Page 2 | Do you ever feel watched/listened to in your own home by DSC?

spookymooky1 · 2023-10-01T14:17:11+00:00

My DSD is 11 and has always since I've been in her life (5 years) listened to adult conversations, I don't know if this is normal but she takes a lot of pride in knowing exactly what's going on with our relationship and within the house in general and it's often made me self edit when she's here (40% of the time) For example I might mention to my DH I need to book our dog in for a teeth clean and she'll ask the next time if rufus has had his teeth done, sounds innocent enough and maybe it is but when its frequent comments all through the day it does become wearing. I must also point out these often arnt family conversations, she over hears us talking whilst we cook dinner or load the dishwasher and she sits listening. We were at a family party last weekend and my sister had a drink earlier to toast the occasion, small glass of fizz, when my sister got up to leave (bearing in mind this was around 3 hours later) dsd asked "are you driving? Just I saw you had a drink" tbh I didn't think much about it as I'm so used to these sorts of comments all the time but my sister was appalled and completely embarrassed in front of everyone, I do remember the room went quiet and I laughed it off by saying something like, are you the police?? DH said nothing Anyway since my sister has pointed this out I do wonder if she should be called out on listening to grown up conversations and passing what feels very much like judgement?

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

LorW · 01/10/2023 17:41

My SS has started doing this, will creep around and stand outside doors to listen in, we can’t really do or say anything adult when he’s here, even if we for example come upstairs to talk about something he will creep up and stand outside the door listening, he roots around drawers and cupboards, so bloody nosey 😂 stuff does get reported back to his mum so we both watch what we say very carefully.

SeulementUneFois · 01/10/2023 17:47

tsmainsqueeze · 01/10/2023 15:35

I can relate ,my sd was similar ,shes a mother herself now and lives a good distance away now so it no longer affects me.
I know her mother had a lot of influence on her behaviour but i found myself holding back in her company and not giving any of my true self away , i never discussed anything personal or financial or suchlike with her father -my husband while she was around.

Similar to this OP, their mum wants to know everything (although DP never asks anything about her). So I make sure to not say anything personal (be it plans, re my family, job, finance, holidays etc. etc.) within hearing range of the DP's children.

Guiltyfeethavegotnorhythm0 · 01/10/2023 18:27

Little people are always earwigging 👂🏻 adult conversations , I used to frequently stumble upon our son sitting on the bottom stairs listening when he was meant to be in bed .

SemperIdem · 01/10/2023 18:48

I think it’s an age thing, though some kids are more subtle about it than others!

Octobermeterreadtime · 01/10/2023 18:53

Primed to do it by her dm?

Original poster

spookymooky1 · 01/10/2023 18:55

Yes I think primed by her mum, we rehabilitate retired racehorses fans sell them, kind of as a hobby but it does help pay for my own horses and she's always asking how much they sold for! Should I stop telling her? It's hard not to when she asks such a direct question

OP posts:

SemperIdem · 01/10/2023 19:00

spookymooky1 · 01/10/2023 18:55

Yes I think primed by her mum, we rehabilitate retired racehorses fans sell them, kind of as a hobby but it does help pay for my own horses and she's always asking how much they sold for! Should I stop telling her? It's hard not to when she asks such a direct question

I would just say “they sold for what I expected” and if pushed “you don’t need to worry about grown ups finances, some people might think you are being rude for asking questions like that”.

Mistressanne · 01/10/2023 19:02

My dc and partners don't drink and drive at all.
My age group, 60's, are the worst.
I think your sd is correct about drinking and driving.

aSofaNearYou · 01/10/2023 19:27

I can see how this could be annoying in a lot of circumstance but I feel like your sister was being oversensitive if she was appalled and embarrassed. If that had happened in my family, everyone would have laughed, nobody would have felt embarrassed, the focus would have been on it being funny that a child had said that. Perhaps it's best not to mix your DSD much with your family if your family are easily offended by kids coming out with stuff?

SlipSlidinAway · 01/10/2023 19:41

aSofaNearYou · 01/10/2023 19:27

I can see how this could be annoying in a lot of circumstance but I feel like your sister was being oversensitive if she was appalled and embarrassed. If that had happened in my family, everyone would have laughed, nobody would have felt embarrassed, the focus would have been on it being funny that a child had said that. Perhaps it's best not to mix your DSD much with your family if your family are easily offended by kids coming out with stuff?

Exactly!

SlipSlidinAway · 01/10/2023 19:47

spookymooky1 · 01/10/2023 18:55

Yes I think primed by her mum, we rehabilitate retired racehorses fans sell them, kind of as a hobby but it does help pay for my own horses and she's always asking how much they sold for! Should I stop telling her? It's hard not to when she asks such a direct question

Well we've never withheld information from our dcs as they were growing up when they asked questions about how much we earn, what our house is worth etc. No need for it to be a secret with your own dcs but I understand the concern if information is being fed back to an ex.

But honestly, I do think it's healthy for children to feel able to question and challenge adults if they feel the adult is behaving inappropriately. A child able to do that is a child able to stand up to a potential abuser.

Darkmode2 · 01/10/2023 19:52

I think your sister was being a bit over sensitive about the driving comment. I would have found that funny

winterchills · 01/10/2023 20:14

My niece does this and it is infuriating!! So completely understand how your feeling!

yogasaurus · 01/10/2023 20:19

DSC used to do this, it was all fed back to their DM who would text DH within 5/10 mins of dropping them off with comments of what we’ve been up to.

Learned to not say anything round them. ‘Oh I’m not sure..’[break off and stare out the window], was my stock response for years.

I think it comes from insecurity but it’s so irritating

BoohooWoohoo · 01/10/2023 20:32

In the case of your sister - are you sure that sd knows that a drink hours ago is fine? My kids picked up on don't drink and drive but I remember my dd misunderstanding and thinking that drivers shouldn't drink anything even water. She was relieved that it only applied to alcohol.
It would be reasonable to tell her that it's ok to ask questions like is your sis safe to drive but to ask you or her dad in private rather than embarrass people.

As for the teeth brushing - it's not unreasonable to ask about things overheard. Some kids are more interested in details and have the sort of brain that remembers details like that. There's no choice but to say NOYB or avoid talking about stuff like that.

AnneElliott · 01/10/2023 20:38

I don't have and step kids but I have a friend where her eldest son literally joins in conversations where we are speaking about stuff that's nothing to do with him. Drives me mad as my DS doesn't do this (they are a similar age).

I pointedly either ignore him or stare and wait for him to move away. But he still then does jt then next time! Can you not tell your step child that this is an adult conversation?

BlueyInsideVoice · 01/10/2023 20:39

I agree with @ZenNudist

She has seen that your sister had a drink, and then got up to drive. Kids know that drinking and driving is dangerous and illegal, so she questioned if that was okay. She's not to know how much alcohol puts someone over the limit, or why one glass is okay. All she knows is that drinking and driving is against the law.
Was it the correct moment? Probably not. It's definitely not a point that you want to bollock her over though - you want her questioning if the adults (or teenagers as she gets older) around her have had a drink before getting in the car.

Why was your sister so embarrassed about it? She could've quite easily took the adult approach about it and said 'It's okay for me to drive as I've only had one, and that was a while ago now.' Simple.

About the first point, as PP's have said, if you and DP are chatting while she's there what do you expect her to do? Shove her fingers in her ears? If, as you say, you're just chatting about mundane stuff is it really such a big deal if she does listen? It may be that she feels a bit left out, or knowing what you and her dad are talking about helps her to feel more secure, or that she's actually interested, or that she's just nosey. All normal kid behaviours.

HerMammy · 01/10/2023 20:39

Lol my youngest was like this she used to listen at doors and everything. It's just nosiness.
And the DSS rooting in drawers, none of these are acceptable, it's rude and disrespectful and it should be pointed out to them. Definitely not Lol

BlueyInsideVoice · 01/10/2023 20:45

AnneElliott · 01/10/2023 20:38

I don't have and step kids but I have a friend where her eldest son literally joins in conversations where we are speaking about stuff that's nothing to do with him. Drives me mad as my DS doesn't do this (they are a similar age).

I pointedly either ignore him or stare and wait for him to move away. But he still then does jt then next time! Can you not tell your step child that this is an adult conversation?

He attempts to engage in conversation with you and you either ignore him, or 'stare pointedly' until he feels uncomfortable enough to give up?

You're coming off worse than him there.

QuickDraining · 01/10/2023 20:47

Kids like rules and boundaries, and really don't get grey areas. So if they have heard an adult rant about it being totally unacceptable to drink and drive. Then later sees someone apparently defy that rule, it is no wonder that a kid might tie themselves in knots trying to get their head around the hypocrisy of the situation. I remember it certainly hurting my head.

sprigatito · 01/10/2023 20:48

aSofaNearYou · 01/10/2023 19:27

I can see how this could be annoying in a lot of circumstance but I feel like your sister was being oversensitive if she was appalled and embarrassed. If that had happened in my family, everyone would have laughed, nobody would have felt embarrassed, the focus would have been on it being funny that a child had said that. Perhaps it's best not to mix your DSD much with your family if your family are easily offended by kids coming out with stuff?

Common sense. Most unfashionable 😂

Namerequired · 01/10/2023 21:11

spookymooky1 · 01/10/2023 18:55

Yes I think primed by her mum, we rehabilitate retired racehorses fans sell them, kind of as a hobby but it does help pay for my own horses and she's always asking how much they sold for! Should I stop telling her? It's hard not to when she asks such a direct question

Why is it difficult? It’s a parents job to tell her it’s rude to ask grown ups questions like that and those she said to your sister.
There are some children that are just like this, personally I would find it really annoying

AnneElliott · 02/10/2023 08:32

No he doesn't attempt to engage me in conversation @BlueyInsideVoice. He stands next to me while I'm speaking to another adult and then talks over me (or his mum) to give his opinion on the matter in question. One example was butting in and telling me I'm wrong when I was explaining how the hospice was treating my dying father with cancer. But of course I should probably defer to a 15 year old on that and graciously accept his 'informed' input!

Terribly rude from anyone - and I do wonder at parents who allow it. Certainly my DS was raised to understand that he doesn't interrupt adult conversations that are nothing to do with him.

WHALESURPRISE · 02/10/2023 08:58

SlipSlidinAway · 01/10/2023 16:05

Not sure I understand the comment about the drink or why your sister was appalled. In her shoes I'd have probably pointed out kindly that I was okay because the alcohol from one small drink a few hours earlier would have left my system by now. I'd probably also have congratulated her on her sensible approach to drink driving. I wouldn't want to cultivate an environment where children aren't allowed to question adult behaviour: Presumably she'll learn to do this more tactfully and diplomatically as she gets older.

I also find you have to regulate what you say around children full stop and don't think it's that unusual to listen in to conversations if they're taking place near you.

I agree with this. I don't see why it was so shocking. Kids are bombarded with messages like this so it's not surprising they repeat them to adults who appear to be disobeying!. I can remember kids my age telling their parents off for smoking, or not practising proper firework safety!

justanothernamechangemonday · 02/10/2023 08:59

It's nosiness and natural. Incidentally, is your home not her home too?