Step mothering plays into the hands of patriarchy

[Stepmotheringthepatriarchysdream]

Dear step mothers,

Hi 👋 ex-step mother here. I hope you are okay in these difficult summer holiday times.

If you are struggling, please ask yourself whether the expectations placed on you by your partner, your partner’s ex, your partner’s children and society at large are fair, when compared with the expectations of a step father by the same people.

If you feel you are failing to personally thrive under the weight of said expectations, please don’t be surprised. It’s set up to cause you to fail.

Think about how it’s mainly women who contribute unpaid labour to our society to keep it running. Childcare, elderly parent care, emotional labour of family friends, organising play dates, Christmas, birthdays, holidays etc.

Observed inequalities:

•Often male partners just expect step mothers to take on emotional labour of running the home, fill in child care gaps and using their own money on children’s holidays/ activities, birthdays and Christmasses.

•Step fathers allow step children’s mother to meddle with timings so step mother has to endure a life where the calendar is dictated by an external force.

•Step mothers are up against assumptions that they are evil from children’s books (another woman hating strand) whilst simultaneously getting the rough end of the deal and doing all the work.

•Step mothers provide respite for birth mothers but their sacrifices are never acknowledged by anyone. Usually just criticised.

•SMs are scapegoated by everyone in the dynamic when things go wrong. Including their own partner, the person who she’s making these sacrifices for!

It is okay to:
•Not take on any kind of caring role of the children.
•To ask your partner to not label you a step mother. Unless you want this job title.
•To insist that children respect your boundaries and respect your home.
•To not have the presence of these children impact your personal finances negatively.
•To leave all parenting to child’s father.
•To go on holiday without step children.
•To not be liked. You won’t be anyway so make boundaries to respect yourself, you home, your sanity and your money.
•No one can force you to be a martyr so it’s important you show people how to respect you.

I hope this resonates with some of you. I wish someone who had told me years ago.
a I can’t believe how many times I hear step mothers talking about all of the free labour they’re doing for their step children.

This doesn’t happen to step fathers because women are usually covering everything.

And how does that work given that all received wisdom is that the father should wait at least 6 months to introduce any girlfriends as it needs to be a serious relationship? Never mind that an adult relationship is between two adults…not children.

Spot on description of a real step parent who is sharing the realities of the trenches.
More voices like this please. 💪🏼

What I meant is that for the first few months or year or whatever you don’t get to see what your partner is actually like around their kids even if they’re a very involved parent because it’d be wrong to meet the DC too early. So you only get to date them/fall in love with them without their DC around. It’s a catch 22 for the potential step parent - you can’t experience what the “package” actually entails until you’re already seriously committed to that person. By the time you realise how toxic some of the dynamics can be and that they’re not actually your fault, you’re probably already a few years in.

i can see the risk here (which is why I also don't necessary think that delaying meeting the children is a good idea), however there are red flags and I think being super cautious helps. If a man rarely mentions chores related to everyday life / kids in the same way a mother would (cooking dinner / putting washing on / doing homework with his kids) then I'd question his involvement.

Of course, there are men who simply allow their mask to slip years into relationship but this can happen even if you have your own kids with them.

I would also say that complaining about things like having a higher mortgage because partner's kids had to have their own rooms...this should have been obvious.

Same with a potential that his children may come and live with their father full time. I'm having a hard time to not roll my eyes on posts from people who are shocked that a perfectly reasonable scenario that should have been taken into consideration from the very beginning did, in fact, take place.

I'm not even gonna go into discussing the "kids won't like you anyway" because there are simply too many factors involved into whether someone likes us or not

I absolutely disagree with this wisdom :P

but even if that was the case, children generally feature in conversations, just like everyday life does. If you never see your boyfriend putting on washing for his kids or never hear of him mentioning doing homework with them or cooking for them then he probably does not do it. He also won't do it for your kids if you were ever to get serious and have children together

I'm a stepmother as well as a mother. Your post contains NOTHING that I have ever experienced nor does it relate to any other family with a stepmother that I have ever encountered.

One personal experience that has made you bitter and anti men should not be used to admonish all step mothers.

@PaintedEgg

so children being introduced to a parade of non-serious girlfriends (something roundly criticised on this site) is fine by you? ok..

Two points - the insane idea that people spend their dates discussing cooking / cleaning / washing is hilarious. But secondly women do assume this is all being done by the dad - often it is - it’s the boiled frog effect that it’s gradually passed off to you as the woman (especially once you move in / get married / have kids of your own), so you don’t realise you’ve been given all the drudgery until the resentment has built up

people discuss their lives, and everyday chores are part of it. There is no point "waiting" 6 months if during that time you know literally nothing about the routine of the person you're dating - you're still just f-buddies as much as you were at the beginning.

Also - it genuinely sounds like the person who put you in that position just generally sucked and it had nothing to do with them having children.

I was never in a position of having all household tasks pushed onto me (hell, my husband still handles cooking!) - not when we moved in together, not when we got married, not when my stepdaughter began living with is most of of the time

and if your partner does that then it's not because of your position of being a stepmother but because your partner is a lazy bum

on the flip side, I don't feel resentment over doing my stepdaughter's washing, she's a kid, why would I not wash her clothes? I don't want her to be going around in dirty clothes and it just happens that I do most of the laundry so I do hers as well. If someone has an attitude of stomping their foot because they need to put up one more washing then again - the issue is not step-parenting

I've never discussed with a boyfriend, serious or otherwise, whether he is on top of his own laundry/food shop/cleaning schedule/life admin. I just sort of assumed, in the glaring absence of a team of paid employees, that they were taking care of it as adults do.
Why would anyone assume that they would slowly stop doing things for themselves and drop it all onto their partners plate after moving in?

and my question is how could they even successfully do it?

I remember snippets of conversation when my now husband would say he would call me back after getting his daughter dinner ready etc - I think I would have been very confused if, after moving in together, he would suddenly expect me to do it instead of him

and yes, i know some men are incredibly lazy and would rather live in filth and off take-aways than lift their finger, but these are obvious to spot

Most of them were probably quite capable of doing everything for their kids before SM came along. Then they meet their partner and think "thank god a woman's come along to do the woman work!".