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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Moving away and stepkids visiting

107 replies

Mumof1xxxx · 13/10/2023 05:51

My partners kids used to come round from Friday to Sunday weekly(this only started after we got together). His kids have no rules at all at home and I find them rude and ungrateful. I got pregnant last year and in fairness should have thought of it before but I got concerned how his kids behaviour would effect my future child. His kids would frequently not want to come because they ate veg at my house and didnt go out enough(we cant afford trips out every weekend and i dont think we should anyway). Early this year my partner properly disciplined his son for once putting parental controls on his switch so he had a time limit on it and couldn't play age appropriate games after he had a violent melt down for beong told to turn it off. This didn't go down well with child's mother and she and all her family were calling my partner and his family(Inc 83 year old nan) threatening him and telling him to take the controls off. He kept looking out the window expecting his car to be smashed up.
After this I had a serious discussion with him because i didn't think raising a baby around all that was acceptable and I wasn't comfortable. I felt our home was unstable with them staying and then not wanting to come constantly and didn't want their behaviour effecting her as he couldn't discipline them properly. He agreed and now sees them on sunday(currently his only day off from work- their mum doesn't work so this hasn't effected her childcare needs and children and often with his nan in the week).
Now I've had my daughter and my partners found a really good job but it's 4.5hr drive away. He'll be moving up in 2 weeks and I'll be following shortly after.
Our issue is now visiting his kids. He will be working a fair bit and only gets 24 days holiday so I will be the one dealing with a lot of their care when they come up(he's off every other weekend). He has asked that I help him with this - I said I would. We're now having a disagreement about when they should be coming up. He would like them for half of the Xmas holidays(1 week), half of easter holidays (1 week) and half of the summer holidays(3 weeks). I have said 2 weeks wpuld be better in the summer

  1. I admit I won't cope looking after them that long
  2. Whatever we start will likely continue for years and that's also half of my summer with my daughter and their Ge gap is large so they will want to do very different things and they will winge constantly doing anything not for just them - also don't think this is fair on my daughter spending half her summer at age inappropriate things.
  3. They won't cope. His son will want to be put with friends(already moans about this coming one day a week). His daughter is very clingy with her mum. Never been that far away from home. Half the arguments of her not wanting to stay on the weekend were she misses her mum.

I suggested coming up in half term as well instead or split a week and a half either side of summer holidays. He said he won't have enough time to go pick them up and drop them off and use too many holidays. I think he could always pick them or drop them off on his days off so he wpuld use 1 holiday per visit and none if they stayed for 2 weeks in summer as its every other weekend off. I said 3 weeks is too much for me again and he tried to argue that they wouldn't be with me all the time - he can come home for his lunch and can take them to work sometimes. After going to work with him once they'll be bored doing it again and also when they stayed over weekends I did most of the care anyway (cooking, tidying up after them, planning) so I know it would be exactly the same if I was working or not.

He said I need to just suck it up. I've said no he can have them three weeks but I'll go away for one of them because otherwise I'll be looking after them and 3 weeks of winging and rudness and ungrateful behaviour is too much for me. I'm not their parent.
Am I being selfish saying this?

OP posts:
MayThe4th · 13/10/2023 06:00

Wow.

So his kids played up so he reduced contact at your insistence and is now moving away from them.

What a prince among men he sounds.

No wonder his kids play up when they’ve been traded in for a new family with a father who can’t be arsed with them and a stepmom who wants them away from her precious offspring.

OP one day your babY will grow up to be a winy toddler/pre teen/teenager.

And bear in mind that if you split then you ought to be prepared for your child being treated the same for whichever new family he adopts.

I’m not going to comment on the ex’s family because it’s uncanny how often there is apparently a psycho ex family making threats to justify these decisions.

FWIW you’re not unreasonable to not want to look after his kids alone in the holidays.

But you are unreasonable to A, have made him reduce his contact, and B, the pair of you are unreasonable for moving four hours away from his kids.

Dontsparethehorses · 13/10/2023 06:01

Absolutely the right thing to do in the summer - if he wants to have them for 3 weeks you going away for 1 of the weeks is essential!! Your being generous to offer 2 without him taking holiday. Would you intend to all go away as a family for any of that time? To break it up and help distract his dc?

Labradoodlie · 13/10/2023 06:04

What a shit father he is.

Out of interest, what’s your plan for if/ when he ditches your kid and moves to the other side of the country?

PrueLeith · 13/10/2023 06:07

This, totally!

FWIW you’re not unreasonable to not want to look after his kids alone in the holidays.

But you are unreasonable to A, have made him reduce his contact, and B, the pair of you are unreasonable for moving four hours away from his kids.

Floppyelf · 13/10/2023 06:07

prepare for an onslaught op. I also think the mother is to blame if that’s how their side behaved when the father tried to discipline his own kids. Clearly she’s one of those benefit mums and i don’t think you want their influence on your new baby. Breezy is the way to go on this. Its his decision on how he wants to look after his children.

saffronsoup · 13/10/2023 06:09

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WaitingfortheTardis · 13/10/2023 06:09

He only currently sees them on his day off? Wow. Generally parents have to parent on days they have to work too. It sounds like he has basically deserted them really, moving that far away does mean he can't be a proper father to them in any meaningful way. He's becoming just a relative they sometimes visit, which is really sad. The solution really is for him not to desert his children by moving hours away.

MintJulia · 13/10/2023 06:10

Are you surprised the dcs play up when they get so little time with their father? And now he's cutting it more and moving away.

He's not a great dad, is he? I hope you are prepared for the same thing to happen to your dc. Have you considered how you would cope if their mother wasn't around any more and they lived with their dad full time.

Perhaps you could try welcoming them. Arranging days that are fun for all. It really isn't that difficult with a bit of thought.

But yes, your dp is unreasonable to expect you to do all the childcare. How will that affect your job? They are his responsibility and he should arrange his annual leave accordingly.

Louisa4987 · 13/10/2023 06:14

I think if you carry on making it so blatantly obvious how much you hate them the issue will sort itself out because they won't want to come anymore.
You sound like a right pairConfused

UtterlyButterly2048 · 13/10/2023 06:14

Agree with @MayThe4th Your post is all me me me and neither you nor dp are considering what’s best for his children, only yourselves. He sounds totally spineless so I would strap in and prepare for when he does this to you and your dc.

crew2022 · 13/10/2023 06:16

I would say the cause of the children's behaviour is not having consistent parenting from BOTH parents. This is about to get worse and so will their behaviour until it will be better for everyone that he doesn't see them. Only it won't actually be better for them in the long term.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 13/10/2023 06:18

My partners kids used to come round from Friday to Sunday weekly(this only started after we got together).

so he didn’t bother before. You encouraged him to build time with his kids and now that you’ve got your own they’re being ditched.

No wonder they’re playing up.

Lostcotter · 13/10/2023 06:18

MayThe4th · 13/10/2023 06:00

Wow.

So his kids played up so he reduced contact at your insistence and is now moving away from them.

What a prince among men he sounds.

No wonder his kids play up when they’ve been traded in for a new family with a father who can’t be arsed with them and a stepmom who wants them away from her precious offspring.

OP one day your babY will grow up to be a winy toddler/pre teen/teenager.

And bear in mind that if you split then you ought to be prepared for your child being treated the same for whichever new family he adopts.

I’m not going to comment on the ex’s family because it’s uncanny how often there is apparently a psycho ex family making threats to justify these decisions.

FWIW you’re not unreasonable to not want to look after his kids alone in the holidays.

But you are unreasonable to A, have made him reduce his contact, and B, the pair of you are unreasonable for moving four hours away from his kids.

All of this!

Original poster
Mumof1xxxx · 13/10/2023 06:19

I didn't make him reduce his contract. As I said they weren't even staying over before we got together and it was jointly decided. And were moving for him to have a better job. His industry doesn't pay very well in our area and money is a big issue for us.

OP posts:
WaitingfortheTardis · 13/10/2023 06:22

I'm not blaming you op, they aren't your children, but honestly he sounds absolutely dreadful. I can't understand why you'd look at all that and think he would make a great father.

MrsPoliportsGoose · 13/10/2023 06:27

So you had to encourage him to see his own kids? What a deadbeat dad, poor kids.

Lostcotter · 13/10/2023 06:30

WaitingfortheTardis · 13/10/2023 06:22

I'm not blaming you op, they aren't your children, but honestly he sounds absolutely dreadful. I can't understand why you'd look at all that and think he would make a great father.

And even if he is a great father to her kids, it’s still pretty poor he isn’t to his first set of kids. I couldn’t be with a man like that who is only a ‘good father’ to one/some of his kids. It wouldn’t sit well with me at all.

Some women just don’t care though as long as they think their kid will be the favoured one.

Agree with pp, poor kids.

crumblingschools · 13/10/2023 06:31

Did they come at weekends once you were on the scene because you could look after them?

If money is a big issue why did you have a child, so your partner has 3 children to support? I hope he pays maintenance

If mum’s side of the family are so bad why us he happy for them to have the majority of care of them?

ConnieTucker · 13/10/2023 06:35

I think be is an arsehole.

he wasnt interested in seeing his kids until he started seeing you. So he never sucked it up and did the childcare alone.

he wants them for extended periods of time now but still wont be the one parenting.

he was rude to you.

honestly, i would be doing cooking, washing etc when theyre there and id be going out. He needs to start parenting. They want him, not you.

who bought the switch?

OTM1982 · 13/10/2023 06:40

What will you do OP when your child starts whining and playing up? You both gonna move away from that kid too?

CwmYoy · 13/10/2023 06:46

Step mothers are always in the wrong with the usual posters on here. Predictable reactions.

Of course you aren't being unreasonable. The behaviour of his older children is supported by his ex's family. You don't have to deal with that.

Not your job to look after them.

YireosDodeAver · 13/10/2023 06:51

You DH is a bit of an arsehole.

I don't blame you for wanting to shield your new baby from the awful behaviour of their siblings and I certainly don't blame you for not wanting to be a peimary provider of childcare to them. As for saying you have to "suck it up" that is so horribly disrespectful and arrogant that is a massive red flag for the contempt in which he holds you.

You DH only wants the kids to come to you for so long in order to cut down on the amount of CM he is supposed to pay. The closer he can get it to 50:50 the less he has to pay, but if he will hardly ever be there it's pointless - he's just using your unwilling childcare services in order to score further points off his ex. What a piece of work. Putting the children's best interests first, it's better for them to be with their mum at times when their dad is unavailable, and for him to pay the appropriate CM to go with that.

The step-kids time with you realistically needs to be limited to no more than the time that he is off work and at home, with the maximum you are doing being facilitating how arrival and departure works to enable them to maximise their time together.

MayThe4th · 13/10/2023 06:57

CwmYoy · 13/10/2023 06:46

Step mothers are always in the wrong with the usual posters on here. Predictable reactions.

Of course you aren't being unreasonable. The behaviour of his older children is supported by his ex's family. You don't have to deal with that.

Not your job to look after them.

If all that with the ex’s family actally happened.

I have absolutely no doubt that there are some dreadful ex’s out there, but if you read this board you would think that all ex wives are bitches with psycho families, and that all these men (who generally only see their children when the SM is there, and who resent the maintenance they pay) have been lifelong victims of these awful women and their families.
But funny how none of these men are looking for more time not less, in order to keep these children away from their horrible mothers.

ResearchMcResearchFace · 13/10/2023 06:57

Your DH having his own kids, which presumably he also chose to have, is not just so his ex can work. You act like because she doesn't work, he can just not bother. It doesn't work like that. She needs time off, she needs an evening to herself and most importantly HE NEEDS TO SPEND TIME WITH HIS OWN CHILDREN. Did you even consult the children before deciding to move away? You sound awful and I can't believe that you don't see how this behaviour is indicative of your DH's attitude to his children. Basically that they're of no value unless he's shagging the mum. This could be you in two years time.
Plus the 'we had to move away to make more money' because that's important to you, it's not to his kids, I'm sure they'd prefer their dad there more.

ResearchMcResearchFace · 13/10/2023 07:00

Also where does it say the kids behave badly? They moaned about vegetables, like screen time and want to actually do something on their weekends. If that's 'awful behaviour' then I think 90% of children are similar.
Why can't you take them out every weekend OP? There's loads of free ideas. I expect you'll take your PFB out every weekend, I expect money will be found for that.