Friend who is a step parent complains all the time

[WhenyourgoneSOS]

Just curious for other viewpoints as I can't tell if I'm being a harsh friend... My friend had an affair with a married man who has 2 children. Obvs completely blew apart the family and whilst I do not agree with her actions they are still together and have had another child... but she is always moaning about the amount of time they have the other kids who seem to want to hang out with their dad and her and new sibling (which considering the circumstances I think they are lucky the kids have accepted them together).

Is this normal for a step parent to feel like this? She knew he had kids when she chose to be with him and actively try for their own child. I just want to say that to her when she is moaning that she should surely see it as a positive that the dad wants to have his kids 50/50 and wants to spend time with them. I'm just starting to see she is quite self centred in what she wants! Or maybe I'm just being harsh and should let her vent when with me?

This.
She’s just human. I read something the other day about relationship dissatisfaction after having kids, something like 60 to 90% of couples reported a decline, and that’s with their bio children. Looking at that, people find it hard to believe that people sometimes voice their feelings about a blended set up and the challenges that often come with it ?? People expect to command others feelings too much.

Is this normal for a step parent to feel like this?

I think it probably is, yes. I would never blend a family because I would not want to be around someone else’s children.

But, she did. So she’ll have to live with that. It sounds like they’re quite grown up so will likely be around less soon.

Is she much younger than him?

My response was based on her being the OW. You can’t help break up a family and then complain about your new partner spending a bit of time with his existing children. As others have said, they’re lucky the children are being so welcoming.

It really does sound as if she didn’t go into this with honesty and had a picture of how perfect life would be once they were together which didn’t feature his children.

PS OP, as she’s asking you, I would be honest and ask some direct questions.

Ask her what she expected and what she thinks her DP expected. Presumably they discussed what their new life would look like.

Does she acknowledge how her DP’s happiness is immeasurably increased by the forgiveness of his children and time he spends with them? Or is she unable to get past them ‘stealing’ his time from her and the baby?

Yes the 3 kids are in their late teens/early adulthood. I suppose I can see from both sides and will continue to try and support her but maybe kindly point out she would hate it if he left her and also then stopped wanting to see their shared child less.

I guess most parents (step or biological) feel that their late teens/early adults children should be out more with friends/moving out but I think reality is that they can't afford to rent/move out as early anymore and she needs to accept they will be living with them longer than she thought. I wouldn't know not having had teens etc.

Yes a fairly significant age gap as well.

I think others may be right that there is more to the step kids side and I can think of other comments she has made about not always being hands on with their shared child so maybe some resentment going on.

Guess the honeymoon period is over.

Breaking up a marriage is unforgivable. However being a stepparent is hard.

Back from uni every weekend?

While she does sound selfish it does seem an unusual amount of time to have adult children staying at your house which you wouldn't really predict.

I can kind of understand her being miffed as you would expect to mostly be with your partner and child. It's not as though she is resenting young children for needing their father.

Because sometimes people need another perspective. I thought I had a good group of friends until my DH and my mum started pointing out how badly they treated me. Sometimes when you're in the middle of it you don't see behaviour for what it is.

Mentioning the affair is relevant because it gives an idea of her character. Also joining a family who was already separated is quite different from being the cause of a family splitting up. It has different implications and generally the children of that family are less accepting of an affair partner.

In this case, OPs friend has got the man she wanted and without a massive backlash from his kids. Yet she's still unhappy with her situation.

I thought I had a good group of friends until my DH and my mum started pointing out how badly they treated me.

This is not at all comparable. Your Situation was a head fuck where you were being bullied. This is mate talking about her home life

Mentioning the affair is relevant because it gives an idea of her character

Exactly. It's a quick and easy way to signal to everyone that this is a bad woman who should be lambasted. It's pretty obvious that "this woman stole someone's husband and now hates his kids" is going to get some quite nasty responses.

I think it's obvious that the op disapproves of and dislikes the "friend" and posted here to have that validated.

My advice would be, don't be friends with people you don't respect.

@NewNameNigel I don't need anything to be validated here. I'm simply asking if this is typical to feel this way. I've never used the word vile or hate. You are clearly projecting and jumping on other users answers rather than just answering the question of do other step parents feel like this - which is yes they do! If you don't have an opinion about being a stepparent then stop trying to derail the thread. Yes they had an affair but still together now so clearly love each other. And whilst that it wasn't great they had the affair. They are still making it work. All of them together including the ex being civil. I'm just worried about my friend who doesn't seem happy and if this is typical or not. I suspect that perhaps we are the only people she feels she can vent truthly about how she feels, so will let her (even though it is getting hard to not want to say but you knew he had kids but I wouldn't know if she is letting this also show in her day to day family life and if the convo allows I'll try to ask her more directly as PP have advised.

I'd have no tolerance for this - she was instrumental in breaking up a family and so it's really not okay to complain that his kids want to see and spend time with their dad.
It's different from other step mum situations, since in this case she's in a position entirely of her own making. And yes, she ought to be grateful those kids are so forgiving.

They are also not kids - she isn't being asked to actively parent them. Just not bitch when they are visiting their father, as is their right!

If she was my friend I wouldn't be able to hold my tongue - this is definitely a 'suck it up buttercup' conversation I'd be having!

Older one comes back from uni on weekends and will continue with the arrangement of staying at their dads/mums.

This is a bit weird, but sadly all too common. Adults adhering to a visiting schedule is not healthy behaviour

@MeetMyCat that's not true. If he was 36 you'd have a point but he is 18-21 and it's perfectly fine to go home at weekends if he wants to. And dad's house is home, whether his step mother likes it or not.

If she didn't want kids who aren't hers in the house, she shouldn't have had an affair with a married man.

The OP says: Older one comes back from uni on weekends and will continue with the arrangement of staying at their dads/mums.

“and will continue with the arrangement” seems slightly odd for anyone over 15, tbh.

Many of us, myself included, were absolutely not the OW, but still find step family arrangements very unnatural

Step family arrangements are unnatural and I get that people struggle with it, but the OP's friend literally created this situation herself. I wouldn't be able to summon up any tolerance for her whining, let alone sympathy.
And I don't think it's weird that the teens/young adults are sticking to the normal schedule - that's the only time they get to see their dad and the routine is already built into their lives. It will probably change as they get jobs and girlfriends and other calls on their time. But I'm the meantime the OW needs to stfu.

I don't see being the OW as particularly connected to whether you chose a step parenting set up/it's difficult, really. You chose it either way, being the OW seems like quite a separate issue that might make you dislike the person, but doesn't really have much of a bearing on the subject of struggling as a step parent.

See I disagree with that because she's been instrumental in fracturing the family, in order to have her relationship. If she wasn't willing to be a step parent with grace, she shouldn't have helped to break up a marriage where there were children.
She's not even being asked to do any parenting, only accept that her partner has children who want to see him. And they have a right to do so.

I don't really think any step parent can complain about their partners kids visiting and seeing their parent. It's the price of getting involved with someone who has kids.

Completely agree @LadyBird1973

I can totally respect that the audacity if you will of complaining about the step children after what you've "done" to them by being the OW in their dad's affair, gets people's backs up in a way it wouldn't if someone had entered the relationship innocently. But I still maintain that it doesn't really make much material difference to the notion that you chose to be a step parent so can't complain if you struggle with it. That's true whether it started with an affair or not.

And I disagree that step parents cannot complain about not enjoying time when their step children are around, in the context of venting to friends unconnected to the family. Complain about them in the sense that you genuinely feel they should not be around as much as they are, no, but complain that you don't enjoy it, that is just a human being honest and offloading.

I think context is relevant. When your own, very deliberate, behaviour has been a key factor in how a situation turns out, you do lose the right to complain about it. And she's complaining a lot, not just having an occasional vent about not enjoying their company. She seems to genuinely resent the amount of time they spend with their dad. But he was theirs before he was hers. At some point the person listening is likely to snap and ask her just wtf did she expect to happen?

I'm very tolerant of my friends but I'd struggle with this one. Now she has a child of her own you'd think she might be able to imagine her own baby in this situation and be less of a bitch. She's already helped to break up those kids' family and now she's ideally like the kids to piss off too.
I don't see it as comparable to a normal step mum who hasn't had a hand in the breakup of the parents relationship and has just found herself in a situation that's hard. Particularly if she's being expected to do parenting or the kids are hostile to her.

This woman is really lucky the kids are friendly towards her and aren't resentful of the baby or doing things to stir up trouble between her and their dad.

@LadyBird1973 We'll have to agree to disagree on this one. It's just semantics, really, so not that important, but nothing you've said there really changes my mind. "What did you expect" about them being around and finding it hard applies whether she was instrumental in breaking the marriage up or not - it only wouldn't apply if she didn't know about the kids when they got together. I agree that it's natural to have less sympathy for her due to the affair.... I just don't agree that it actually makes a difference to whether she should keep quiet because she knew he had kids when they got together. Hence, semantics.

I don't disagree that if she's finding it hard, then she's finding it hard. Feelings aren't controllable. But what she's experiencing is a natural consequence of her own actions and it's unwise to complain so much about it - her friends will get fed up of listening all the time and if her partner ever realises how much she resents his children, that's not going to end well either.
So she's got to learn to live with her reality - the kids are going to be there frequently, for the foreseeable future at least and she has to find a way to accept and not resent it.

OP could you encourage her to think through to the logical conclusion of having her own way and the kids not visiting so much? This would mean having a partner who's not fussed about seeing his children. That's not a good trait in a man and doesn't bode well for her own child. Would she really want a man who would see less of his own children, to appease her? Does she honestly think that if she had such a man, that her own child would somehow be exempt and be more special? Because that's the endgame to her thoughts.
It speaks well of her partner (and his ex wife) that despite the circumstances the children still want him in their lives. And it speaks to the generosity of those children. Things could be a lot worse for her.

You might have the patience to try and get her to look from a different perspective. Personally I'd have given her a proverbial slap ages ago!

LadyBird1973 · Today 09:10

I don't disagree that if she's finding it hard, then she's finding it hard. Feelings aren't controllable. But what she's experiencing is a natural consequence of her own actions and it's unwise to complain so much about it - her friends will get fed up of listening all the time and if her partner ever realises how much she resents his children, that's not going to end well either.
So she's got to learn to live with her reality - the kids are going to be there frequently, for the foreseeable future at least and she has to find a way to accept and not resent it.

I think two issues are being conflated here. I was not the OW, but the struggles I had with step-parenting are the natural consequences of my actions, ie I married a man with a son. So no bad behaviour or guilt on my part, but I still found it all very hard.

Being the OW is always wrong, but no matter how you 'arrive' into step-parenting, you can still find it tough.

@MeetMyCat Yes I agree, that was what I was attempting to say. The two issues aren't connected.