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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Permission ?

36 replies

miserable247 · 28/09/2023 19:29

DH has sprung on me that DSD will be staying with us next week (DSDs mums days). AIBU to be frustrated that I wasn't asked beforehand.

Tried to speak to DH about this and he's saying that he shouldn't have to ask for permission for DSD to stay over. - I pay for this house too it's not just his FFS!!!

We have a shared DC meaning that I will be doing all bed times for our joint DC for 2 weeks in a row which is exhausting and any plans that I would've had to go out in the evening can't happen now.

OP posts:
FortheBeautyoftheEarth · 29/09/2023 08:51

I think DC should always be welcome, but I understand that it's not a nice feeling when something is 'sprung' on you that you didn't know about. I have a sc and to be fair my husband does tend to 'check if ok' with me, which I do appreciate as it shows he is thinking of me. I always feel embarrassed though when I hear him talking to her mum on the phone because he says....'I'll have a chat with FortheBeauty and let you know... as if somehow I'm the gatekeeper, but I would never actually say no!! I hope she knows that...

sunshinesummers · 29/09/2023 11:01

I don't expect to be asked permission to have the step kids extra days, although I definitely expect a conversation about it.

We actually had a massive argument about it this week - DH agreed to have the kids at short notice for an extra couple of days, without checking in with me or our shared calendar. One of the evenings we had plans to go out with my family who we haven't seen in 3 months, and instead of saying to ex 'sorry can't do that' he said yes Hmm.

Very long story he just didn't want to say no to her as he was worried about her reaction due to her being so volatile & vile to us recently, but he eventually said he messed up and couldn't do one of the nights and it was fine.

My point is, as much as kids can be welcomed in to the house on extra days, you two are a team and it needs to be discussed properly, you should definitely not be cancelling or changing your plans to accommodate changes to the schedule, your H needs to still do the bedtime for your shared DC.

SemperIdem · 29/09/2023 12:35

I’d expect a conversation about it.

I do think it is ridiculous that your dp can’t parent all his children. How old are they all?

Laurdo · 29/09/2023 13:09

It's not a matter of permission, it's just common courtesy to discuss things like this with you first.

If my DHs ex requests any extra days he will always check with me first that it doesn't impact any of our plans. Most of the time it's fine but if we had a date night planned or something then she would be told no.

A huge chunk of the issues on the board are kids always being put first regardless of the impact on anyone else. And it's not really the kids being put first it's the ex's wants being put ahead of yours.

Not much you can do about it now but don't let it impact your week. It's his child so any additional effort required needs to come from him.

If you had plans to go out before he agreed to have his DD for the week why can't you still do that? Why can't he manage bedtimes for all of his kids?

Laurdo · 29/09/2023 13:12

miserable247 · 28/09/2023 19:43

Sorry I should've elaborated, DC always welcome but what's pissed me off is that DH known about this for months and I've only been told today, it is nice for him to say, Is it okay for you if we do XXX date, have you got plans? etc.

I don't have additional food in the house and I've already been told that I've spent too much on the shopping bill this month!! If I would've known before hand I would've batch cooked some more meals.

He can't cope doing both bedtimes , DSD needs all of the attention 24/7 so I do all childcare for joint DC when DSD is here.

Well he needs to learn to cope with all his children. Go out as planned and leave him to it. It's the only way he's going to learn.

Pathetic that these men are happy to make the children but claim they can't look after them.

Namerequired · 29/09/2023 19:01

They are both his children, he has to cope with them. He can make this decision without you, but the other side of it is he can’t expect you to accommodate it or for it to affect you, especially as he didn’t even run it by you. Let him do the extra shopping, let him do the cooking, and let him parent both his children. Stick to your plans.

MissyPea · 30/09/2023 02:53

Laurdo · 29/09/2023 13:09

It's not a matter of permission, it's just common courtesy to discuss things like this with you first.

If my DHs ex requests any extra days he will always check with me first that it doesn't impact any of our plans. Most of the time it's fine but if we had a date night planned or something then she would be told no.

A huge chunk of the issues on the board are kids always being put first regardless of the impact on anyone else. And it's not really the kids being put first it's the ex's wants being put ahead of yours.

Not much you can do about it now but don't let it impact your week. It's his child so any additional effort required needs to come from him.

If you had plans to go out before he agreed to have his DD for the week why can't you still do that? Why can't he manage bedtimes for all of his kids?

This !!!

Lilyt14 · 30/09/2023 06:21

I don’t think your sc should need ‘permission’ to stay, although it’s frustrating that your DP didn’t mention it to you when he first knew. Especially as you suggest in your later post that he then can’t parent by himself.

Why can’t he parent both of his children by himself? Imagine a mum saying to her DP “sorry you’ll have to cancel your plans to go out because I can’t cope with all of my children by myself!”

Unless there’s something that you’ve not mentioned (ie one of the children with additional/ complex needs requiring one to one care) then carry on as normal. He’ll have to find a way to parent all of the children that he’s created without you there 100% of the time.

NightSku0 · 30/09/2023 08:13

My OH would never just bring dsd back without asking me if we have plans/what are we doing etc first.

But there’s no chance I wouldn’t go out on a evening. He would just have to deal with all the kids and it’s tough luck for him.

user1492757084 · 03/10/2023 07:41

It's happening, you can't change that.
Get DH to agree that it was poor to not inform you as early as he knew and get a committment from him that it is respectful to communicate in future. (It is in everyone's best interests that there is no ill will to have SD, thus, he needs to up his game.)
Have him cater for both children; you continue on with your plans.

Your husband needs to see actual ramifications of you not being informed and he needs to improve and be able to look after two kids on his own when need be.
He needs to shop for extra food too. Can he cook eggs? toasted sandwiches? Discuss in a constructive and helpful way about him coping with the situation so that it works out well.

Stepladdering · 03/10/2023 21:27

I think you should be consulted on parenting arrangements as you guys live together.
I was once constantly at the thin end of that particular wedge. Not so much changing days but being told DP and ex had agreed on eg a new weekend activity for SS that affects my weekend plans/ability for us to make plans together. I put my foot down finally and said I need a week’s notice or he can deal with arrangements being changed without me. It’s fine for EXW to ask him to do stuff with the kids but I exist too! I’d suggest that goes for bedtimes in your case. Maybe go along with it this one time so the child doesn’t risk feeling they’ve caused conflict and when they leave have a word about what happens next time.

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