My partners kids used to come round from Friday to Sunday weekly(this only started after we got together). His kids have no rules at all at home and I find them rude and ungrateful. I got pregnant last year and in fairness should have thought of it before but I got concerned how his kids behaviour would effect my future child. His kids would frequently not want to come because they ate veg at my house and didnt go out enough(we cant afford trips out every weekend and i dont think we should anyway). Early this year my partner properly disciplined his son for once putting parental controls on his switch so he had a time limit on it and couldn't play age appropriate games after he had a violent melt down for beong told to turn it off. This didn't go down well with child's mother and she and all her family were calling my partner and his family(Inc 83 year old nan) threatening him and telling him to take the controls off. He kept looking out the window expecting his car to be smashed up.
After this I had a serious discussion with him because i didn't think raising a baby around all that was acceptable and I wasn't comfortable. I felt our home was unstable with them staying and then not wanting to come constantly and didn't want their behaviour effecting her as he couldn't discipline them properly. He agreed and now sees them on sunday(currently his only day off from work- their mum doesn't work so this hasn't effected her childcare needs and children and often with his nan in the week).
Now I've had my daughter and my partners found a really good job but it's 4.5hr drive away. He'll be moving up in 2 weeks and I'll be following shortly after.
Our issue is now visiting his kids. He will be working a fair bit and only gets 24 days holiday so I will be the one dealing with a lot of their care when they come up(he's off every other weekend). He has asked that I help him with this - I said I would. We're now having a disagreement about when they should be coming up. He would like them for half of the Xmas holidays(1 week), half of easter holidays (1 week) and half of the summer holidays(3 weeks). I have said 2 weeks wpuld be better in the summer
- I admit I won't cope looking after them that long
- Whatever we start will likely continue for years and that's also half of my summer with my daughter and their Ge gap is large so they will want to do very different things and they will winge constantly doing anything not for just them - also don't think this is fair on my daughter spending half her summer at age inappropriate things.
- They won't cope. His son will want to be put with friends(already moans about this coming one day a week). His daughter is very clingy with her mum. Never been that far away from home. Half the arguments of her not wanting to stay on the weekend were she misses her mum.
I suggested coming up in half term as well instead or split a week and a half either side of summer holidays. He said he won't have enough time to go pick them up and drop them off and use too many holidays. I think he could always pick them or drop them off on his days off so he wpuld use 1 holiday per visit and none if they stayed for 2 weeks in summer as its every other weekend off. I said 3 weeks is too much for me again and he tried to argue that they wouldn't be with me all the time - he can come home for his lunch and can take them to work sometimes. After going to work with him once they'll be bored doing it again and also when they stayed over weekends I did most of the care anyway (cooking, tidying up after them, planning) so I know it would be exactly the same if I was working or not.
He said I need to just suck it up. I've said no he can have them three weeks but I'll go away for one of them because otherwise I'll be looking after them and 3 weeks of winging and rudness and ungrateful behaviour is too much for me. I'm not their parent.
Am I being selfish saying this?