Moving away and stepkids visiting

[Mumof1xxxx]

My partners kids used to come round from Friday to Sunday weekly(this only started after we got together). His kids have no rules at all at home and I find them rude and ungrateful. I got pregnant last year and in fairness should have thought of it before but I got concerned how his kids behaviour would effect my future child. His kids would frequently not want to come because they ate veg at my house and didnt go out enough(we cant afford trips out every weekend and i dont think we should anyway). Early this year my partner properly disciplined his son for once putting parental controls on his switch so he had a time limit on it and couldn't play age appropriate games after he had a violent melt down for beong told to turn it off. This didn't go down well with child's mother and she and all her family were calling my partner and his family(Inc 83 year old nan) threatening him and telling him to take the controls off. He kept looking out the window expecting his car to be smashed up.
After this I had a serious discussion with him because i didn't think raising a baby around all that was acceptable and I wasn't comfortable. I felt our home was unstable with them staying and then not wanting to come constantly and didn't want their behaviour effecting her as he couldn't discipline them properly. He agreed and now sees them on sunday(currently his only day off from work- their mum doesn't work so this hasn't effected her childcare needs and children and often with his nan in the week).
Now I've had my daughter and my partners found a really good job but it's 4.5hr drive away. He'll be moving up in 2 weeks and I'll be following shortly after.
Our issue is now visiting his kids. He will be working a fair bit and only gets 24 days holiday so I will be the one dealing with a lot of their care when they come up(he's off every other weekend). He has asked that I help him with this - I said I would. We're now having a disagreement about when they should be coming up. He would like them for half of the Xmas holidays(1 week), half of easter holidays (1 week) and half of the summer holidays(3 weeks). I have said 2 weeks wpuld be better in the summer

1. I admit I won't cope looking after them that long
2. Whatever we start will likely continue for years and that's also half of my summer with my daughter and their Ge gap is large so they will want to do very different things and they will winge constantly doing anything not for just them - also don't think this is fair on my daughter spending half her summer at age inappropriate things.
3. They won't cope. His son will want to be put with friends(already moans about this coming one day a week). His daughter is very clingy with her mum. Never been that far away from home. Half the arguments of her not wanting to stay on the weekend were she misses her mum.

I suggested coming up in half term as well instead or split a week and a half either side of summer holidays. He said he won't have enough time to go pick them up and drop them off and use too many holidays. I think he could always pick them or drop them off on his days off so he wpuld use 1 holiday per visit and none if they stayed for 2 weeks in summer as its every other weekend off. I said 3 weeks is too much for me again and he tried to argue that they wouldn't be with me all the time - he can come home for his lunch and can take them to work sometimes. After going to work with him once they'll be bored doing it again and also when they stayed over weekends I did most of the care anyway (cooking, tidying up after them, planning) so I know it would be exactly the same if I was working or not.

He said I need to just suck it up. I've said no he can have them three weeks but I'll go away for one of them because otherwise I'll be looking after them and 3 weeks of winging and rudness and ungrateful behaviour is too much for me. I'm not their parent.
Am I being selfish saying this?

How old are the kids?

So he wasn’t interested in them until he had you to help/do the work. He’s increased his contact. Got them used to that. And now he’s dropped them to one day a week. Shortly to be dropped even further because you (understandably) don’t want to be left with the work anymore.

He’e basically showing that he’s a shit father.

How can you even find him attractive.

Poor kids

They're reasons they don't want to stay at our house. They're poor behaviour is an entirely different story. Also no I don't take her out like that every weekend. We do activities at the leasure centre that we pay for a membership. His kids don't want to do anything there. Out to parks or the beach isn't good enough. Visiting family isn't good enough.

Their poor behaviour is a result of NEITHER of their parents parenting them. Mum couldn’t give a crap but atleast she’s there, dad reduced contact to avoid bad behaviour and please his new baby and is now moving away. You are all doing a crap job for these kids.

@Mumof1xxxx ok give some examples? I'm usually quite sympathetic but you don't have much experience of older children so it's hard to tell if you're being unreasonable or not.

How old are they, how many?

@TeaKitten it didn't even say mum didn't care, it said she didn't agree with the switch settings.

I really struggle with posts like this where children are described as “whinging” “rude” etc when it seems the parent involved has basically opted out of parenting. So the father barely saw them before the relationship with op began, now he’s moving 4.5 hrs away from them. I’m not surprised one doesn’t want to see him and the other acts angry….I suspect it’s a result of the very little care he seems to have given them.

So OP, why didn’t he see his kids before you moved in together?

And are you saying that the first time you actually met these children was when you moved in with him? Were you pregnant as well then by any chance?

I suspect the kids are badly behaved (assuming they really are and it’s not just normal kid behaviour) because they have no respect for him.

He hasn’t bothered with them for however many years, and now suddenly he thinks he can just walk back into their life and expect to be listened to as the disciplinarian. Well it doesn’t work like that.

He needs to have built a relationship with his kids from scratch.

But sounds like he doesn’t actually want them, he probably decided to start seeing them to make you think he’s a decent father, and is likely elated by the fact you’ve asked him to reduce contact and now he can move four hours away and not bother with them at all, oh, apart from a bit of time to reduce the maintenance he has to pay his mother to support the kids he clearly doesn’t want.

Could it be there simply don’t want to be with you as much as you seem not to want to be with them.

He's a deadbeat shit of a father, and I feel dreadfully sorry for the children.
You have had a new baby, and are moving 4.5 hours away to play happy families when he already only sees his children once a week.
What a prize - let's hope he doesn't fuck off and leave your daughter the way he has his other kids when he's had "a brilliant opportunity".

My husbands pay isn't great in our area. Theoretically we could move 2 hours away where we'd be better off financially. But that has and will never be an option to even think about because he has two DC here and would never want to leave them.

This isn't your fault OP, I know all too well how difficult it can be navigating the step mum role when you become a mother yourself. But your DH is responsible for those children as much as their mother, yet she couldn't move 4.5 hrs away. It's incredible to me that a parent could.

This is a classic case . Dad can’t be arsed with children- gets g/f suddenly interested in kids .

I am guessing mum bought switch Dad put controls on ?

These kids need more 1-1 time with Dad .

no I don’t blame you not wanting to be childcare….

what is it you feel they want to do every weekend you can’t afford?

The ages are very relevant here .. A 5 year old needs to be dragged out to beach/ park .. a teen he has probably left it too late and see right through him .

People like you are the reason step parents get such a hard time.

Those poor children. Your shitty treatment of them makes me too cross even to enter into this.

It baffles me what you saw in this absolute catch to have your own child with him. I bet you feel very smug you’ve moved him away from his other children and got what you clearly wanted.

Has he ever prioritised his DC? I suspect not.

Surely you can see OP that his children are getting a very, very bad deal out of this? They're getting next to no time or attention from their father. He has a new partner to replace their mum. He has a new baby to replace them. He moves 4.5hrs away for the sake of money. Being a present parent should surely come before more money, always.

FWIW, I agree that you're being unfairly and unreasonably expected to have the DC with you for such a stretch over the summer. He's using you as a babysitter. Neither they nor you will enjoy their time with you.

He is the root of the problem. He's a poor father making very poor decisions that affect everyone around him except himself.

Leave him and start again with someone who is more likely to be a good parent.

I recently started a job working with families.

I see wonderful children, and I see appallingly behaved children. And there's a direct correlation between how the parents behave to how their children behave.

I have parents who are lazy, entitled, incredibly rude to me and other staff, and their offspring are identical. I don't know why PP are insisting the mother (and her family) aren't possibly like this. They may not be, but from OP they certainly sound that way.

There needs to be unity between the parents. If the mother sends them knowing you'll be doing most of the (unpaid) childcare, then she also accepts you will be acting as the parental person and can enforce rules/disciplines, and needs to back you when those rules are challenged by her DC. It's not ok to be expected by her and DP that you look after them but have to tiptoe around them like royalty with no control.

If that's not the case, then you don't do childcare.

Many of us pay a fortune to nurseries etc and we understand that our DC will follow their entirely reasonable and necessary rules whilst within their care. If I started phoning the nursery staff and their families about how dare they do this that and the other, I'd be told to take my DC elsewhere. This is no different. Mum is not the oracle whom all must obey. Dad is an equal decision maker and needs to start acting like one.

If they continue to actively make co parenting impossible, then just bow out completely, it's not for you to be some unpaid nanny treated like crap. Let your DH sort the whole thing out himself, and he'll only be able to have them when he can look after them.

In my opinion he's failing his children full stop. He should have fought for custody when he realised they had a dysfunctional home life rather than skipping parenting! 3 weeks or 2 isn't a hill to die on

I agree with this totally about the link between children behaviour and parents. Almost always children with difficult behave have tricky or inadequate parenting (not Always but mostly). Even in my own children I can see how my actions impact on their behaviour for the good or bad.

I also agree I should probably opt out of childcare. This would force the father to actually parent his own children.

Gosh OP- I am struggling to understand why your relationship seemed to progress so rapidly when it's clear you don't like your stepchildren very much and things are in no way settled and stable and you hadn't got a handle on the situation with them first. I feel embarrassed (as a sm myself) cause posts like this is why we get a pasting on here.

I can appreciate that there are many issues not of your causing in this situation which sounds very messy. And I do agree that you're not obliged to provide all the childcare for his kids in holidays and would be better if a solution can be reached that involves him spending the lion's share of time with them, as he is their dad and ultimately they are there to spend time with him, not you.

Ultimately it is the kids I feel bad for in this situation - none of them asked for this and whatever their behaviour may be, they need adults on all sides who don't give up on them.

I think the best solution is for him to arrange his leave around their holidays and spend it nearby to them. That way he spends quality time with them AND they have their friends, etc. It’s true that you are not their parent and attempting to affect behavioural change with them is a Highway to futility.

I think it's really unfair of your DH to be opting in and out of his children's lives in this way. It's also a bit off for him to be complaining about their behaviour when he wasn't there to model behaviour for them. Their mother, however difficult she seems, did ALL of the work, and for that, your husband should be eternally grateful.

Imagine if the children's mother decided that she wanted a good job and had to move hundreds of miles away, leaving her kids and barely seeing them at all. Do you think that would be fair?

I don't think you should be in charge of the care of your stepkids on the rare occasion they stay, no- But I'd be very wary of your husband. He has shown he's capable of abandoning his offspring.