Step mothering plays into the hands of patriarchy

[Stepmotheringthepatriarchysdream]

Dear step mothers,

Hi 👋 ex-step mother here. I hope you are okay in these difficult summer holiday times.

If you are struggling, please ask yourself whether the expectations placed on you by your partner, your partner’s ex, your partner’s children and society at large are fair, when compared with the expectations of a step father by the same people.

If you feel you are failing to personally thrive under the weight of said expectations, please don’t be surprised. It’s set up to cause you to fail.

Think about how it’s mainly women who contribute unpaid labour to our society to keep it running. Childcare, elderly parent care, emotional labour of family friends, organising play dates, Christmas, birthdays, holidays etc.

Observed inequalities:

•Often male partners just expect step mothers to take on emotional labour of running the home, fill in child care gaps and using their own money on children’s holidays/ activities, birthdays and Christmasses.

•Step fathers allow step children’s mother to meddle with timings so step mother has to endure a life where the calendar is dictated by an external force.

•Step mothers are up against assumptions that they are evil from children’s books (another woman hating strand) whilst simultaneously getting the rough end of the deal and doing all the work.

•Step mothers provide respite for birth mothers but their sacrifices are never acknowledged by anyone. Usually just criticised.

•SMs are scapegoated by everyone in the dynamic when things go wrong. Including their own partner, the person who she’s making these sacrifices for!

It is okay to:
•Not take on any kind of caring role of the children.
•To ask your partner to not label you a step mother. Unless you want this job title.
•To insist that children respect your boundaries and respect your home.
•To not have the presence of these children impact your personal finances negatively.
•To leave all parenting to child’s father.
•To go on holiday without step children.
•To not be liked. You won’t be anyway so make boundaries to respect yourself, you home, your sanity and your money.
•No one can force you to be a martyr so it’s important you show people how to respect you.

I hope this resonates with some of you. I wish someone who had told me years ago.
a I can’t believe how many times I hear step mothers talking about all of the free labour they’re doing for their step children.

This doesn’t happen to step fathers because women are usually covering everything.

I suggest op it is you who wasn't cut out to be a stepmother!

If you meet a partner with kids they are part of the package and you need to accept that there won't be "boundaries" you will have a caring role, you can't dictate holidays and they will affect family finances.

Yes I'm a stepmum - not called that as dsd is an adult and uses my name but that the role I have. She moved in full time with us when her mother decided to move in with her partner and there was no room for dsd.

You choose who you have a relationship, children dont deserve having a step mum who resents them so stay away from men with kid's basically

This is an old reference and doesn’t contain up to date studies.

I think the lockdown exposed the truth about dynamics such as these.

It’s a self fulfilling prophecy when everyone hates step mothers.

Most step mothers try their hardest and take way more shit than they should trying to go against the grain and prove that they are not evil. Eventually they burn out because all of their love, time and effort is thrown back in their faces.

A man just has to look after their own child in public for older ladies to approach them with praise and offering help. Can you see the difference between how men are allowed to be the strong, ‘amazing father’ in the eyes of all while women are just berated from all angles especially by their own gender who have been raised to hairs women.

A woman. A perfect scapegoat. ‘Twas ever thus.

Your posts also reek of misogyny too you know OP. We're not all week minded little women coerced and exploited into looking after other people children.

@fettuccini

Same here!

Some of us accept responsibility (and it's both ways here with have one dd each living with us)

Gestures broadly at the misogynist society we are all raised in.

I’m attempting to give potential step mothers the heads up.

My vision is that women don’t think the emotional labour of the planet is on them.

Gosh she sounds intense

I don't though

You’re right. If step mothering means enduring an unenjoyable life where the people in my home don’t treat me well and boundaries are discouraged. I’m definitely not cut out for that.
I’d say that your theory is a recipe for a toxic family environment.

Yanbu. You don’t have to do any of it. If you want to, and if people are thankful, it’s lovely.

If they aren’t, it’s absolutely fine to step back. It’s not your burden.

Not a step mum but I agree with you. Women should run from men who have created a mess and then sat back while their mother, x, new gf clean up after them, their social life the least affected.

I think its true about the disparagy between step mothers and step fathers. I knew a guy in a not particularly great marriage, he basically wasn't too bothered about his wife and had affairs. I asked why he married her and he said it was to give his daughter a mother figure (carer) in his home. The caring and homekeeping role seems to often automatically fall to women.

Often it's the exwife who made the mess

What a nasty post. Your own situation doesn't reflect or represent everyone else's. When you decide to be in a relationship with a man who has children, his children are priority and part and parcel of the deal. If you can't or won't deal, he isn't for you hun. It's really simple.

Precisely.

You shouldn't be saddled with more childcare responsibilities than the parents but if you're plan is to

•Not take on any kind of caring role of the children.
•To insist that children respect your boundaries and respect your home.
•To not have the presence of these children impact your personal finances negatively.
•To leave all parenting to child’s father.
•To go on holiday without step children.
•To not be liked. You won’t be anyway so make boundaries to respect yourself, you home, your sanity and your money.

Then I'd agree with others who say do not get involved with a partner with children. That is not fair unless you live separately from him or her.

I think these things are ok in moderation, but you need to taking on some care roles if you're living with these children!

Once you start adding in shared biological children as well, I think the idea of 'not being liked' and 'not taking step children on holiday' isn't right.

I'm not a SM but my DH is a stepfather. He treats my eldest child as his and all of our children are equal

Children can be a priority without the SMs needs being neglected. A man entering into a romantic relationship needs to be able to prioritise his partner as well as his children. If he can't do that he should stay single.

Thank you. I needed to read that this morning. Struggling. I have been researching 'nacho parenting' and spoke to my partner last night and we have agreed that it might be best for us to follow it.

The real issue is that too many women hook up with shit, lazy men. Each person's experience as a stepmother depends on the man they have chosen to be with. Don't blame it on the patriarchy or children or the ex, like it is just something that happened to you out of nowhere. Take responsibility for your own choices.

I have stepchildren. I don't parent them. They don't see me as a parent. Their parents don't see me as a parent. I don't see them as my children. Everyone knows where everyone stands. We all get on great. The only "expectations" on me are to treat them kindly and interact/include them when they are here like you're supposed to treat any relative staying with you.

I don't, not really. Their dad does it all. I chat to them and we have a nice time. Go on family holidays. And yes my finances have taken a hit because we have a bigger mortgage than id otherwise have for the extra bedrooms. But I don't do any "parenty" things.

You lost me at 'you won't be anyway' about being liked. You can only speak for your own situation not make blanket statements like that.

My SC are grown up now but I feel very privileged to have them in my life. Everything I've ever done for them has been done willingly as I'm an independent adult who can think for myself and make my own decisions.

And I bet you’re not in this forum losing your mind with unhappiness.
Thank you for helping me make my point.!

Truth!

This is the key point right here. The reality is its your partner aka the father who will make the most difference to your experience. If they won't parent their children without copious input from you, if they won't advocate for you against their ex (most of whom aren't the crazy obstructive type they're portrayed to be), if they presume your time isn't worth much and he can expect you to do x, y and z then of course you'll have a crap experience. None of which is the fault of other women or the children- its the fault of the men.

My step father is my dad, so much more so than the piece of shit that fathered me.