Do you ever feel watched/listened to in your own home by DSC?

[spookymooky1]

My DSD is 11 and has always since I've been in her life (5 years) listened to adult conversations, I don't know if this is normal but she takes a lot of pride in knowing exactly what's going on with our relationship and within the house in general and it's often made me self edit when she's here (40% of the time)
For example I might mention to my DH I need to book our dog in for a teeth clean and she'll ask the next time if rufus has had his teeth done, sounds innocent enough and maybe it is but when its frequent comments all through the day it does become wearing. I must also point out these often arnt family conversations, she over hears us talking whilst we cook dinner or load the dishwasher and she sits listening.
We were at a family party last weekend and my sister had a drink earlier to toast the occasion, small glass of fizz, when my sister got up to leave (bearing in mind this was around 3 hours later) dsd asked "are you driving? Just I saw you had a drink" tbh I didn't think much about it as I'm so used to these sorts of comments all the time but my sister was appalled and completely embarrassed in front of everyone, I do remember the room went quiet and I laughed it off by saying something like, are you the police?? DH said nothing
Anyway since my sister has pointed this out I do wonder if she should be called out on listening to grown up conversations and passing what feels very much like judgement?

A lot of adults discuss stuff in front of very small children thinking it goes over their heads . It doesn't. I can remember listening in to adult conversations when I was a pre schooler. I used to sit there colouring or watching tv but I was really soaking everything up the adults were saying .

I don’t think it’s particularly a stepchild thing- we are a blended family and all our kids do this! The worst thing is when one of them half hears something and then tells the others some completely garbled version!

My DD in particular will ask ‘what are you talking about?’ to a very mundane conversation like having the dishwasher fixed, then halfway through the explanation will wander off or change the subject entirely… it’s just kids being kids and trying to be involved in the things that affect their lives.

DD has also mentioned the driving after having one glass of wine thing- as someone else said, they have that idea of don’t drink and drive fixed in their head, which is a good thing! It’s not being rude, it’s how they learn about the world.

I think there comes a point where you can't expect children to only be only participating in conversations when they are directly spoken to. And they will also go through a phase of figuring out what is and isn't appropriate to say.

And I really sympathise with finding it hard - I struggle with this with my own eldest child, it gets wearing not having much opportunity for private conversation or having to deal with their questions and sometimes judgement.

But I also think it's part of parenting children in the 7-13ish age range and that your family sound a bit easily "appalled" by a tweenager making a slightly over the line comment. I also actually don't think it's wrong to call out drink driving - though your sister was well under the limit so it was over the top this time - and I do do as an adult.

My DS was extremely judgy about alcohol at that age and I wouldn't expect her to know the absorption rate of alcohol etc so I think you are both overreacting on that one. Kids often have this stuff drummed into them at school and can get quite opinionated on topics.
My DS also listened in a lot to adult conversations and was quite open about commenting on things as a result. He has grown out of it now ! Far.more interested in his phone haha !

In terms of the asking about money thing, I think you are projecting your insecurities about SD’s mum there… again, at that age it’s completely normal to start to be interested in how much things cost, but they haven’t yet learned the social ‘norms’ about talking about money. Our DC have asked directly what we earn, how much our house cost, etc if they hear us talking about money, or if we say we can’t do something because it’s expensive. It’s all a learning curve.

Was your sister drinking and driving?
You seem very defensive that the child quite correctly called her out on it.
Of course she listens to conversations in her own home.

Honestly, I have a admiration for an 11 year old that questioned an adult drinking and driving. A pity the adults there didn't also. Stats show any alcohol can impact in our reflexes.

She spends a lot of her time following rules, she saw a questionable decision - we raise children these days to call them out - I am surprised you are surprised? It is an attribute that will stand her good stead in the teen years.

The Step child element in my opinion doesn't come into it. You do sound defensive of your sister's behaviour. I enjoy a drink but would never imagine getting behind the wheel after any alcohol.

Concur with the majority here, blended families/ SDC can come with a host of issues but this is just standard kid stuff! Do you have your own DC OP? DD and DSS are also both 11 and both have ears like the BFG and earwig like crazy whenever they can, nosy as hell the pair of them 😂 DSS def worse for it, to the point that I’ve made up a little theme song for him about having conversational FOMO which I sing to him whenever he’s trying to nose into conversations that don’t concern him 🤣 but they’re both terrible for it! It’s just a normal kid thing, either include her if appropriate and you want to or tell her it’s none of her business and to stop listening in - but don’t pathologise it, it’s def totally normal 🤷‍♀️

This.

I think it's a bright comment for her age. She's a kid and learning how to navigate her way in the world. Perfectly normal.

Of course you don’t need to tell her. Ask why she wants to know and then tell her it’s private information.

she needs to be taught about boundaries.

you need to have a conversation with DH

She sounds great.

Of course she's going to pick up on your conversations and if you are having them in front of her then how is she supposed to know if they are "adult conversations" and not just "conversations". So many people on this thread harking back to "children should be seen and not heard" days. Nowadays, children are used to being included in conversations. And quite rightly.

Questioning an adult on drinking and driving was also a sensible and cool thing to be able to do in front of a bunch of grown ups. There was absolutely no need to respond by taking the piss and shaming her. You could have kindly pointed out what the limit is for drinking alcohol and driving and then later, privately, explained to her that sometimes it's better not to comment in front of everyone because it could have embarrassed your sister, but your really glad she knows the dangers of drinking and driving. You seem really pissed off that she embarrassed your sister (a grown up) but then are totally fine with embarrassing her (a child).

Having said all of this, her dad should be having a more general conversation about social etiquette. He could kindly explain to her that asking people about how much money they make is sometimes seen as a bit rude.

I think as others have said a lot of kids are very literal and to the book with things and when she commented on your sister having a drink, it was probably a good moment to just talk about responsible drinking in general and having one small glass and then food/letting some time pass is sometimes ok.

I understand the feeling around 'being watched/listened to' and I do think it's something a lot of kids do generally and it's just how they learn. I think sometimes when kids are going between different homes it can feel like they've been primed to do it..in some cases I think that is true...but not always. I used to be careful what I talked about in front of my SD but it has got better recently as she is more interested in chatting to and playing with her friends than scrutinising what I'm doing all the time. 😃 Think she has realised we are pretty boring!

I probably wouldn't bring it up with my husband if it were me as too much time as passed and honestly, I do think everyone was a little bit oversensitive, given that she is only 11 and probably was just a genuine question. Maybe if similar happens again or if it comes up naturally, you could mention it.

I'm surprised how many people believe that kids shouldn't try to immersive themselves in conversations that don't involve them yet would be annoyed if 2 people were speaking in a language that they didn't understand or would be annoyed when a conversation changed when they enter a room.
It's rather strange that an adult couldn't explain that driving after a drunk a few hours ago isn't drink driving so she knows for future reference rather than assume she's being annoying. Hopefully this is a good sign that when she's driving age, she won't drink and drive.

I don't think it's a stepchildren thing, I think it's just a child thing in general. Bloody annoying though.

Although when me and DH first moved in, my DSD used to spy on us constantly. She'd even sneak out of bed and sit outside our bedroom door.

She admitted later in life that she was listening because she was sure we were talking badly about her. That changed everything. I thought she was being nosy and annoying until I realised her insecurity was eating her up.

Luckily that has stopped now. But all 3 of my children, step and not step, listen in to what we are saying. I think it's natural and their way of being involved. Just pick times to chat about private stuff when you're alone.

Alternatively, invite them to join in with mundane conversations about adult admin and they'll probably soon tune out with boredom.

We stopped talking about most things in front of his kids. The wedding especially as that was all getting fed back and used against us. None of the kids know where we are going on honeymoon as it’s just not worth the stress and drama which will inevitably follow.

the youngest is very quiet but 100% plays a brilliant game of listening and using the information as a weapon. The oldest never leaves us alone and I find that infuriating when my friends are here and I have to be careful what I say and what we talk about. They are both super intrusive.

I also had to ban filming TikTok etc as it’s so intrusive on my privacy and my home should be private.

@ASCCM could have written this post word-for-word. Not to mention the FaceTime house tours when they were with us, for the DM, which we could hear her asking for.

Yep, we had this for years and still do to an extent. Listening in all the time, asking very nosy and intrusive questions - all so they could report back. Oh and there was the taking photographs of our calendar so their mum could message asking us to have them when she knew I was off work or when we had plans as a couple. It was only when I found eldest SD taking photos of our calendar and asked what she was doing
to be told “Mummy says she has a right to know what you and Daddy are doing when
we’re not here”. DH and I moved to an electronic calendar after that. 🙄🙄🙄🙄

yes , those drove me nuts for the first few weeks!!

she won’t actually come to the house though … because I live here obviously … I’m ‘living her life she was supposed to have’

Which is interesting it itself as , well, most of this house is owned by me and I fund my own life ( and most of his!) sooooooooo 🤣

( I’m so glad I’m not alone!)

Photos of your calendar????? GOOD GOD!

Invasive I know. But is it really so surprising for a parent to want to see where their young dcs are staying? Mine are all adults and I always get a video tour of any new accommodation!

@SlipSlidinAway adults showing you their holiday accommodation is massively different to an ex sneakily asking kids for a house tour of the other parents house.

In my case, She’s been invited multiple times, what I’m not ok with is the behind my back snooping.

Want to see the house , come over and face me, don’t try and nose backhanded. Not cool.

Who mentioned holiday accommodation?

Wherever they are, it’s not the same.