End relationship over GFs horrible children

[Stepdadorstepaway]

I have been with my girlfriend for 3.5 years. We both have kids from our prior marriages. Mine are 6m, 8m and hers are 8f, 10m. We lived together as a family for 7 months until I had to remove myself and my boys from the toxic environment.

Now all kids can be a pain in the butt, right? Although there is a difference between kids being kids and the behaviors her kids display.

The daughter is vindictive and spiteful, with a very strong temper. Often tells her mother to shut up.

She does not take no for an answer, especially when being punished (time out.) she was sent to time out which then lead to her messing up her room, our room, my boys room and her brothers room.

To top it off, she took a sharpie and wrote I HATE MAMA on the kitchen counters.

I’ve had to hold her seatbelt in the back seat and pin her down, to allow her mother to safely take her to school. She has cracked her moms window trying to kick it out. It’s insane.

Her son has been physically and verbally abusive towards his mother, causing chaos.

Slamming doors, breaking things, throwing drinks in his moms face, broke his moms toe, foul language, kicking car seats while she tries to drive, hit his mom with a vacuum, Running away from home and school.

Police have been involved, and CPS was involved, unfounded BS.

He exhibits symptoms of ODD and bipolar disorder, with rapid changes in behavior. Something as simple as asking him to get his shoes on starts a screaming match.

The father has shut down therapy. This all had a bad impact on our relationship.

I had to remove my boys and myself from the home.

THE PREDICAMENT

We have been seeing each other again. I told her I cannot be around her kids right now.

It’s so bad that even a picture of her son turns me off. She promises me that he has been better lately but I don’t have faith in that.

It sucks to have to throw away the love of my life over her kids behaviors. Her kids aren’t going anywhere, I know that.

She feels like I am abandoning her while she is faced with these hard kids.

Just having trouble deciding what to do.

Do I tread carefully and see what happens or cut ties and wish them the best?

Any feedback from anyone been in a similar situation would be amazing.

We can only go on what you’ve written. Not having control does mean she’s not being spiteful and vindictive.
I have 4 neurodivergent children including one who has emotional regulation difficulties. He has also shouted inappropriate things, wrecked rooms, hit out. So I do know something of what I’m talking about. It took me a lot of fighting to get him the help and support he needed. He’s doing great now. However difficult it was for us as his parents, and also for his siblings, he was suffering more than all of us. He is a long way from spiteful and vindictive. He couldn’t control it and it broke his heart and ours. He is the sweetest kid who just struggled.

Seperate for all your children's sake.
if you must maintain the relationship keep it completely seperate from the children and just date. No moving in together or trying to do family days out no blending of families etc.
Basically put the children first

Don't just walk...run. I hope she can get the professional help they need 😪

Has she not had these children evaluated by medical professionals to determine what could be the underlying issues behind this behavior? My gosh it sounds like they could easily qualify for intense psychiatric inpatient treatment! I say this as my special needs child at puberty required that when he became violent towards people. I would not recommend going further into this relationship without this kind of assessment happening. Protect your own family and keep the kids apart

If you’re referring to living separately and only seeing each other when you don’t have the children with you (at least the majority of the time), you’d be showing that the children are your main priority., wouldn’t you?

I mentioned my friend’s relationship. Their two daughters (aged 18 and 19) have never got on so they don’t make them spend time together. Both daughters appreciate that.

This.

I see what you were saying. Where I was coming from was more like… The example of a healthy relationship for our kids. Not that her kids know… But they often question why they don’t get to see me. Why they don’t get to see my boys.

My boys have asked if they could hang out with them a few times over the past couple months. I always kind of making an excuse. For right or for wrong.

I guess that would be a conversation we would have to have with our kids separately… But trying to explain that to kids ages 6 to 10 might take a little bit of work

Sad

I just wanted to thank you all for your input on this.

break ups are already hard as it is. But even harder when love on both ends is still there and strong.

I am just so torn

The best thing you did was move out and end the relationship. Even if you had no children of your own, this doesn’t sound fixable without significant MH expertise. It also sounds as if your ex may have her own MH battles, which could compound her children’s issues.

Nothing to be gained by staying together so a clean break would be much better for you and children. 6 and 8 are amazing ages to enjoy - their lives should be filled with happy times, not violence and swearing.

Don’t hesitate because your ex will be upset. Be strong and block her if need to. And don’t feel for a minute that you’re ‘abandoning’ her. She needs to fix herself and step up as a parent.

Exactly this. Whether the behaviour is caused by the relationship or by something else it is clear that you and your kids being around is not helping. Her kids are deeply unhappy about something, but I don’t think it is your place to fix it, and it is certainly not fair for your kids to be caught up in whatever it is.

You need to put them first, which is also incidentally putting your partners kids in a better place for her to work out her relationship with them.

You can’t separate and distract your partner from her children , her unhappy children will grow into unhappy adults, they need her attention uncomplicated by you and your kids.

Thank you so much. And yes my gf has some MH things of her own that she has been reluctant in getting help with.

i can see where some of that is related when it comes to her kids.

i think I know what needs to be done. :(

I just don't know why somebody would willingly subject themselves and their children to this. Her children are hardly likely to be a good influence on your children - quite the contrary. Nothing is being done to help her children or modify their behaviour. Her children haven't even hit their teens yet so there may well be worse ahead. Love is all very well but, on its own, it's not enough.

I say this as somebody who had very difficult children who are now adults doing well. It was incredibly unpleasant for me and my husband and I think we will be traumatised from those years for the rest of our lives. I literally cried every day for years. And we were trying desperately with shrinks and medication galore. If they weren't my children I would have walked away.

She and her children need to be in family therapy right away. This could actually be a very dangerous situation, especially as her kids grow older. I'm so glad you and your sons left that home. Because you love the mother, I believe you should try to help support her in finding an excellent therapist.

Exactly. This cannot work. And I think you did the responsible thing getting your kids out of the situation. Maybe losing you will make her do something about her children's behavior because it is not ok

I think you should help her get some professional support and diagnoses for the kids who sound like they are neurodivergent (although their behaviour could also be as a result of complex trauma, there is a lot of overlap with neurodiversity).

I cannot recommend highly enough the book Beyond Behaviours by Mona Delahooke. Reading this book and following the advice in it will help your gf and her children enormously. If no time to read, listen to it on audible.

Your gf must also work on her own mental health as a priority before she can help her children.

This honesty is special. No malice, just honesty about the way we feel sometimes. Grateful for reading this (thanks for sharing) it makes a change from the unrealistic demands and expectations to think and feel only positives or be labelled as abusers and bastards.

He didnt hit her because " there was no man around".
His behaviour is some deeprooted issue you cannot solve. Step away. For your dc sake.
She and her kids need intensive therapeutic support. You cannot give that.

I will check that book out! Ty!

If her children are asking why they don't get to see you and your sons does she tell them the truth? She needs to - with complete honesty.

I have told her that. Tell her son the reason why we had to move out. I’ll gladly tell him. Nicely of course. But to let him know his actions have affected many lives.

we had to live with my mom for months before I found a place.

she fears telling him will send him in a downward spiral. Which would suck but we learn lessons as we fall.

I am just sharing a small overview of the story here. Someone it is flat out insane.

unfortunately for her….her kids will lead her to leave a single life until they grow up.

which is so sad. She is such and incredible person.

It's not fair on your own kids, OP.
I would back off.

Encourage your GF to seek help. She has a terribly violent child. I feel so sorry for her. Once the kid has been put on some medication the whole situation might change.
Can she put the child in care until they are safer to be around? Is the kid a danger to their own siblings?

She can’t really place him anywhere. I tossed the idea out to having him stay with his father until they can figure things out and calm down.

she didn’t like the idea and the father refuses to take him if it is not his custodial day. He just tells her to be a better parent

he was never aggressive or violent towards my kids but he would get that way with his sister but nothing crazy. He did get suspended for school for fighting a kid on the bus

ODD is now part of the autism spectrum and your description of pinning the DD down to get her in to school sounds very much like they both have undiagnosed and unmet needs. They aren't horrible, they're very overwhelmed. Obviously that doesn't mean the relationship is right for either of you but I really hope the Mum and children get the support they need.

I agree with you on that. They are overwhelmed. It’s hard for children to use words to express their emotions. Behaviors are away for them to communicate their emotions or need that they may have.

Unfortunately, mother and father weren’t “listening “when their behaviors started, and they have spiraled out of control