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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Do I go against my better judgement or stick to my guns..

53 replies

bellsandwhistles333 · 07/09/2023 22:14

So my SS 16 (17 next March if that matters) had got his first girlfriend 2 months ago. He's very loved up and me and his dad have been really excited for him gave him money for date ms etc and asked lots of questions we are lucky he's mostly open and happily to talk.
She's been over to our house about 4/5 times and stayed the whole day Saturdays, had tea etc and we've played a few games aa a family here. Overall we like her and are letting it happily play out from a distance.
Now 3 weeks away his mum and stepdad and the girlfriends mum decided they could both sleep over together at both houses pretty much whenever, so of course they have been attached at the hip since.

Issue is I've been very open I don't think staying overnight is something that should be happening yet... not it's not all about sex I know you don't have to be in a bed at night to do that but it's more I just feel it's a lot at 16 to be with someone this intensely. Dad and I both drive and are happy to take her home late ish so 11/12 max but I feel it's coming to a head where he will not stay as much because if this... his dad will allow the staying but is backing me as I really don't want it.

Opinions please? What would you guys do / suggest? Just for info SS Is lovely and understands and hasn't demanded anything but odd things have been said and I can see it coming

OP posts:
Bichonmum · 08/09/2023 07:22

Asyousayit · 08/09/2023 00:14

I would be a bit old fashioned and say yes she can sleep over one night a week but in separate beds.

I agree with this. I'd let them sleep over but not in the same bed or even bedroom.

Hereforsummer · 08/09/2023 07:23

Are you able to express why it is you don't agree with it? I know you say it is intense, but if she is taken home, for the part of the night, where likely they would be asleep anyway, I don't really see how that makes much difference? Is it just that it was not how you did things in your family and therefore regular sleepovers being forbidden is your "normal" or is there an actual concrete reason you disagree?

SleeplessinSeattle53 · 08/09/2023 07:24

God no, it's way too soon. My DD didn't have a BF stay over until she was 19.

MagpiePi · 08/09/2023 07:27

If they are having sex already then they won’t be doing it just at night if they are in a bed together, so making them sleep in separate beds seems a bit pointless.
I’d be more bothered about having an extra person about the house so often, and that they will be staying awake chatting, which I wouldn’t want on school nights.

BuddhaAtSea · 08/09/2023 07:30

I said no at 16, her dad said yes (ExH) so she spent a lot of time at his with the boyfriend. They would still come round to mine’s for food, we’d have days out but I didn’t let them sleep at mine’s. Or allow him on holiday with us.
2-3 boyfriends later, I lifted the ban at 18, by then she was not interested in bringing anyone round my house, it became her space.

I’d say no, OP.

Batatahara · 08/09/2023 07:31

Hereforsummer · 08/09/2023 07:23

Are you able to express why it is you don't agree with it? I know you say it is intense, but if she is taken home, for the part of the night, where likely they would be asleep anyway, I don't really see how that makes much difference? Is it just that it was not how you did things in your family and therefore regular sleepovers being forbidden is your "normal" or is there an actual concrete reason you disagree?

I was going to ask the same question.

Of course it's your home and you should feel comfortable in it but I couldn't really understand what your actual reason for objecting was?

gogomoto · 08/09/2023 07:36

I let mine, I'd rather they were where I knew they were! Dd was 16 first time she asked and that boyfriend stayed in the spare room (but I heard footsteps so I know she was in there), was 17 when she met next one and 6 years on they are buying a house, he stayed in her room from the start.

fairyfluf · 08/09/2023 07:39

You don't have to do the same at your house just because mum is agreeing at their house.

How often does DSS come over? At this age I would expect him to pretty much have a choice so he might have naturally stopped coming round so much anyway.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 08/09/2023 07:47

My dd stayed over at her bf's house sometimes when she was 16. Always there and never at our house because he had a much bigger bed!

I would have been worried about too much intensity and each of them having their own space if it had been every night and if they had been living in each other's pockets, so I do understand where you're coming from OP, but in their case, it was typically only around once a week. Both of them maintained their own interests, hobbies, jobs etc, and both of them were very clear that they wanted time with their friends and their families as well. I was quite happy with the balance that they managed to strike. They're still together at 18 and they still don't usually stay together overnight more than around once a week, except when they have been away together on holiday etc.

For me, the issue wasn't really about sex (which teens will find a way of doing if they want to regardless of whether or not they stay over!) or overnight stays per se, but rather about whether they were giving themselves and each other enough space, and whether they each had sufficient time to maintain other relationships and interests. I wouldn't have been happy with something that was all-consuming at that age. Thankfully, both of them recognised themselves that that would be unhealthy!

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/09/2023 07:49

PrimalOwl10 · 07/09/2023 22:18

Its not really up to you what happens in peoples houses they are both legal.

It is up to her what happens in her own house!

aSofaNearYou · 08/09/2023 08:18

I wouldn't say no based on my opinion on whether it was good for him, but I would say no if I did not want to have a house guest.

fairyfluf · 08/09/2023 08:19

aSofaNearYou · 08/09/2023 08:18

I wouldn't say no based on my opinion on whether it was good for him, but I would say no if I did not want to have a house guest.

Seems fair

Beamur · 08/09/2023 08:28

How often does he stay with you?
Tbh I wouldn't be happy with the constant presence of a girlfriend/boyfriend in my house either. It's not really about whether they are sexually active but the infringement on time as a family (which gets more scarce as they get older too).
Perhaps a compromise? If he's there 2 nights she can stay for one?
I entirely agree that setting up a virtual weekend co-habitation is incredibly unhealthy at this age and far too intense.
Most of the teens I know don't do this. My own SS rarely had his gf over (and frankly it was awful when he did because they were uncomfortable to be around) but we did have a tacit understanding that she would be there if we were away and he was feeding the cats.

whathappenedtosummer23 · 08/09/2023 08:49

I am totally with you for all the reasons other people have stated. I won’t have sleepovers either at mine or at a boyfriend before they’ve left school and then it’s weekends only mainly because I don’t want other people staying in my house regularly

Laurdo · 08/09/2023 09:07

My DSS has had a girlfriend for about 6 months now and she's never said over. They've never asked, however DH and I wouldn't mind. They only see each other maybe once or twice a week so an overnight once a week wouldn't be a big deal.

How often are they seeing each other? Do they work or have school?

Ultimately it's your home and your choice. If they're spending every day together and start adding in sleepovers it could get a bit much. It's healthy to have some time apart.

awfullytricky · 08/09/2023 11:55

I had 7 dc & dsc who at one point were 21, 19, 19, 16, 14, 14 & 12. I and their dad/stepdad had no issue with girl friends /boyfriends staying over as long as they had taken contraceptive precautions and they were a minimum of 16.

It's a personal choice. I do not regard sex at that age as anything more than a new hobby .

The only thing I would say is that with her parents saying ok and your Ss mum also agreeing - they will move away from you and gravitate towards them. But that is your choice. Seems a bit harsh in your DH though as he doesn't seem to mind and it's his home too and more importantly his child. I would personally leave the decision with him in this case and take a step back.

Friendships / first love at this age is valued much higher than any family relationship. I would tread warily if you do not want to alienate.

SeptemberSuns · 08/09/2023 13:33

I had this situation. I don't call them step children, but my husband's son started around 16/17 wanting to bring gf's home. He was allowed at his mum's - her decision, her house. I allowed it in our home for the first 3 gfs (from memory), but felt my house was becoming a hotel for SS and his latest GF with a string of different girls staying in my home. It wasn't about sex, it was about the lack of privacy I had in my own home.

I was never allowed a say in what went on with husband's children and if I ever went against what he wanted all hell broke out. As a Disney dad he never said no.

I stuck to my ground on this and it very almost broke us up.

I totally agree with you OP and if you're unhappy with this in your own home please stand up for yourself. It was one battle I was prepared to die at.

MissyPea · 08/09/2023 21:39

PrimalOwl10 · 07/09/2023 22:18

Its not really up to you what happens in peoples houses they are both legal.

One of those houses is her own home, which IS her business.

Radiodread · 09/09/2023 22:01

Tricky one.

The sex angle I wouldn’t be fussed about, as long as they are safe and minimal risk of preganancy. It’s just what 17 year olds do.

On the other hand I wouldn’t want anyone who wasn’t family regularly staying at my home several nights a week, every week, for so many reasons.

And then again, if you disallow it whilst the SD’s mum and SD boyf mum allows it, then you are going to see much less of the SD for a bit!

I think I’d go for a limit, like 2 nights a week max or something, and your partner should definitely talk to your SD about intensity, personal space and presumably her studies? She won’t be spending adequate time on those if she is coupled up every night of the week.

Louoby · 10/09/2023 06:38

I won't be letting my step children have boyfriends or girlfriends stay over. It's unnecessary at 16 and any parents encouraging this are daft!

rookiemere · 10/09/2023 06:58

I can see your logic, but if your DH is ok with it then I agree with you you're pushing DSS away effectively.

I'd say she can stay once per week maximum because of the extra person thing.

I do tend to agree with you in principle- some friends of ours let their DS stay over with his GF when they were both 15, I was a bit horrified by that, even 16 seems so young, but DS hasn't got a serious GF so it's not something we've had to consider.

MuggleMe · 10/09/2023 07:25

Perhaps offer Saturday nights only?

rentreenothanks · 10/09/2023 07:35

I would be fine with weekend nights.

lapsedbookworm · 10/09/2023 07:45

Its not the sex side or the extra person in the house that would bother me but the intensity. It's really unhealthy. Friends who got into this kind of relationship that young generally really regretted it. Teens need space for things other than their relationship, they need to be encouraged to nurtured their other friendships and hobbies.

SIL was in a sort of mini marriage at this age and her parents wouldn't listen to me saying it was unhealthy and then seemed shocked when she totally fell apart when it ended. She'd lost touch with all her friends, lost any sense of who she was on her own

Rainbowqueeen · 10/09/2023 07:46

At their age for me it’s not about them having sex. It’s about learning about relationships. Being joined at the hip is not healthy They both need to be spending time with friends and family and creating balance in their lives.

You are also setting a precedent here for future girlfriends or casual hookups. My rules would be no staying over until relationship is of at least 6 months duration, you have met the girlfriend several times and she is respectful of your other house rules and I’d have a limit of how many nights she could stay (which would vary between term time and holidays).
Also any disrespectful behaviour and you can reassess.

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