was that my family are really welcoming and inclusive to stepdaughter and her dad. All her life she had only heard one narrative about her dad and suddenly she was seeing people who love and value him and also me so I think it helped her to see a different side. Must be so hard for people who don't have good family support and are isolated."

On this - I use the former the latter to be the former. I don't have much going on at this point in my life (too much maternity leave and needy babies) outside of the house besides me family, so they - who barely see my DSS for logistical reasons - are my space away from it all. I like it that way, and would feel more isolated if my own family couldn't be my space from it all, but on here you're torn apart for that too.

Oh you also need the personal quality of never wanting to moan about your stepkids, lest their father interprets this as you putting yourself in conflict with the kids, having unreasonable expectations of the kids or judging his parenting. For example if you point out 9pm before a whole day family gathering is too late to go to an arcade and the 9 year old says ‘we’ll all go without you then’ responding as a parent would eg ‘that’s not polite’ makes you a judgey high conflict person apparently.
My no 1 quality that serves me best is to leave my perfectly nice without his children partner on his own with them for long enough that he remembers to be grateful for my support.

I found step parenting impossible and now as adults have very little to do with them. I think had I not had children of my own I would've had an easier ride.

My step children lived with us as teens full time at one point. They simply did not want their life to change, did not want me or my children and were envious of any time/resources spent on us. Dh tried to compensate, letting them behave however they wanted (they tried to kill our dog) I had no authority in my own home.

I guess I definitely did not have the character traits for a step parent, did not realise this and was thrown in at the deep end when they came to live with us. Easy to say one should be prepared to live with step children but not so easy to predict their behaviour, and one's own sense of helplessness when not backed up by your dh.

Sorry I am sidetracking now too! Yes it is true that instances of male violence towards women and children is much higher. I'm not sure if that means that means news stories related to women who commit cruelty crimes should be suppressed though. Maybe it does, it is an interesting thought and you definitely have a point about the whole gender bias reporting thing.

In answer to your point about women scrutinising other women being a letdown. It's not actually me scrutinising and tearing down women though is it? It's the people that regularly visit these pages, pile on women who are just seeking advice and make really personal and uncalled for comments about their life choices.. a hyperbolic and ridiculous heading is not a personal pop at another human being.

I simply threw the trolls a bone to talk about their favourite subject; and interestingly there have been no takers from the non stepmum community who clearly stalk this board. I guess it's no fun for them if they're actually being invited to criticise someone who is up for listening. It's all about tearing others down with the aim of making them question their own worth. So much for female solidarity.

I do take it on board though and perhaps with hindsight, I do now wish I had left that part out. It was the first bit I was mainly interested in.

@Ibizafun no one has the ‘traits’ to succeed in a situation with hostile SC who live in your house and try to kill your dog.

That is definitely a ‘it’s not you; it’s them (and their parents)’ scenario.

@FortheBeautyoftheEarth I'm not knocking you at all for asking it's valid. I'm talking generally around this board not you or your post re women solidarity.

I defo didn't mean we shouldn't suppress any type of violence in the news paper, but I'm pointing out that we do just that by making it appear like it's a common occurrence that sm go around killing children and the absence of reports of men killing seems like suppression to me.

Anyway didn't mean to sidetrack just wanted to clarify ❤️ been a interesting post.

Also your right the absence of the usual nasty comments has been rather refreshing.

@Ibizafun yes definitely this! That sounds like an intolerable situation.

It was intolerable as dh was terrified they'd move back to their mum's if he put in boundaries.. I wasn't so terrified It's a shame as had he done so i would probably have a better relationship with them now.

Luckily the dog survived after a big op but had he not I don't think I would have stayed married

It was intolerable as dh was terrified they'd move back to their mum's if he put in boundaries..

@Ibizafun WTF?

Both of you would have better relationships with them and they with other people, if he put in boundaries.

As a dad to 2 DC...

• empathy
• healthy boundaries (I have a blind soft spot for my DD... sometimes the private challenge is necessary!)
• patience
• sense of humour
• independence
• communicator

It's a supportive role, not a mothering role. When I date, I've always voiced it as something where a partnership forms. I tend to prefer those who have DC themselves, because it feels more balanced/reciprocal as I can model the behaviour I'm expecting with their DC.

I don't think I have any of the required qualities. I've failed miserably

The hide of a rhinoceros
and the patience of a saint.

@Ibizafun this stood out I had no authority in my own home.

I think the number one thing to have as a SM is a kind of harmony where the SM is respected for her position as the adult female in the house, not the kids. If this doesn’t happen then the kids will undermine and devalue the SM. Usually from teen daughters. It’s a bit survival of the fittest.

Unless there is some openness from both SM and step kids to live in harmony, then it just makes it a toxic situation in the home and best off not being there as a SM.

speaking from experience!

I agree with you.. some things just can't be fixed.

I figure emotionally mature. To be able to feel what you feel, accept it but be mature enough not to react impulsively and open minded in regards to differing perspectives that may completely contradict your own but able to accept them and acknowledge everyones feelings and thoughts respectfully. That no one is right and wrong, no one is a winner or loser.

Also be your own cheerleader. As you won't be the priority and thats ok. You may get moments your the scapegoat, thats natural with heightened emotions and a complex situation. So you have to quietly cheer yourself on and keep your own confidence, self worth. I don't think it works if you get your confidence from others.

I’m working on emotionally distancing myself. And trying to accept watching kids / DP hurt and try to let go off my sadness / guilt around it.

An ability to ignore lists and rules about how to be a good step parent so you can form your own unique bond with your step children without trying to force it to be something it's not.

You need to be like a duck and let it all roll off you

I am not a Step Mum and have no desire to be one but l imagine you would need nerves of steel.
I do kind of feel sorry for step children, they are expected to adjust to hell of a lot.
I think if l were a SM l would have deep empathy to how l would have felt as a child in that situation. Children need to feel safe and secure, most of all they need stability.

Don’t call the mum ‘the incubator’ or the ‘birth mother’ to your step children’s faces, like my kids dad’s partner does. That makes for a very bad step parent 😂

I think a good step parent is someone who has appropriate emotional intelligence, kind, empathetic, resilient, an understanding of appropriate boundaries and an acceptance that the children have two parents and they might not parent how you like. Don’t know if they’re qualities or stipulations though!

Decent DH helps also. I’d always advise anyone with a Disney dad partner to run a mile. It’s not worth it.

@GlennCloseButNoCigar i would
hold my ex responsible for shite like ‘the incubator’ being said to my kids.

If terms like ‘the incubator’ are being used openly in the other parents’ house… the other parent should not be exposing the kids to that.

Equally though, one of the things I find atrocious about my ex, is actually his casual alienation campaign against his first wife with their kids. If they mention their mother, he immediately reminds them that she’s annoying and useless etc. And gets them to agree with him.

She IS pretty awful as a person IME. But she’s their mother - a woman he chose to have two kids with and marry, and who is very much the default parent with the majority of the care. I’m sure she chose (before I left him) to blame me for his attitude about her (which I hadn’t really witnessed until too late). But it’s not me. Never was.

I can dislike the woman immensely (and have good reason to - even now with a bigger picture her behaviour towards me was unacceptable). But he is their father and it’s not ok to be telling any child that their mother is a worthless, fat layabout. Just dreadful behaviour on his part. And not in their children’s interests.

Yes I agree. To some extent.

She is however responsible for her own actions, and calling me those names (which is actually some of the least worst stuff she’s gotten up to) is entirely her choice. No one is forcing her. So I do blame her and she does need to be held accountable for her actions.

It’s difficult to challenge because I’m not sure if he’s heard it or not, they say she says it when he’s not in the room.

I didn’t actually believe them at first, I thought it impossible anyone could say that to a child. Until I was made aware she’s making videos and comments about me on a social media site using those terms.

I’m sorry you’ve had a bad experience with the ex-wife in your situation, but I’ve been nothing but nice to the gf in my situation. More than welcoming, and have always treated her with respect and kindness. Even though I get zilch in return.

Im not sure if you’re meaning I’m holding the gf accountable for things that aren’t her fault? To be clear that’s not the case, I do hold her accountable for what she’s actually done. And that’s okay.

I think I’m more saying that I’d be focusing on my ex and being angry with him for subjecting the kids to this stuff.

I wouldn’t be giving the GF much thought in herself - although obviously she is accountable for her actions and may be really horrible. Because what kind of father continues a relationship with someone who is making public SM videos about ‘the incubator’ and saying things that upset his children?

Well to be honest, I’ve not actually said anything about where my anger lies. And I don’t really feel much need to. We’re strangers on the internet lol!

In my original comment I was actually just poking fun at the utterly bizarre situation I appear to have found myself in. I use humour as a coping mechanism.

Unfortunately as she’s got 20k followers online and makes these videos telling me I need to go and kill myself she does take up (currently) some of my brain space. And as I’ve now taken some legal steps to stop this I am forced into giving the GF more than a passing thought whilst this is all going on. I’m very much looking forward to the day where I do not having to think about either one of them at all!

I’m of the opinion that they are as bad as each other. And seeing as this is my life and experiences I’m perfectly comfortable with how I feel about it.

Anyway best of luck to you and I’m glad you’re no longer in the situation you once were.