Friend who is a step parent complains all the time

WhenyourgoneSOS · 2023-09-02T18:03:13+00:00

Just curious for other viewpoints as I can't tell if I'm being a harsh friend... My friend had an affair with a married man who has 2 children. Obvs completely blew apart the family and whilst I do not agree with her actions they are still together and have had another child... but she is always moaning about the amount of time they have the other kids who seem to want to hang out with their dad and her and new sibling (which considering the circumstances I think they are lucky the kids have accepted them together). Is this normal for a step parent to feel like this? She knew he had kids when she chose to be with him and actively try for their own child. I just want to say that to her when she is moaning that she should surely see it as a positive that the dad wants to have his kids 50/50 and wants to spend time with them. I'm just starting to see she is quite self centred in what she wants! Or maybe I'm just being harsh and should let her vent when with me?

jallopeno · 02/09/2023 19:05

Is she moaning that the kid is there or moaning that the kid is annoying?

Laurdo · 02/09/2023 19:30

What are her complaints exactly?

Original poster

WhenyourgoneSOS · 02/09/2023 19:49

-that the stepkids want to hang out with them on the weekends/evenings rather than be out with their friends. (I'm presuming it's coz they enjoy their dad company perhaps)

moaning when there is a BH weekend so they have them 1 extra day when she wants to be alone with partner instead..by the sounds of it the dad is happy with the plan shared with mum. But in my mind most parents don't get days off to themselves with kids.

-Older one comes back from uni on weekends and will continue with the arrangement of staying at their dads/mums.

just generally always criticising the kids tbh. I feel sorry for them. They have accepted her into their lives after how their dad treated their mum and she just moans all the time !

OP posts:

Totallyterrific · 02/09/2023 19:53

Shes being entirely unreasonable. I feel sorry for the kids.

Laurdo · 02/09/2023 20:03

Yeah she's a total asshole. So she's involved in breaking up a family and now wants to have him all to herself?

If he has his kids 50/50 then she gets 50% of the time just with him so she can shut the hell up. You're right, she's extremely lucky they even give her the time of day.

My stepkids mum had an affair with a married man for 1.5 years then he eventually left his family and moved in with her. His oldest daughter hasn't seen him since he left which was about 4 months ago and has completely disowned him and his younger 2 have now gone a few weeks of not seeing him because of his behaviour towards their mum. None of the kids even want to meet his new girlfriend and they all hate her.

I'd be asking myself if I wanted to remain friends with someone so selfish and with so few morals.

jallopeno · 02/09/2023 20:05

Yeah she's not cut out for stepmumming. And that's ok.

Gothambutnotahamster · 02/09/2023 20:39

She sounds like a truly horrible & selfish person. You absolutely should put her right as it might make her think twice & change her behaviours / attitude, which can only be a good thing for the step children!

BackToOklahoma · 02/09/2023 20:40

She sounds awful. Poor kids having her around as well as such a selfish prick as a father. I wouldn’t stay friends with someone with zero morals. I couldn’t be bothered listening to her whinge.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 02/09/2023 20:43

Sounds like she expected the usual every other weekend set up, if not even less due to the circumstances. Oh well...

MeridianB · 02/09/2023 20:50

She sounds vile!

Original poster

WhenyourgoneSOS · 02/09/2023 20:51

Yes that's what I'm starting to realise tbh!

OP posts:

RosaBaby2 · 02/09/2023 20:51

Your friend is a knob.

thunderlump · 02/09/2023 20:51

Everyone is entitled to their feelings. Step parenting is hard work sometimes and she's perfectly entitled to prefer time with just her DP. Bio parents moan about their kids all the time, why shouldn't a SP.

As long as it's just a moan/vent to a friend and she's not outwardly hostile to the kids then I don't see a problem.

MaryJanesonabreak · 02/09/2023 20:56

If it’s just recreational moaning, give her a set time ( you can tell her) and then you get to talk about other stuff.
Wether you still want to be friends is different consideration.

purplebluediscorain · 02/09/2023 20:56

I’m a partner of someone who’s got another older child. When we first met it was every Saturday and then the mum wanted every other weekend… so I suggested if it was every other weekend we do the Friday to Sunday. We then had our own child and I thank to god that it is every other weekend because there’s no set bed time for his eldest at the weekend etc. i would be disappointed and fuming if it was every weekend because I feel you need your own time as a couple once your child goes to bed and you also need to be able to get a sitter for your child and go and do something for yourselves. They spend quality time together on our weekend though so it’s not just the four of us solidly. It’s massively important that a couple gets their own time and time without children bio or not.

i have my own issues around certain things in my own situation but that’s with my partner not the child or how much he is with us.

User452023 · 02/09/2023 21:06

She had an affair with this man and although he's chosen her over his family she's even complaining when he sees his family. She wants him all to herself.

It really shows the mindset of some people. Totally selfish and self centered and getting upset that she is not the centre of attention.

I personally would not want her as a friend tbh

Laurdo · 02/09/2023 21:50

purplebluediscorain · 02/09/2023 20:56

I’m a partner of someone who’s got another older child. When we first met it was every Saturday and then the mum wanted every other weekend… so I suggested if it was every other weekend we do the Friday to Sunday. We then had our own child and I thank to god that it is every other weekend because there’s no set bed time for his eldest at the weekend etc. i would be disappointed and fuming if it was every weekend because I feel you need your own time as a couple once your child goes to bed and you also need to be able to get a sitter for your child and go and do something for yourselves. They spend quality time together on our weekend though so it’s not just the four of us solidly. It’s massively important that a couple gets their own time and time without children bio or not.

i have my own issues around certain things in my own situation but that’s with my partner not the child or how much he is with us.

She has 50% of the time without the stepkids. Clearly she'd like more but he's a dad and his kids are his priority too.

We have my stepkids 50%. While they're with us we make the most of our time with them and plans are centred around them. We have the other 50% for date nights and quality time together.

If you want your parents undivided attention every day then date someone who doesn't have kids.

FortheBeautyoftheEarth · 02/09/2023 22:22

She is being completely unrealistic and should have really thought things through before diving into a relationship with him.

I am a stepmum, didn't have my own children when I met my husband but I knew I liked kids when me and DH got together having nephews and cousins I have enjoyed being part of their childhood. I embrace DSD being here. Sometimes it's great, sometimes it's not so great but as the adult you just have to suck it up and find ways to cope when it's not so great. She needs to think about how much she will potentially mess these kids up for life if she allows her selfish needs and wants to come in between them and their dad. We all only have one childhood and limited time to spend with non resident parent on top of that for children of divorce. Step-parents should be able to put themselves in kids shoes and think how they would feel in this situation. It is definitely not a role for people who are inflexible or too set in their ways!!

That said, I totally get the need to safely vent sometimes because it can be emotionally demanding. But moaning about the amount of time spent...hmm I have to agree with PP that maybe this relationship isn't for her then.

NewNameNigel · 02/09/2023 22:55

You're her friend and she's venting. I think she'd probably be really hurt if she knew you'd posted it on a forum so other people can say she's "vile" and "a knob". What was your motivation for posting this, being sure to mention the affair?

Neither of you are coming off particularly well in this.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/09/2023 23:12

BackToOklahoma · 02/09/2023 20:40

She sounds awful. Poor kids having her around as well as such a selfish prick as a father. I wouldn’t stay friends with someone with zero morals. I couldn’t be bothered listening to her whinge.

I agree with this. Don't think she seems nice at all- is she a good friend? Does she do nice Friemd things for you like remember your important stuff and celebrate you and listen to you when you need it?

UpSafelyDownSoftly · 02/09/2023 23:13

Laurdo · 02/09/2023 20:03

Yeah she's a total asshole. So she's involved in breaking up a family and now wants to have him all to herself?

If he has his kids 50/50 then she gets 50% of the time just with him so she can shut the hell up. You're right, she's extremely lucky they even give her the time of day.

My stepkids mum had an affair with a married man for 1.5 years then he eventually left his family and moved in with her. His oldest daughter hasn't seen him since he left which was about 4 months ago and has completely disowned him and his younger 2 have now gone a few weeks of not seeing him because of his behaviour towards their mum. None of the kids even want to meet his new girlfriend and they all hate her.

I'd be asking myself if I wanted to remain friends with someone so selfish and with so few morals.

This 💯! Tell friend just wait she’ll understand soon as her dc will be the next dsc.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/09/2023 23:49

How old is her baby? Have her feelings changed since he or she was born? She may be a knob as suggested who’s always hoped he’d stop seeing his kids, or she may be finding having her own recently is using up all her tolerance for children and she’ll relax a bit as she adjusts. She might be sleep deprived or depressed. Is he doing enough with the baby when his other kids are there or does he solely focus on the other ones leaving her with all of it?

Like anything in a friendship, if she’s droning on repeating herself you can just say “alright Jane, you’re annoyed about Dave’s kids, you’ve said so many times, let’s drop it” and move on to something else.

AuntMarch · 02/09/2023 23:55

jallopeno · 02/09/2023 20:05

Yeah she's not cut out for stepmumming. And that's ok.

It isn't though is it, if you are going to set out to break up a marriage and make a baby with a man who's already a father.

Original poster

WhenyourgoneSOS · 03/09/2023 06:59

Certainly haven't posted to try and make her feel bad. We've been friends since school and yes she previously has been supportive but since meeting this man she seems to have changed. And that's why I'm asking for advice as to whether it's normal to vent about your step kids this much. Everytime we meet up it dominates the conversation. Because half of me just thinks support her and let her vent and the other half thinks maybe I need to be honest with how she comes across and the impact it may have on her family. I mentioned the affair as I think it is relevant that the dad chose her and the kids have welcomed her into their lives. It's not like the kids are being rude, ignoring her, ignoring the new sibling etc.
.

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 03/09/2023 07:38

NewNameNigel · 02/09/2023 22:55

You're her friend and she's venting. I think she'd probably be really hurt if she knew you'd posted it on a forum so other people can say she's "vile" and "a knob". What was your motivation for posting this, being sure to mention the affair?

Neither of you are coming off particularly well in this.

I agree with this.

She obviously doesn't come across particularly well but yes it is very normal for step parents to (want to) vent. Quite likely she did not realise how much she was going to hate it and is struggling with that. That's a common predicament. One of the things that is hardest about it, and that can really contribute to the kind of feelings she's expressed, is feeling completely alone in your feelings and like everyone in the world expects you to adore being a step parent and see it at all times as a privilege. Honestly it could drive a person mad.

She's clearly made some mistakes and got herself in a bad position as a result, and it would be fine to be honest with her about your observations, but you really don't sound like you have much compassion for her as a friend.