Friend who is a step parent complains all the time

[WhenyourgoneSOS]

Just curious for other viewpoints as I can't tell if I'm being a harsh friend... My friend had an affair with a married man who has 2 children. Obvs completely blew apart the family and whilst I do not agree with her actions they are still together and have had another child... but she is always moaning about the amount of time they have the other kids who seem to want to hang out with their dad and her and new sibling (which considering the circumstances I think they are lucky the kids have accepted them together).

Is this normal for a step parent to feel like this? She knew he had kids when she chose to be with him and actively try for their own child. I just want to say that to her when she is moaning that she should surely see it as a positive that the dad wants to have his kids 50/50 and wants to spend time with them. I'm just starting to see she is quite self centred in what she wants! Or maybe I'm just being harsh and should let her vent when with me?

Yes, I do understand the distinction you are making. Technically if you marry someone who has a child then you have chosen to do so. But you didn't cause the breakup of their original family unit, you just happened to fall in love with a man who had children. It's fair enough you might struggle, and fair enough to vent frustration to your friends because it's hard to blend families.
But, if you are the ow/om then I think you can't complain in the same way that a 'normal' (for want of a better word) step parent can. If you've helped to cause the breakup, then I think you give up the right to moan excessively about the fallout not being entirely to your liking and have to accept the consequences with some grace. The OPs friend wants the man and the new baby but not the kids he already had. She's not being asked to do much, they don't need her to parent them, only to accept their presence. Her moaning about this is what id struggle to tolerate as her friend. She just doesn't sound like a decent human being.

So while I totally accept she might be finding it hard, I just disagree with her right to moan.

@LadyBird1973 it takes two to tango.

Haven't you considered one reason the children are friendly is because it was hell when their parents were together?

Saying that the OP's "friend" sound selfish as:

• If I lived with a young adult child who came back home regularly to see their parent from uni I would be very worried about their mental health and coping abilities. Yes it is more expensive to go to uni but the cost of coming back considering they are living away from home isn't cheap.
• If she allows the older kids to get on with her little one, who is their half-sibling, then she has two trusted adults who will randomly help look after their younger half-sibling.

OP you do know that the older one may come back to live permanently with your "friend" and her husband as many adult children aren't moving out of home until they are in their 30s. I guess if you can't cope with your "friend"'s moans shut her down as already suggested or distance yourself from her.

I think context isrelevant. When your own, very deliberate, behaviour has been a key factor in how a situation turns out, youdolose the right to complain about it. And she's complaining a lot, not just having an occasional vent about not enjoying their company. She seems to genuinely resent the amount of time they spend with their dad. But he was theirs before he was hers. At some point the person listening is likely to snap and ask her just wtf did she expect to happen?

Exactly. I'm surprised no one has said that yet.

I would think that if the children are not resentful towards her (and you can point out to her how lucky she is as it would have made their life much more more unpleasant, there are so many horror stories about this on here!), its because their parents marriage wasnt good and they knew it. My dad also cheated on my mom and I understood as I saw that they were not happy, so the fact that she was the OW is irrelevant really. If I were her, I would be grateful.

Many women get involved with men with kids and dont realize what it actually means. So yes, its normal to moan especially when you have a new baby and the father is more interested in his older kids (possibly also because he feels guilty). It was my case too. He would announce to me that he goes to the cinema with his sons and just assume that Ill stay home with the baby. I couldnt do the same.

Obviously, if she was my friend, I would encourage her to understand why shes so resentful and work on it as it could damage her relationship with the husband.

You really dont know much about relationships if you think that the only person responsible in a separation is the lover.

She’ll gradually try and oust them.

Nowhere did I say the husband is blameless. But this thread is about the behaviour of the OP’s friend

I think it’s pretty normal to feel like that. They are not your kids and it’s tiring always having to deal with kids that are not yours.

Even if the parents' marriage was bad, no relationship is ever improved by one of them cheating! The kind and respectful thing to do is to exit one relationship before embarking on another. But, people aren't perfect - there is sometimes crossover and generally good people are capable of doing selfish things. It's to the credit of both parents and the character of the dc, that everyone is on good enough terms to prioritise the children's relationships. It really is great that they still see lots of their dad, that he still makes proper time and a home for them and that their mum hasn't been obstructive and has put something which probably does hurt her, to one side, do the children don't feel conflicted.

OPs friend sounds awful though - really mean spirited. I think she's like to oust them. Hopefully the kids' dad wakes up to her attitude soon!

It is normal to find step parenting hard.

However, I would suggest to your friend that her negative mindset is making it harder. By constantly complaining she is framing everything in a totally negative way. She needs to find a way to be more neutral, if not actually positive.

She probably expected that as he has older kids, he would stop seeing them so much, but that hasn't happened and it's a constant reminder of how their relationship started.

It might be that the kids don't particularly like her, but in order to see their dad, they tolerate her.

A lot of SMs would prefer the stepkids just disappear and often speak of good they can't wait till their 18. Either for child support to stop or for the kids to stop coming over.

Next time...suggest it might help her to speak to a Counsellor who specialises in step and blended family issues.

As if them turning 18 ends all parental responsibility. And of course all 18 year olds can afford to get their own place. My stepson has just left school. DH and I have been helping him wrote his CV, look for jobs, trying to teach him good habits and routines. He's asked me to teach him how to cook.

Grown up kids sometimes need just as much support as younger kids as they try to navigate the adult world. I know I certainly still relied on my parents for thing even after I'd moved out at 21. I even moved back in at 27 when I was renovating a house I'd just bought. Being a parent doesn't stop when they turn 18 but I doubt OPs friend gave much consideration to that when she was sleeping with someone else's husband.

I gave a 26 and a 23 year old. They still require a fair bit of input from me and dh at various times. The 26 year old stopped renting during covid and returned home to save for a house deposit. The 23 year old has also recently returned home now his brother has bought a flat. Moving out is expensive and she might find her dh's kids want to move in full time at some point. And a decent father will support that - it's not only the mother's job to house them!

These are the natural consequences of her life choices and she'd better find a way to reconcile herself to it or she's going to be very unhappy in the long run.

I'm a stepmum here

She's a dick.

I obviously dont wish this to happen.....but what if their biological mother suddenly passes away or something?!

She's beyond unreasonable, completely out of line and totally ungrateful.

I'm very fortunate that my stepchild loves being here, they're welcome any time and thank goodness there's no reluctance from the child because the situation would be 100 times worse!

She needs a reality check and to stop being so bloody selfish.

Rant over

If you're a step parent (irrespective of whether you were the OW or not) it can come as a surprise when a teenager/young adult doesn't even begin to show the slightest signs of independence. Many have been infantilised by Disney Dads and 'set in stone' arrangements (that may not have changed since they were small). When DSS got to his late teens his 'failure to launch' was quite apparent when I compared him to my friends 'children' of similar ages.

It's not unreasonable to expect a little progress by the time they are 18+

She sounds horrible. Aside from being content to contribute to the breakup of a family, she now seems intent on reducing the contact that the innocent victims of that breakup have with their father. Regardless of age - the parental relationship doesn't stop at 18. She can only see her own perspective though - I wouldn't be listening to her self absorbed ranting. I don't know why you would even see her.

Well at least one of the children is uni age - so presumably she similarly wouldn't be expecting them to be around as much as a younger, dependant child if their mum died.

Is it 'progress' to see less of your parents at 18+, if you are close and want to keep spending time with them?
I expect step mum will have a different take on it when it's her child at 18!

I mean yes. Becoming less dependent on your parents and creating your own social circle and life is normal progression into becoming an adult. I would be concerned that an 18 year old university student who wanted to spend every weekend with their parents was unhappy at university.

However instead of being concerned and her moans being about this, she is complaining about them being around a lot.

Possibly. University isn't always enjoyable and sometimes is just a means to an end. I'm not sure that's a problem if the kids are mentally well and coping.
Or it might be they have lots of friends in the area where dad lives. Or just be close to dad and their siblings and want to see them, as a priority.

Lots of kids from DS2 school went to the same university. It's about an hour from home, so lots of them came back regularly and socialised with each other here, as well as in the uni city while getting their laundry done at home and decent food top ups.

I think part of this issue is the difference between a parent perspective of an older child/young adult and a little one/baby.

The friend can't imagine that she will still be as interested in helping and keen to spend time in the company of a teenager than a little child. This is where the dad is. He presumably if he's a decent dad loves all of his kids and wants to spend time with them even if they are older. Most kids can't afford to move out directly after school these days, she needs to move with the times!

Wow so many responses..thanks everyone. I think from my perspective he is being a good dad and supporting his young adults/older teens because it's not really affordable now for them to move out like it was when we left uni. I think my friend just needs to respect that and I will try to tactfully ensure that I point out the other view. There has been other things friendship wise about being self centred though that this is just one thing that I guess has bugged me amongst others. If she was just venting occasionally then fair enough but it seems to dominate her convos which means it can't be healthy to be that fixated on it.

She probably can't stand not being the centre of attention. It probably grates on her nerves that her partner can love others (his own kids) whilst loving her at the same time.