Moving away and stepkids visiting

[Mumof1xxxx]

My partners kids used to come round from Friday to Sunday weekly(this only started after we got together). His kids have no rules at all at home and I find them rude and ungrateful. I got pregnant last year and in fairness should have thought of it before but I got concerned how his kids behaviour would effect my future child. His kids would frequently not want to come because they ate veg at my house and didnt go out enough(we cant afford trips out every weekend and i dont think we should anyway). Early this year my partner properly disciplined his son for once putting parental controls on his switch so he had a time limit on it and couldn't play age appropriate games after he had a violent melt down for beong told to turn it off. This didn't go down well with child's mother and she and all her family were calling my partner and his family(Inc 83 year old nan) threatening him and telling him to take the controls off. He kept looking out the window expecting his car to be smashed up.
After this I had a serious discussion with him because i didn't think raising a baby around all that was acceptable and I wasn't comfortable. I felt our home was unstable with them staying and then not wanting to come constantly and didn't want their behaviour effecting her as he couldn't discipline them properly. He agreed and now sees them on sunday(currently his only day off from work- their mum doesn't work so this hasn't effected her childcare needs and children and often with his nan in the week).
Now I've had my daughter and my partners found a really good job but it's 4.5hr drive away. He'll be moving up in 2 weeks and I'll be following shortly after.
Our issue is now visiting his kids. He will be working a fair bit and only gets 24 days holiday so I will be the one dealing with a lot of their care when they come up(he's off every other weekend). He has asked that I help him with this - I said I would. We're now having a disagreement about when they should be coming up. He would like them for half of the Xmas holidays(1 week), half of easter holidays (1 week) and half of the summer holidays(3 weeks). I have said 2 weeks wpuld be better in the summer

1. I admit I won't cope looking after them that long
2. Whatever we start will likely continue for years and that's also half of my summer with my daughter and their Ge gap is large so they will want to do very different things and they will winge constantly doing anything not for just them - also don't think this is fair on my daughter spending half her summer at age inappropriate things.
3. They won't cope. His son will want to be put with friends(already moans about this coming one day a week). His daughter is very clingy with her mum. Never been that far away from home. Half the arguments of her not wanting to stay on the weekend were she misses her mum.

I suggested coming up in half term as well instead or split a week and a half either side of summer holidays. He said he won't have enough time to go pick them up and drop them off and use too many holidays. I think he could always pick them or drop them off on his days off so he wpuld use 1 holiday per visit and none if they stayed for 2 weeks in summer as its every other weekend off. I said 3 weeks is too much for me again and he tried to argue that they wouldn't be with me all the time - he can come home for his lunch and can take them to work sometimes. After going to work with him once they'll be bored doing it again and also when they stayed over weekends I did most of the care anyway (cooking, tidying up after them, planning) so I know it would be exactly the same if I was working or not.

He said I need to just suck it up. I've said no he can have them three weeks but I'll go away for one of them because otherwise I'll be looking after them and 3 weeks of winging and rudness and ungrateful behaviour is too much for me. I'm not their parent.
Am I being selfish saying this?

Hello, I am a step parent. I would say that your partner needs to step the fuck up. He is their parent. So he needs to parent them. He needs to be in their life more than a few weeks a year.

I think it would be fine of you to say you're not caring for them when they are with you and he needs to do it but frankly you should be encouraging him to spend more time with them not less!

She said they have no rules at their mums house… so clearly the mum doesn’t care about the behaviour.

I don't know why you're personally getting attacked here. The issue is their dad. He's failed his kids by not parenting properly, reducing his time with them and moving away from them. He's failed you by allowing his kids to be rude and disobedient and not standing up to his ex and her family. In your position I'd be pissed off too. It's not the kids fault but I wouldn't want to be around them either when their father doesn't parent them properly.

Moving 4.5 hours from his kids because he's worried his car will get smashed? Get a ring door bell and report any criminal activity to the police.

He's been massively unreasonable expecting you to provide childcare for him. They're not your responsibility and although it's great that you've offered to help out, your DP should listen when you tell him you won't cope. If he can't be there to look after his kids then they shouldn't be there. They're there to spend time with their dad, how can they do that if he's at work? I think he's been extremely selfish here and I wouldn't be enabling his behaviour.

Or go it alone

You have had a child with a real loser.

He has had little involvement with his children and has now decided the nearest female skivvy aupair...YOU ...can now look after HIS children.

You have chosen really poorly but these children are not your responsibility.

They have two parents that need to be looking after them, not you.

Think long and hard about moving so far away with such a loser.

He has utterly failed his older children and if I were you I would have zero faith in him behaving any better towards you and your child.

He's a complete loser.

I feel hugely sorry for his children, all of them.

No idea why are you getting such a hard time OP !
I do find it depressing how many fathers think it perfectly acceptable to expect their new wives/ partners to provide free childcare so that their lives can continue as normal . Have seen it in real life as well as on here .

I hope your marriage stays strong OP because I can’t think you would want your Dd cast off like this or treated so dismissively by his new partner.

You chose a man with children. To his shame he is not prioritising his children in his life and is letting you influence how he commits to them (or not).

Our issue is now visiting his kids. He will be working a fair bit and only gets 24 days holiday so I will be the one dealing with a lot of their care when they come up(he's off every other weekend). He has asked that I help him with this

I stopped reading after this. He's treating you like an unpaid nanny. Say no. He needs to find a new job that's family friendly. He's abandoning his children just to further his career. Will their mum drive 9 hours there and back (and then there and back again to collect the children and drive home)? That's 18 hours of driving a week.

How can you love and respect a man enough to have a baby with him when he doesn’t even parent the kids he already has?

Reducing contact is bad enough but moving 4 hours away is just awful.

OP I don't think that you should have to solely parent his children during his contact time. However, he really does seem like an awful dad, he had limited contact before you came along, then saw you as a nanny so initiated more contact, then reduced it because you found them difficult and now is moving 4.5 hours ago. Poor kids.

Could you describe some of their awful behaviour?

My stepkids mum has brought my DSDs bad behaviour to my DH on a few occasions. We had no idea what she was talking about because she is an absolute angel in our house. She's 5 and she even makes her own bed in the morning. The last time I remember her having a tantrum was about 3 years ago.

We have routine and boundaries in our house and she also gets loads of attention. It's the complete opposite at her mum's. No bedtime, unlimited screen time, junk food and she gets left with babysitters a lot. Her behaviour at her mum's is definitely reflective of her mum's parenting. I do sometimes worry that when she's older she'll want to spend more time at mum's where there's no rules but we're not about to start being lazy parents just to win favour. We'll cross that bridge if we come to it. We're more concerned about raising a well balanced, kind and healthy kid.

We've gone weeks/ months not seeing my 16yo DSS over the years because he didn't like the rules. He eventually comes round when he realises his dad is only doing what's best for him and now barely even talks to his mum.

Imagine the horror of taking a lower paid job to accommodate your children. Women do this all the time and no one bats an eyelid but god forbid a man misses out on a good job opportunity because he has children.

I'm being unfair, there are plenty of fathers who do take a hit on their career in order to be there for their kids. It's just something you have to do sometimes when you choose the be a parent. I took a huge pay cut so I could WFH 100% and my DH misses out on overtime constantly because he'd rather be there to spend time with his kids.

He needs to figure out childcare. It would be morally right if you helped considering you’re at home with your little one anyway.

You’re not a free childminder. It’s unreasonable of him to expect you to have them for weeks at a time. He needs to be the one to arrange childcare and arrangements for when he’s available, not just expect you to do it all. Yes sure it’s fine to help out, but for them to be your sole responsibility.

Your DP reducing contact with his own children due to behaviour is really sad. My DH ex wife loves to undone any discipline he implements and it’s caused a lot of issues over the years. Did this make my DH want to see his kids less? No! That’s not a normal reaction for a loving father! The best he could do for those kids is be the consistent parent. They won’t thank him for it now, but you’re a parent to parent, not be their mate.

Doesn’t it make you really wary of him how he is so happy to toss his kids aside when things get difficult? The whole moving 4.5hrs away would set alarm bells ringing too!

How often do you have your step child?

His children are his responsibility not yours. Don’t let him be ‘generous’ with your time, work and effort, especially when he won’t put it in himself when it’s his job!
He’s off every other weekend, there’s no reason he can’t see them on some of these weekends, even if it means travelling to them. During holidays it should be when he’s off to look after them, and he should be the one looking after them.
He’s a shit father, no doubt. He’s also a shit partner. You can’t and shouldn’t make up for either of those things. He didn’t bother until you were there to do it for him. Now he’s trying to appease his guilt of moving by offering you up to care for them. Say no!! Withdraw your offer. At least until he takes the bulk of it. Yes most likely he just won’t bother and the kids will lose out. But really, what are they losing? He’s not going to parent them this way anyway. If/when you get sense and leave him they will be back to square one anyway. Not your job op.

How about you breathe a sigh of relief you are four hours away?

He has AL so he should be taking it when they visit especially in the 6 weeks holidays

No decent father would move 4 hours away

Try harder to accept these kids. They are kids. They need their parents.

All kids misbehave not just step kids.

It’s amazing how many men have children with women who are terrible parents, yet the male response is to have less time with their children .

Most people if their children were being failed by their other parent would be keeping as close as possible and trying to have more time with their children to protect and help them.

50%

Fucking hell!

The best he can do now is use some weekends and all his holiday time, go to where they live and rent an air B&B for quality time.

He isn't an active parent for them now, and there doesn't seem to be much point trying to blend families here does there?

Pretty sure it's OP's boyfriend and they're not married. I very much doubt he would marry her.

People don't post on here if their step-parenting experience is going well. I know a lot of step-parents and a lot of them have had decent step-parenting experiences.

@Laurdo if you both make her feel safe and listened to then it is not automatic that she will want to spend more time with her mother. Depending on her intelligence including emotional plus who her peers are, be prepared for her to want to spend more time living with you.

This - the poor children - nobody actually giving enough damn to parent them. Well good luck because if you think their behaviour is bad now wait until they add abandonment issues.

Are you prepared for your child to face the same if your relationship breaks up?