End relationship over GFs horrible children

[Stepdadorstepaway]

I have been with my girlfriend for 3.5 years. We both have kids from our prior marriages. Mine are 6m, 8m and hers are 8f, 10m. We lived together as a family for 7 months until I had to remove myself and my boys from the toxic environment.

Now all kids can be a pain in the butt, right? Although there is a difference between kids being kids and the behaviors her kids display.

The daughter is vindictive and spiteful, with a very strong temper. Often tells her mother to shut up.

She does not take no for an answer, especially when being punished (time out.) she was sent to time out which then lead to her messing up her room, our room, my boys room and her brothers room.

To top it off, she took a sharpie and wrote I HATE MAMA on the kitchen counters.

I’ve had to hold her seatbelt in the back seat and pin her down, to allow her mother to safely take her to school. She has cracked her moms window trying to kick it out. It’s insane.

Her son has been physically and verbally abusive towards his mother, causing chaos.

Slamming doors, breaking things, throwing drinks in his moms face, broke his moms toe, foul language, kicking car seats while she tries to drive, hit his mom with a vacuum, Running away from home and school.

Police have been involved, and CPS was involved, unfounded BS.

He exhibits symptoms of ODD and bipolar disorder, with rapid changes in behavior. Something as simple as asking him to get his shoes on starts a screaming match.

The father has shut down therapy. This all had a bad impact on our relationship.

I had to remove my boys and myself from the home.

THE PREDICAMENT

We have been seeing each other again. I told her I cannot be around her kids right now.

It’s so bad that even a picture of her son turns me off. She promises me that he has been better lately but I don’t have faith in that.

It sucks to have to throw away the love of my life over her kids behaviors. Her kids aren’t going anywhere, I know that.

She feels like I am abandoning her while she is faced with these hard kids.

Just having trouble deciding what to do.

Do I tread carefully and see what happens or cut ties and wish them the best?

Any feedback from anyone been in a similar situation would be amazing.

I would cut ties. A relationship with the mother can’t be to the exclusion of her children, and I would also worry about my own children in the circumstances you have described. It’s very sad, but I would steer clear and look elsewhere for a relationship.

I think it's up to you. I will say that if you do want to continue your relationship, I think it would only really work if you and GF were happy with the idea that this would be a relationship where you see each other without children, for the long term. If either of you feels you need to be in a relationship where you eventually cohabit, this is not the relationship for you or your children.

That is to say, I think you can continue to see her if you are both happy to be dating, or have a long-term relationship where you don't live together.

Behaviour is always a form of communication. She needs to rebuild her relationship with her children before she builds a relationship with you. Whether she thinks she needs you or not.

She feels like I am abandoning her while she is faced with these hard kids

No you're putting your children first as you should. You've already had to remove your kids once from this situation due to its toxicity, do not risk it again.

I'm sorry but I really don't see how it could work. This isn't different in parenting this sounds like her children will need significant supports going forward. I would not choose this for my children.

Flogging a dead horse op. She will always be their dm. And always whr priority.. Find a more harmonious relationship to share your dc with in time.

They must be extremely unhappy children to be displaying such a level of bad behaviour. Nothing to be gained from staying, walk away for everyone's sake.

You can't fix the kids however much you want to. If you go back there, I predict that your relationship with the kids will fall apart because you're an adult who should be protecting them from having to live with kids who clearly need a lot of help.

I wouldn’t subject my kids to that environment again. It would be a definite no for me.

Terrible idea to get back together.

Thank you all very, very much! Deep down, I know that leaving is the right decision.

It’s just so hard giving up on somebody. You know… Somebody you saw the rest of your life with.

I just need to find a way to have this discussion with her. Which won’t be easy… She’s hyper emotional.

"He exhibits symptoms of ODD and bipolar disorder, with rapid changes in behavior"...... Sweeping statement which makes me doubt you have much insight into MH.

Doesn't sound like these children are happy or feel secure. Not sure why either of you thought foisting an entire new family on them would help. Time to focus on meeting the needs of the children and move on.

The school counselor mention the ODD.

I didn’t feel it necessary to explain every little thing about him as it would be too long to read.

I’m not kidding when I say something as simple as “can you get your coat on so we can go to school?”

Turns into a fight, a screaming match, and a table getting flipped over

Walk away.

It’s a sad situation, OP, but your own children are your priority and you did the right thing walking away.

If you stay in touch with your ex, don’t involve any of the children and absolutely do not move back in together. You can really only see her when both sets of children are with their other parents (I’m assuming they have contact).

One of my friends is in a LTR with a partner whose children have battled problems. They’ve never moved in together and are careful to keep their respective children apart except on special occasions. They may consider moving in together when the youngest child is a young adult (he’s currently 14) but not before.

I agree with @Lizzieregina and @HamBone on this

Perhaps if you were child free yourself you might be inclined to take on the burden of these challenging children because they belong to ‘the love of your life’. But I would not do this at the detriment of my own, no way. Your own kids should come first always.

You've done the right thing for your kids,

But a few things stood out for me:
Bipolar disorder isn't rapid mood swings and sudden flip outs. ODD has been raised by a professional. ODD and rapid mood swings together can indicate ADHD, bipolar is a common misdiagnosis (professional or personal) for ADHD as both are poorly understood.

The daughter also has meltdowns. Time out for an 8 year old isn't really age appropriate can also be the utterly wrong approach for some kids, it' escalates an already heightened emotional state.

You say mum is hyper emotional.

I'd say there's a lot of unsupported needs there with the kids and, combined with the few snippets you've shared, could indicate unsupported neurodivergence. Or unsupported outcomes from trauma. I'm not diagnosing online from snippets. Just highlighting possibilities for such unusual and devastating behaviour from young children. Their mum must need support with them. But that support should not be at the expense of your children who should come first. I have to wonder whether you were aware of what her children were like before you moved in. I'd have thought you'd have been close enough to have seen some of the behaviour before you made that decision? Or did it escalate a lot when you and your kids moved in, in which case you and your children moving out ass best for ALL the children.

Her kids were very difficult prior to us moving in. I had to have many talks with her son about respecting his mother and sister.

foolish of me to think we could love the kids through it. And be a positive male role model.

when I moved out he got even worse. There wasn’t a man around. This lead to him hitting his mom with a vacuum, breaking a window, and more.

lost cause in my eyes

Would the relationship work for you if you lived separately?

You need to move on and leave this family be. While I applaud you protecting your children, as you should, the way you speak of her children is awful. These are young kids who are obviously struggling and likely neurodivergent. To call a struggling 8yr old spiteful and vindictive is awful, you obviously haven’t a clue. Even calling the mother hyper emotional. She’s dealing with all this with her children and having to deal with you on top, of course she’s hyper emotional.
Was there no signs of these issues before you moved in? Because moving in and then out again a short while later would have made a difficult situation worse.
The mum needs help and support, but that’s not going to come from you. She needs professional involvement. If her ex refuses she needs to go above his head, legally if needs be. Those children need help and the sooner the better.

No need to reply like that, as you know nothing about me or some of the finer details of the situation.

people post on here for help and advice. If you aren’t here to be helpful, go waste your time else where.

thank you!

I feel I could personally do that. Not sure if she could.

but then again. What message or example of a relationship does that give our kids….

Vindictive and spiteful are nothing but adjectives.

i understand her kids have been traumatized and need help. They may not have full control over these emotions. That doesn’t mean she cannot be seen as spiteful.

again. You don’t know the full story and if you did…those adjectives would make perfectly fine sense.

Don't set yourself and your kids on fire to keep someone else warm.