Do you ever feel watched/listened to in your own home by DSC?

[spookymooky1]

My DSD is 11 and has always since I've been in her life (5 years) listened to adult conversations, I don't know if this is normal but she takes a lot of pride in knowing exactly what's going on with our relationship and within the house in general and it's often made me self edit when she's here (40% of the time)
For example I might mention to my DH I need to book our dog in for a teeth clean and she'll ask the next time if rufus has had his teeth done, sounds innocent enough and maybe it is but when its frequent comments all through the day it does become wearing. I must also point out these often arnt family conversations, she over hears us talking whilst we cook dinner or load the dishwasher and she sits listening.
We were at a family party last weekend and my sister had a drink earlier to toast the occasion, small glass of fizz, when my sister got up to leave (bearing in mind this was around 3 hours later) dsd asked "are you driving? Just I saw you had a drink" tbh I didn't think much about it as I'm so used to these sorts of comments all the time but my sister was appalled and completely embarrassed in front of everyone, I do remember the room went quiet and I laughed it off by saying something like, are you the police?? DH said nothing
Anyway since my sister has pointed this out I do wonder if she should be called out on listening to grown up conversations and passing what feels very much like judgement?

My DD is a right little earwig and also prides herself on knowing EVERYTHING thats going on - yes it is a bit wearing!

@yogasaurus - agree it's not the same. A parent of a young child will want to know more about where that child is living, albeit part time, than the parent of an adult.

But if it’s the home of an ex, they’ve no right to see it. As you said, it’s invasive.

@yogasaurus - and if it's the home of their child for part of the time then I don't think it's unreasonable for them to want to see it.

I disagree it's about being seen and not heard. As an adult do you march up to people, butt in their conversations and make rude comments? It's nothing to do with age, but appropriate social boundaries. I'm pretty surprised how many posters don't think it's a key social skill - but I guess that explains some of the rude kids and adults that are about.

I think it is context dependent surely?

Walking up to total strangers and joining in their conversation is clearly rude.

Joining in a conversation between your family members in the common areas of your own home is surely pretty normal? If my sons are talking, I don't wait for an invite to join in, I similarly expect my kids not to feel like they can't join in our conversation

@AnneElliott nowhere in the ops posts has she mentioned that her step daughter marches up to strangers in the street and butts into their conversations. She joins in with conversations that are happening within her actual home and social circles.

The child should be guided by her father on appropriate topics of conversation for example, not asking people how much money they have. In fact, children learn a lot more about communication from watching, listening and modelling than they do from being lectured or humiliated, so they should be part of interesting family discussions that are age appropriate.

What you’re describing is something all kids do - not just step-children.

Obviously it’s just a lot easier when it’s your own kids to move away / change the subject / tell them to MTOB.

And you definitely do not need to answer direct questions about money or other things you consider to be private! No question about that.

My DC have asked me what I earn, and I just say ‘enough. It’s not really something you ask people, by the way - their income is their business’. That’s helpful - because it isn’t something you ask people, and they need to be told that, so as to avoid embarrassing themselves down the line.

You don’t have to be quite so frank in your response if you don’t feel comfortable being, but you also definitely don’t have to answer the question.

However, I fully get your sister being embarrassed by that situation. I would have been, too. It’s being put on the spot by a child, and then feeling like you need to defend yourself - in front of an audience - when you’ve done nothing wrong!

Of course your sister didn’t enjoy that. Yes, there are ways she could have responded to take the ‘heat’ (for want of a better word) out of the situation, but you don’t always think of those when you’re on the spot and embarrassed.

I don't see the problem with her asking about things she's heard about family life. It's nice that she's interested. It's her home and family after all.

And the drinking alcohol when driving, good for her. No need to be appalled, just explain why it was ok if you think it is. We don't drink at all when driving so if my child said this to others, good.

As for asking about money, if you're not comfortable answering, just deflect.

It sounds like as you have so many rules about what you can and can't say in your house, her dad needs to actually let her know what these rules of yours are.

I agrée thé op doesn't say that - I was more responding to earlier posters who seemed to think that joining private conversations and butting in was ok.

I agrée @arintingly - it's about time and place. My DS knows he's the centre of my world and of course joins in conversations with me and his dad.

What he doesn't do though is think he's the centre of everyone else's world and join in when I'm speaking to friends or family about subjects that are none of his business. There's a time and place e and ops DH needs to be the one to tell his child about when it's appropriate to join in and when it isn't.

So how do you think a child should behave in a family gathering?

I do think it's fine for them to take part in conversations

I agree with this. Surely children shouldn’t be taught to ignore drunk driving. I know your sister in this case was safe to drive, but better to explain why she was safe, rather than to stop any questioning.

I have a different take and feel perhaps due to my own culture that your SD's behaviour is completely unacceptable and lacking in boundaries

I am not saying that children will not be curious about adult conversations etc but they should be taught social norms about repeating conversations not directed at them or making 'observations' loudly that would embarrass others, ask her how she would feel if you loudly questioned some of her behaviours loudly in the company of others rather than speaking to her separately or discreetly about it?

All these posters saying my child/ step child listens at doors and goes through my draws etc as if that's ok! Do they do that at school, listening in at the staff room door or interjecting or commenting on conversations with peers and teachers (I am sure they would be told to mind their own business)

It is not cute or curious behaviour, and whilst I understand that insecurity could be at the root, why should adults feel they have to tip toe around these nosey children in their own homes?

I keep adult conversations and arguments away from my own kids however if my children kept on commenting when I was not speaking to them I would tell them to "stay out of grown up conversations/ business"

Totally unacceptable and unlikely to prepare them for the real world when others will tell them in no uncertain terms how nosey their behaviour is!

Your SD sounds alert, attentive and bright.
She is just feeling very comfortable - like she is part of the family. That is so good.
Most kids comment on things to their family.
She was caring about your sister.
I would not worry. As she gets older she will learn what is socially inappropriate to refer to in a group of people - especially if you and her Dad help her out.
Knowing that she rememebers and processes everything she hears, you should bear in mind what you say incase she becomes anxious. Don't share really adult or private conversations in earshot. (Views on others, finances, crimes in the news etc.)
Your SD is almost a teenager and they often communicate like an adult about everything.
Maybe she will never drink and drive.

(One of my sons always judged me if I went over the speed limit a fraction.)

What is your relationship like with SD?

I ask because your reactions to her seem unusual. The first example is just normal talking about family life. She lives there too, almost half the time, so that is her home too. If something is private then go somewhere private to speak about it and don’t make her feel uncomfortable about hearing and joining in normal family chit chat in her own home.

The second example, is a teaching moment. Like others, I’d be proud my child had absorbed drink driving safety messages, and taken the positive opportunity to explain the nuance in the rule and why it is ok in this situation.

I’d be happy she felt confident to ask about something that confused or worried her. I don’t know why anybody was shocked or appalled or didn’t just explain to her. If anything, I think you should apologise to her for the “police” comment, affirm the danger of drink driving, explain why it I was ok in this situation as you or your sister could have done at the time and reassure her that she should always feel able to speak up when she sees or experiences an adult doing something that she has been told is wrong or worries her.

My sister is always trying to get information out of my DN about her ex husband and his gf. I tell her not to put that pressure on the child. But she still does it.

The mother will be behind that. Grey rock her and just say have you nothing else to do. She asks a question just shrug.

Hi , yes i did discuss it with him ,not once did i speak ill of her mother , or interfere in the relationship between sd and my husband , we never let her down and there would have been stability in a life with us if she had wanted it.
My husband became aware that his daughter was a clone of her not very nice mother and despite his love for her he was under no illusion , she is not very trustworthy.
Sadly i think that its quite a superficial relationship now.

Telling a child not to question drunk driving adults because it’s rude is a terrible lesson. If I had a drink and someone asked if I was ok to drive I’d not be embarrassed I’d be happy to explain I’d just had the one or whatever.

One day she might be at a mates house and need a lift home, pointing out that someone isn’t safe to drive could save her life.

if you don’t want her to ask follow up questions on topics don’t talk about them in her vicinity . She is learning how to make conversation with adults it’s part of growing up.

I really don't find it bad for an 11 year old- it's a learning moment for you to explain to her 'it's ok if someone drives a couple of hours after just one drink as the alcohol has has d enough time to leave the persons blood. ' she might not know this .

If you think she's always extremely inappropriate though perhaps think about autism

I agree

Yep my step son does it. Then goes back to his mum and tells her stuff. Does my head in.

My dads partner use to accuse me of this. The whole watching and listening and generally making her feel uncomfortable to talk in her own house.
BUT the funny thing was they use to have these conversations in front of me so of course i was going to pick up on them and make comment's because i was a young child ffs and didn't know any better😆

My DD is 8 and is exactly the same. My front room is open plan so if I'm on the phone downstairs she will sit at the top of the stairs and listen to my conversations then casually bring things up at a later date 🤦‍♀️

OMG, yes. DSS reports on anything we say. I said one thing recently to DH about DSD and suddenly it’s being thrown back in my face. It wasn’t even nasty, it was a factual thing regarding housing. However, DSD is very sensitive about the fact she’s been waiting a while for a council house. I literally said ‘I wonder when xx will hear from the council. She and xx seem to have been waiting ages’. I thought nothing more of it until weeks later when DSD was screaming in my face, calling me a ‘bitch’ for talking about her aka showing concern 🙄

We’re now making a concerted effort to make absolutely no mention of DSS’s family when he’s with us. We’re not getting drawn into any conversations, even if he asks because we suspect that anything he says is pounced upon and twisted when he gets home.