Step mothering plays into the hands of patriarchy

[Stepmotheringthepatriarchysdream]

Dear step mothers,

Hi 👋 ex-step mother here. I hope you are okay in these difficult summer holiday times.

If you are struggling, please ask yourself whether the expectations placed on you by your partner, your partner’s ex, your partner’s children and society at large are fair, when compared with the expectations of a step father by the same people.

If you feel you are failing to personally thrive under the weight of said expectations, please don’t be surprised. It’s set up to cause you to fail.

Think about how it’s mainly women who contribute unpaid labour to our society to keep it running. Childcare, elderly parent care, emotional labour of family friends, organising play dates, Christmas, birthdays, holidays etc.

Observed inequalities:

•Often male partners just expect step mothers to take on emotional labour of running the home, fill in child care gaps and using their own money on children’s holidays/ activities, birthdays and Christmasses.

•Step fathers allow step children’s mother to meddle with timings so step mother has to endure a life where the calendar is dictated by an external force.

•Step mothers are up against assumptions that they are evil from children’s books (another woman hating strand) whilst simultaneously getting the rough end of the deal and doing all the work.

•Step mothers provide respite for birth mothers but their sacrifices are never acknowledged by anyone. Usually just criticised.

•SMs are scapegoated by everyone in the dynamic when things go wrong. Including their own partner, the person who she’s making these sacrifices for!

It is okay to:
•Not take on any kind of caring role of the children.
•To ask your partner to not label you a step mother. Unless you want this job title.
•To insist that children respect your boundaries and respect your home.
•To not have the presence of these children impact your personal finances negatively.
•To leave all parenting to child’s father.
•To go on holiday without step children.
•To not be liked. You won’t be anyway so make boundaries to respect yourself, you home, your sanity and your money.
•No one can force you to be a martyr so it’s important you show people how to respect you.

I hope this resonates with some of you. I wish someone who had told me years ago.
a I can’t believe how many times I hear step mothers talking about all of the free labour they’re doing for their step children.

This doesn’t happen to step fathers because women are usually covering everything.

If that's the situation then you can chose to walk away. You don't have to stay with someone who refuses to parent their child. You have a choice. Pretending it's a patriarchal conspiracy is just patronising.

Better to talk about empowering people to leave shit relationships than try to come up with an elaborate theory that casts the step mother as a victim.

Where are these "more up to date studies"

Totally agree OP. I'm a step mum and my partners two are fab kids. However, they have a mum and a dad and the mental load falls to them when it comes to childcare. Along with the day to day practicalities.

I never understand people saying that you shouldn't be with a man with kids if you don't want to parent them. Just being with him doesn't mean I'm suddenly their mum!

I don’t think many people do know and I think you’re in the minority in seeing through the bs grooming men do when they’re on the look out for a household drudge.

No need to leave. Just a need for boundaries.

That's great that it works for you, but what happens if something happens to the mum and the kids move in with their dad and you? I just don't see how you'd live in a house with young kids and just ignore them and live your life.

@Coffeetree I don't ever ignore them . Lol. I'm just not their parent. If something happened to mum then they'd move in here with us. The still wouldn't make them their mum. I'd be here as I always am but their dad would take care of them. Would you ask the same question if it was the dad passing away? Probably not.

Because the chances are, that will not happen

If that happened, they’d be under your roof so would have to abide by your rules. Simple.

Exactly. This would not be asked if it was the dad.

Hang on, you say how awful the kids are and what a shit parent the dad is, that it's basically awful because you're a domestic drudge that is financially abused and that the patriarchy has set you up to be abused, then you say no need to leave!

That makes no sense whatsoever.

Good for you!

It becomes this toxic unless women are boundaried and clear about reasonable expectations.
If they are not, things get shit.

But if, as you imply, those boundaries aren't respected by your DSC's dad or, indeed , the the DSC themselves, then why not leave? Why put up with it and then moan about the lack of respect you receive? Nobody forced you to stay, that was your choice.

Because my DH was fine when the DSC weren’t here. And he’s a normal parent to our DC (actually parents them)

How the DSC are raised (ex doesn’t like them to ‘feel funny’ so they aren’t to be told off) is nothing to do with me.

Yes, it's definitely easier to imagine the mum getting up in the night with sick kids while the dad sleeps peacefully, but I'm just struggling to imagine having another adult in the house who is just like, "These aren't my kids." So you're home alone with them and a kid hurts themselves and you're like, "Call your dad to get home from work and put a plaster on that, you're not my kid." Would you just never be at home alone with them until they turn 18?

It gets a little absurd and I wonder if it's realistic to think you'll never do anything remotely parent-y with your partner's kids.

Which is why I avoid men with young kids.

Would you just never be at home alone with them until they turn 18?

Nope, never. They only come when DH is around to look after them, they’re his children.

This is after years of cheek and rudeness from them. I don’t do it any longer.

Right, but I was talking specifically about the scenario where the mum dies (God forbid) or otherwise can't parent and the kids move in with you and your partner. Or even start spending increasingly more time at yours. What then?

Which is why I avoid men with kids even when the kids live elsewhere. Being brutally honest, the women who get together with part-time dads and who swear they'll never be a step-mum are kidding themselves.

As I said, it’s almost never going to happen.

If it does, we’d apply the same expectations of how to behave that we have for our own children. Their DM won’t be there to undermine it as she does. They’d hate it though; unsurprisingly they prefer it at their DM’s house where the world revolves around them. So they won’t come more often either

Where are all these thousands of pounds that you seem to think women have to set up a new life!?
What if your husband is a wonderful father to your own child that you share? Your advice is just to leave them!?
Much cheaper and less traumatic to be boundaried in the 1st plane.
Black and white thinking is out.!

Right, so you would be in a parent role, but it would all be more stable. Fair enough if that works for you.

Most of your rant is about how awful some men are. You didn't have to fall in love or sleep with them. Choose better. Nice blokes are not an endangered species.
Our family joke is I fell for the kids, they brought along their father as part of the package. They were in Primary school when I met them so I missed the messy years. A levels now. Uni in October.
Life has been pretty good.

Stop dating shit men then.

But presumably he was a shit parent with awful step kids before you had your own children with him? so the question would be, why chose to stay in the relationship and bring children into it? it doesn't matter how good he is with your shared child, you'd still need to deal with the existing situation. You can't just magic that away by having your own kids with him.

So why take the decision to have children in an already tense and stressful environment?

All these steps are choices we make that we need to own as well as blaming others.