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Original poster

Drop in income means drop in maintenence- or aibu?

296 replies

goldensquaresofjoy · 10/08/2023 08:42

Name changed recently as I posted on style and beauty and someone might recognise the outfit!

Anyway. DH works contracts- he always has. His pay increases or stays the same with each contract. It lasts about 2-3 years per contract. He increases his maintenence payments in line with the cms calculator each time.

He is struggling to find the next contract- demand has fallen and competition for the roles has increased. So he's started looking into permanent positions. These all seem to come with a lower salary.

He's started applying and gave the ex a heads up that in 3 months he's going to have to look at the maintenance and as he's looking for a permanent position for stability it will probably go down.

All hell has broken loose - she claims maintenance should stay the same even if I have to subsidise it.

For info as I know everyone hates a drip feed. he and I both have well paid jobs. We have one shared DC. We have mortgage. Ex works term time only (not a teacher) and has no mortgage or rental commitments. DSC are all at secondary school.

Aibu to think its ridiculous for her to expect him to keep a career decision made 15+ years ago when they were together and she'll just have to accept the drop on maintenance?

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 10/08/2023 18:55

YaWeeFurryBastard · 10/08/2023 08:54

So he pays the legal minimum? How many kids does he have, I’m assuming it’s 3 with his ex given you say they’re “all” in secondary school?

I think it shit of him to reduce the maintenance when he’s already only paying the legal minimum and you point out you’re both high earners. I’m assuming you’re not in financial difficulty?

Do you not find it a massive turn off that your husbands first thought is “better reduce what I pay for my kids” when he gets a new job?

Show quote history

Bitter ex wife alert

Baconisdelicious · 10/08/2023 19:20

You think two kids cost £1000 a month?

I had three but at one point, I was forking out around £900 a month in childcare and breakfast/afterschool clubs so I could work. That's before the other essentials such as food, heat, a few toys and books, clothing, hair cuts, shoes etc. etc. etc.

harriethoyle · 10/08/2023 19:28

Spirallingdownwards · 10/08/2023 18:55

Bitter ex wife alert

Show quote history

Yep @Spirallingdownwards! They walk among us! 🤣🙈

LemonLimeDivine · 10/08/2023 19:46

If pay goes down then maintenance does too.
And no, you don’t have to subsidise it.

RedRosette2023 · 11/08/2023 06:32

LadyBird1973 · 10/08/2023 18:51

It must be very frustrating for the nrp to end up paying for his ex's 2nd set of kids.

OT but it is annoying when they’ve gone on to have more children and start pleading poverty. My DH’s ex asked for extra on the basis her husband was out of work! (Which has turned into a long term arrangement). Like we can keep two households and 3 unrelated kids going..!

CornishGem1975 · 11/08/2023 06:50

Dad has a duty to give all his children the same standard of living.

No he doesn't. It's not his responsibility to make up for any shortfall coming from the mothers side. Bonkers.

Goldbar · 11/08/2023 06:58

CornishGem1975 · 11/08/2023 06:50

Dad has a duty to give all his children the same standard of living.

No he doesn't. It's not his responsibility to make up for any shortfall coming from the mothers side. Bonkers.

No but he himself should be dividing his own resources fairly amongst all his children, rather than focusing time, attention and money overwhelmingly on one or two of them.

ArcticSkewer · 11/08/2023 06:58

CornishGem1975 · 11/08/2023 06:50

Dad has a duty to give all his children the same standard of living.

No he doesn't. It's not his responsibility to make up for any shortfall coming from the mothers side. Bonkers.

Does the same apply to mums?

Do they spend more on the kids they have whose fathers are giving them more maintenance?

Just curious as I wondered how that works out in reality.

CornishGem1975 · 11/08/2023 07:02

What if ex wife was a super high earner and that meant that by dividing up his resources equally his first children had a "better" lifestyle than his second family. Why is that fair? (She asks, fully knowing the answer she'll receive...)

Goldbar · 11/08/2023 07:27

CornishGem1975 · 11/08/2023 07:02

What if ex wife was a super high earner and that meant that by dividing up his resources equally his first children had a "better" lifestyle than his second family. Why is that fair? (She asks, fully knowing the answer she'll receive...)

This smacks a little bit of wanting it both ways. People have argued that the ex's financial situation should be irrelevant because if she wants her kids to have a better standard of living, she needs to step up and work more hours. If that's the case, it's also irrelevant to the father's contribution if she's a super-high earner.

In reality though, CM takes no account of the RP's income but is based on the NRP's income. Rightly or wrongly, the NRP's contribution is not linked to the RP's financial situation. It's not done on 'need' - I suppose because all parents have a duty to contribute to their children regardless of whether there is someone else (another parent) who could step in and make up for the shortfalls in their contribution.

On your point, 'fair' doesn't necessarily mean equal in all respects - financial etc. I suppose one way of phrasing it would be that good fathers invest equally in all of their children. That 'investment' could take different forms, though - not just financial. Helping with homework or holiday work is investing in them; so is taking them to hobbies or just phoning and showing an interest in their lives.

whitewinefriday · 11/08/2023 07:27

RedRosette2023 · 11/08/2023 06:32

OT but it is annoying when they’ve gone on to have more children and start pleading poverty. My DH’s ex asked for extra on the basis her husband was out of work! (Which has turned into a long term arrangement). Like we can keep two households and 3 unrelated kids going..!

Show quote history

I totally get this. DH’s ex had 2 more children with her new partner, and wasn’t working. That’s why her household was short of money. I’m not sure what DH was supposed to do about that? We always made sure DSS had lots of nice extras when he was with us, but there was definitely a financial disparity across the two households

grandmashotdoodlebugs · 11/08/2023 08:17

I've received no maintenance for years, but I do now. Minimal CMS amount which they forcible take from his salary and he never seems willing to pay.

I work term time. It was a necessity after he left as there was no way I could afford childcare on holidays. And it was essential I be with DC as much as possible because no matter which way it goes, divorce is TRAUMATIC for children. Mine was very traumatic and if I had been full time, getting home late, passing them to childcare.... instead of giving two sets of parent nurture to make up for the single parent status then maybe my kids would be a statistic often quoted about single parented kids with absent fathers....

My career ended when my ex left. I forged a new one in a new area and one I'm proud of now and where I've gained considerable promotion so saying she should get a new job is rude. Maybe she's proud of her work AND she is still giving the daily nurture to the teen DC which is when they need it most.

So your DH is to blame. He should not be informing you that ex had a huff. You should not be judging the ex. You should put yourself in her shoes (you might end up there one day) and he should not be reducing maintenance, it will affect his DC and cause divide.

I also have half siblings and step siblings and am now the adult version of all the children in this scenario.

You're setting them up to dislike each other with your pettiness.

But as long as your status quo isn't affected at all eh? Just the kids.

whitewinefriday · 11/08/2023 08:49

So your DH is to blame. He should not be informing you that ex had a huff. You should not be judging the ex. You should put yourself in her shoes (you might end up there one day) and he should not be reducing maintenance, it will affect his DC and cause divide.

If the OP's DH has reduced earnings, its not just the 'first family' that take a hit, its the 'second family' too - everyone has a smaller slice of the pie. Don't you understand this @grandmashotdoodlebugs

aSofaNearYou · 11/08/2023 08:49

But as long as your status quo isn't affected at all eh? Just the kids.

No - as long as she isn't funding it because harsh as it sounds to you, none of what you've said about your kids and work situation are her problem to fix. If he can't afford to give that amount and still pay his bills without it being her paying for it, then he can't afford it. If he can, then he can.

Neonyellowfish · 11/08/2023 08:57

Some bitter ex wives on here for sure😂

whitewinefriday · 11/08/2023 08:57

Neonyellowfish · 11/08/2023 08:57

Some bitter ex wives on here for sure😂

Definitely!

Fahdidahlia · 11/08/2023 09:02

Feels like theres some sort of alternate reality happening on this thread, where some are only selecting some of the information that they would like for their narrative!

OP - your husband has given 3 months notice to change which is very reasonable. It is not your responsibility to make up shortfall, especially as you are supporting costs of step children when at your home.

From your POV there needs to be no further discussion/arguments- she has asked/demanded/moaned, you have said no. Thats the end of it!

Reugny · 11/08/2023 09:02

Neonyellowfish · 11/08/2023 08:57

Some bitter ex wives on here for sure😂

Yep.

FatCatBum · 11/08/2023 09:09

CornishGem1975 · 11/08/2023 07:02

What if ex wife was a super high earner and that meant that by dividing up his resources equally his first children had a "better" lifestyle than his second family. Why is that fair? (She asks, fully knowing the answer she'll receive...)

Because his first family has a standard of living based on mum not dad, so yes of course it is fair that they have a better standard of living

RedRosette2023 · 11/08/2023 09:11

So your DH is to blame. He should not be informing you that ex had a huff. You should not be judging the ex. You should put yourself in her shoes (you might end up there one day) and he should not be reducing maintenance, it will affect his DC and cause divide.

I just can’t comprehend how a grown adult doesn’t see that outgoings are relative to income and when the first reduces so must the latter.

I also can’t understand the logic that the rest of the household should go without first to sustain one single member of the family.

You can support one child at the expense of everyone else and expect OP to facilitate that. It’s crazy.

Any impact should be spread evenly across the family.

RedRosette2023 · 11/08/2023 09:16

gogomoto · 10/08/2023 16:45

Child maintenance and a total amount is not really enough unless you are a very high earner because it's based on percentage of income. Even paying £500 to cover kids costs is not enough in my personal experience. My exh thankfully is a good guy and pays maintenance for the dc still in education without grumbling. He'll pay until she's earning (sn so no guarantees)

£500 from one parent though? What of the other?

I have seen £1000 pcm quoted per child. Why is the entire burden placed with the NRP?

grandmashotdoodlebugs · 11/08/2023 09:20

I would bet the drop of income isn't 25% tho.

arethereanyleftatall · 11/08/2023 09:37

Neonyellowfish · 11/08/2023 08:57

Some bitter ex wives on here for sure😂

I see people write this, but my own experience is it's the complete opposite. Every ex wife I know (including myself) is dancing a happy dance that they no longer have to put up with their ex. The stats back this up- isn't it something like 90% of divorces are requested by women? Anyway, Im now wondering if my exes new girlfriend thinks I'm sad/bitter that my ex is now with her?!? How funny if she is.

Reugny · 11/08/2023 09:40

grandmashotdoodlebugs · 11/08/2023 09:20

I would bet the drop of income isn't 25% tho.

Depending where he is in the country, then a contractor/freelancer going permanent would face a bigger drop than that.

Reugny · 11/08/2023 09:41

arethereanyleftatall · 11/08/2023 09:37

I see people write this, but my own experience is it's the complete opposite. Every ex wife I know (including myself) is dancing a happy dance that they no longer have to put up with their ex. The stats back this up- isn't it something like 90% of divorces are requested by women? Anyway, Im now wondering if my exes new girlfriend thinks I'm sad/bitter that my ex is now with her?!? How funny if she is.

Show quote history

On MN you only get the people posting with trouble in their lives.

Most ex wives/partners post their issues with their ex's behaviour on different parts of MN.