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Original poster

Do you ever feel watched/listened to in your own home by DSC?

102 replies

spookymooky1 · 01/10/2023 15:17

My DSD is 11 and has always since I've been in her life (5 years) listened to adult conversations, I don't know if this is normal but she takes a lot of pride in knowing exactly what's going on with our relationship and within the house in general and it's often made me self edit when she's here (40% of the time)
For example I might mention to my DH I need to book our dog in for a teeth clean and she'll ask the next time if rufus has had his teeth done, sounds innocent enough and maybe it is but when its frequent comments all through the day it does become wearing. I must also point out these often arnt family conversations, she over hears us talking whilst we cook dinner or load the dishwasher and she sits listening.
We were at a family party last weekend and my sister had a drink earlier to toast the occasion, small glass of fizz, when my sister got up to leave (bearing in mind this was around 3 hours later) dsd asked "are you driving? Just I saw you had a drink" tbh I didn't think much about it as I'm so used to these sorts of comments all the time but my sister was appalled and completely embarrassed in front of everyone, I do remember the room went quiet and I laughed it off by saying something like, are you the police?? DH said nothing
Anyway since my sister has pointed this out I do wonder if she should be called out on listening to grown up conversations and passing what feels very much like judgement?

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Original poster
spookymooky1 · 01/10/2023 15:17

Oh I'll also add she's got a full sister who never seems to care too much about how we conduct our lives

OP posts:
tsmainsqueeze · 01/10/2023 15:35

I can relate ,my sd was similar ,shes a mother herself now and lives a good distance away now so it no longer affects me.
I know her mother had a lot of influence on her behaviour but i found myself holding back in her company and not giving any of my true self away , i never discussed anything personal or financial or suchlike with her father -my husband while she was around.

Original poster
spookymooky1 · 01/10/2023 15:38

@tsmainsqueeze did you ever discuss it with your DH? I'm not sure if I should bring up how my sister felt as an example or if it would cause family resentment

OP posts:
tescocreditcard · 01/10/2023 15:41

Lol my youngest was like this she used to listen at doors and everything. It's just nosiness. When I asked her why she did it she just laughed and said the adults know everything and nobody tells her anything.

dayofcheese · 01/10/2023 15:43

I had to tell my DH to not talk money around them. It was causing issues as mum was very interested in my salary once she realised I was a fairly high earner.

Whereareallthejellyfish · 01/10/2023 15:44

Yep I have this too. DSD always listens and if she doesn't hear (something that wasn't aimed at her anyway) says "what's that? What's happening?"

Massively influenced by her Mum, her Mum used to ask DSS to report back about what my DH was up to, who he was with etc (prior to us getting together). DSD was only young and it caused him all sorts of emotional problems. So I imagine it's now moved on to DSD!

I ensure conversations I wouldn't want overheard are held well out of earshot now 😊

JassyRadlett · 01/10/2023 15:46

I feel like there are two different areas of behaviour here:

In your first example, she's a kid living in a family home, hearing what you say. That's normal. When you have kids, you assume that they will listen to any conversation you have within their earshot. If you want to have a private conversation you need to go somewhere the kids can't overhear it. Otherwise it's fair game for kids to pick up and ask about. As you've found, some will and some won't, but families and family life are their primary way of learning about the world. They're not smart speakers, they don't only switch on when you speak directly to them.

The incident with your sister was totally unacceptable. Listening is fine, policing and questioning the behaviour of an adult who is not her parent is not. It wasn't the listening or participating in the conversation that was rude, it was that she crossed a clear boundary of what's appropriate to say and what isn't. Either of mine would have had a very thorough telling off for such rudeness.

Queucumber · 01/10/2023 15:47

Exactly what JassyRadlett said.

Original poster
spookymooky1 · 01/10/2023 15:50

@JassyRadlett totally understand what you are saying, this was a whole week ago, should I bring it up to DH, how should I word it if so?

OP posts:
Coffeaddict · 01/10/2023 15:51

DSS was similar up untill about a year ago. Always wanted to view himself as an adult but in our case had to be a part of every conversation. Even mundane things like what time is the car due in the garage? He would find a way to be involved. In our case alot of it comes from insecurity. There were alot of problems in mums house and he craved constant attention. Luckily he has calmed down alot ( things are much better at mums) and he has stopped doing it. He's 11, I wonder if the behaviour is routed in that. However even understanding the reason you can still help her in terms of addressing and discussing social norms. What is and isn't acceptable to say to people and why comments that she doesn't fully understand can come across as offensive or are inappropriate

TeenDivided · 01/10/2023 15:52

I'm wondering if there could also be an attachment/insecurity thing too?
Adults deciding the lives of children from disrupted homes could make the children overly watchful?
My eldest was often hypervigilant both at school and home when growing up (adopted).

JassyRadlett · 01/10/2023 15:53

Can you say your sister raised it with you, and while you laughed it off at the time to try to cover up the embarrassment you're a bit worried that DSD doesn't know that it wasn't an appropriate thing to say, and might need a chat about intrusive comments?

tescocreditcard · 01/10/2023 15:56

I think it's too late to say anything now. There will be other times though so I'd get straight on it if it happens again.

JassyRadlett · 01/10/2023 15:56

If it's any consolation I often have to explain to my 11yo why some things are considered cheeky/talking back/inappropriate and he honestly can't understand where the line is sometimes, or why it is where it is. It can be a slog but it's part of helping them to grow up. For some kids it comes a lot more easily than to others. I've got one of each!

Flopsythebunny · 01/10/2023 16:01

What is she supposed to do if she's sat in the same room as you? If you don't want hero know about something, don't talk about it in front of her

sprigatito · 01/10/2023 16:05

Yes, earwigging is completely normal, though irritating. They're learning about adult life and rehearsing it, it's what children are supposed to do.

SlipSlidinAway · 01/10/2023 16:05

Not sure I understand the comment about the drink or why your sister was appalled. In her shoes I'd have probably pointed out kindly that I was okay because the alcohol from one small drink a few hours earlier would have left my system by now. I'd probably also have congratulated her on her sensible approach to drink driving. I wouldn't want to cultivate an environment where children aren't allowed to question adult behaviour: Presumably she'll learn to do this more tactfully and diplomatically as she gets older.

I also find you have to regulate what you say around children full stop and don't think it's that unusual to listen in to conversations if they're taking place near you.

Original poster
spookymooky1 · 01/10/2023 16:06

It's not so much she listens it's the comments she makes about her observations, case in point, my sister. Kind of comment I'd brush off but is maybe not acceptable

OP posts:
Fireisland · 01/10/2023 16:06

Flopsythebunny · 01/10/2023 16:01

What is she supposed to do if she's sat in the same room as you? If you don't want hero know about something, don't talk about it in front of her

This, she is behaving perfectly normally in the family home

ZenNudist · 01/10/2023 16:11

I think you are being harsh and oversensitive. Can you celebrate that she is mature and bright for her age?

JassyRadlett · 01/10/2023 16:14

I think the comment she asked your sister would have been fine if she'd asked it at home. She's trying to understand the world, questions help her to understand what's ok and what's not.

So in your example - asking the question of your sister came across as rude and trying to police the behaviour of your sister. Not appropriate. But she could have navigated it better by asking you or your husband privately later - I saw Jane had a drink and then later on she drove, I thought that wasn't ok? And then it can be explained to her.

Time and place doesn't come naturally to all/most kids. We need to help them learn it.

Original poster
spookymooky1 · 01/10/2023 16:15

@ZenNudist but the thing is it wasn't a bright comment. It would be bright if her to realise it was a tiny glass and hours ago.

OP posts:
SlipSlidinAway · 01/10/2023 16:25

spookymooky1 · 01/10/2023 16:15

@ZenNudist but the thing is it wasn't a bright comment. It would be bright if her to realise it was a tiny glass and hours ago.

Well unless she was closely monitoring your sister's alcohol intake over several hours there is no way she would have known this. Presumably she saw your sister get up to leave - by car - and remembered she'd seen her drinking so asked the question. I doubt she'd kept a log of your sister's alcohol intake or would understand how many units of alcohol she had consumed but is aware that people shouldn't drink and drive.

Original poster
spookymooky1 · 01/10/2023 16:33

Point is I don't think it was a "bright" comment in any way whatsoever

OP posts:
sprigatito · 01/10/2023 17:30

spookymooky1 · 01/10/2023 16:33

Point is I don't think it was a "bright" comment in any way whatsoever

You seem decidedly irked that someone might think your dsd is bright Confused

The point people are making that for a child who is just learning about the adult world, making the connection between alcohol consumption and driving is a use of her intelligence and reasoning ability. It's age-appropriate. It's normal. It's not something you need to get steamed up about. It wouldn't be a very bright comment for an adult to make, but your stepdaughter isn't an adult.