Permission ? | Mumsnet

miserable247 · 2023-09-28T18:29:40+00:00

DH has sprung on me that DSD will be staying with us next week (DSDs mums days). AIBU to be frustrated that I wasn't asked beforehand. Tried to speak to DH about this and he's saying that he shouldn't have to ask for permission for DSD to stay over. - I pay for this house too it's not just his FFS!!! We have a shared DC meaning that I will be doing all bed times for our joint DC for 2 weeks in a row which is exhausting and any plans that I would've had to go out in the evening can't happen now.

WaitingfortheTardis · 28/09/2023 19:37

I do think a child should always be welcome in either of their parent's houses, I think that's part of the deal when marrying someone who already has children. I don't see why you need to do all bedtimes/stay in though, he is a father to several children and will need to manage some of the time.

Morechocmorechoc · 28/09/2023 19:39

The thought a child isn't welcome with one of their parents is awful. You're very wrong here. He should still be able to do all bed times when he needs to though.

Bagheerabaloo · 28/09/2023 19:39

To be honest I think you are being a bit unreasonable. I get it though, I'm a full time step-parent, but I don't think he should have to ask permission for his daughter to be in your home as it should be seen as her home too.

Owjrbvr · 28/09/2023 19:39

Yes it should be discussed; it’s not about permission but a discussion about how is it going to work and is that ok type thing.
Why can he not still help with bedtime for your I’m assuming younger joint DC? Can he not manage all the children for an evening either?

Freezingcoldinseptember · 28/09/2023 19:42

Of course you don't need to do all bedtimes... He can manage 2 dc. He managed to make 2 dc..

Original poster

miserable247 · 28/09/2023 19:43

Sorry I should've elaborated, DC always welcome but what's pissed me off is that DH known about this for months and I've only been told today, it is nice for him to say, Is it okay for you if we do XXX date, have you got plans? etc.

I don't have additional food in the house and I've already been told that I've spent too much on the shopping bill this month!! If I would've known before hand I would've batch cooked some more meals.

He can't cope doing both bedtimes , DSD needs all of the attention 24/7 so I do all childcare for joint DC when DSD is here.

OP posts:

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 28/09/2023 19:43

I would expect my partner to consult me yes- but I wouldn’t be able to say no as it is also DSC’s home too. However I would be having a chat to DP that as this is the non DSC week in theory he still has to do his share of bedtimes.

WaitingfortheTardis · 28/09/2023 19:46

@miserable247 In that case of course he should have told you sooner. He will have to cope, don't be a martyr to his inability to parent. If he couldn't cope he shouldn't have had more than one child. Book an evening out and go.

Freezingcoldinseptember · 28/09/2023 19:47

You need to regularly pop to the shop /see a friend /have a bath. He needs to manage 2 dc. Dsd needs to accept that he has 2 dc...

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/09/2023 19:49

He can't cope doing both bedtimes , DSD needs all of the attention 24/7

Absolute raging bullocks. Of course he can “cope”, he chooses not to. Pathetic.

aSofaNearYou · 28/09/2023 19:52

He can't cope doing both bedtimes , DSD needs all of the attention 24/7 so I do all childcare for joint DC when DSD is here.

With this in mind, absolutely YANBU. And this needs to change - there should be no reason he can't split his attention between two children, do his share of bedtimes, or that you shouldn't be able to go on a night out while DSD is there.

arethereanyleftatall · 28/09/2023 19:55

Your second post changes quite a lot of things op!

If he 'can't cope' with the children he chose to have, tough shit, he'll have to learn to cope.

If he can't cope, this isn't about asking permission for his child to stay, it's about asking you to take on extra work because he's too useless to do it.

I would go out exactly as you had planned to, before this news was sprung on you. Getting extra food in for his daughter is his responsibility and cost, not yours; you shouldn't even be allowing that head space.

I would up the amount you go out so that he learns to cope with his own children.

arethereanyleftatall · 28/09/2023 19:55

And. Don't have any more babies with this useless man, unless you fancy doing any more work all by yourself.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/09/2023 20:06

How old are the children?

thunderlump · 28/09/2023 20:09

I would expect to be spoken to first if there are proposed changes to the schedule.

Cowlover89 · 28/09/2023 20:33

Yanbu x

LemonLimeDivine · 28/09/2023 20:40

He shouldn’t have to ask permission but it is a matter of courtesy to let your partner know. And as a responsible father, he will be there to parent said child I should hope? Don’t allow yourself to be used as unpaid childcare.

MeridianB · 28/09/2023 20:49

arethereanyleftatall · 28/09/2023 19:55

Your second post changes quite a lot of things op!

If he 'can't cope' with the children he chose to have, tough shit, he'll have to learn to cope.

If he can't cope, this isn't about asking permission for his child to stay, it's about asking you to take on extra work because he's too useless to do it.

I would go out exactly as you had planned to, before this news was sprung on you. Getting extra food in for his daughter is his responsibility and cost, not yours; you shouldn't even be allowing that head space.

I would up the amount you go out so that he learns to cope with his own children.

Totally agree with this.

He should have discussed it first. But the real issue is failing to pull his weight.

Please step back more - and definitely leave him to shop and cook for this extra time.

Chunkychips23 · 28/09/2023 20:51

It’s your house and home as well. It’s not a case of asking permission, but being considerate and courteous.

I get the “it’s SD’s home too” yes, but it’s also OP’s.

Your DP needs to parent both his kids, it’s not on you to pick up his slack.

smallshinybutton · 28/09/2023 20:53

miserable247 · 28/09/2023 19:43

Sorry I should've elaborated, DC always welcome but what's pissed me off is that DH known about this for months and I've only been told today, it is nice for him to say, Is it okay for you if we do XXX date, have you got plans? etc.

I don't have additional food in the house and I've already been told that I've spent too much on the shopping bill this month!! If I would've known before hand I would've batch cooked some more meals.

He can't cope doing both bedtimes , DSD needs all of the attention 24/7 so I do all childcare for joint DC when DSD is here.

That needs to change. He needs to sort the food the time his dsd is here. He needs to juggle both bed times so he's doing your DC 50/50. He can't just ditch your shared child once the shiny first born visits.

smallshinybutton · 28/09/2023 20:55

Oh and I'd never expect DH to ask me if it's ok, but I would expect to be told with notice ideally if it was out the normal pattern.

Morechocmorechoc · 28/09/2023 21:38

Well the update makes it a little different, yes of course he should have told you straight away! He shouldn't ignore his other kids because his dd is there though.

CatMattress · 28/09/2023 21:44

What a shame he gave you so little notice. Its too late to cancel all your busy busy child free plans for next week now.

Inaquandrydoinglaundry · 28/09/2023 23:22

He definitely should have mentioned this in advance, especially for shopping and meals etc.

However, I do think that them being there shouldn't mean you suddenly have to take sole charge of your joint children. He still needs to do his bit for them, he doesn't just stop being their dad when DSC are there.

Babyghirl · 29/09/2023 04:39

@miserable247
This gets my back up, sometimes my dp will go out in a sat and rock back with dsk without telling me the plans, it's not the fact the kids are here he's the fact the lack of respect and communication he has for doing it, it's like the ex controls are weekends.

She has a habit of you owe me a weekend when dp is on his weekends in work, but never brings it up when we have them on her weekends.

As you say its your home aswell, is your dp going to be there to get dsc ready for school pick them up from school, be available for days if dsc is sick cause your busy, he will then infuture let you in on the plans.