DSD allowed all social media with no limits

[Howtodealwiththis]

DSD is 11 and as the title says, is allowed unlimited access to all apps and social media.
My 2 DDs 12 and 11 from precious relationship have limits on YouTube and are not allowed Instagram, tiktok, Snapchat, Facebook ect as I don't think they're good for kids.

It's come to a head lately where DSD is bragging about this to my DDs and showing them things I don't approve of. Her dad doesn't seem to care and it's upsetting my DDs that I don't allow them on these things.

Am I the bad guy really? Am I too strict? I just worry about their happiness and addiction

I’ve heard some absolutely awful things from people I know who’s kids, or friends kids, have had unbelievable experiences on these. My young boys have heavy restrictions, they don’t like it, but it’s that or lose it altogether. I don’t think you can be too careful nowadays. Doesn’t help you with the inevitable argument because DSD is allowed & they aren’t. But I feel like you are doing the right thing! Her dad may need to give his head a wobble .. it may never be an issue .. but it could

Seems extreme: “enforce this rule that you don’t appear to agree with or we break up”
what happened to compromises in relationships and navigating parenting together……

But sadly OPs boyfriend is opting out of parenting entirely, no navigating at all.

He's not parenting his child at all.

If he parented his child then the OP would be able to agree an online strategy with him covering all the children in the household.

You are utterly right in this scenario. Your partner should have a word with his daughter!

It’s a really tricky one. Could you get your DP to tell her and her mother that you need her to not go on these apps whilst she’s with your children because in your house that’s the rules? (very important that you’re not painted as the bad guy and your DP mans up).

Or alternatively suggest that she doesn’t brag about being on them and keep her phone in her room while she stays with you?

I feel for you OP. It’s horrible having an outside influence in your own home that is compromising your values.

At times with my DD and in the spirit of not bullshitting her, I have told her that the reason I don’t want her to have these things is because it is bad for the developing brain and could affect her mental health negatively.

I explain that if she gets used to such high levels of dopamine, she could be vulnerable to addictive behaviours as an adult and because I really want her to have a happy life I want to remove all of these risks.

I tell her that all the ‘cool kids’ in my secondary school, peaked in coolness aged 14 and have all stayed in my home town, became old/ unhealthy before their time and narrow minded having not done anything interesting or exciting with their lives. So her argument about ‘so and so has a phone’ etc doesn’t wash.

I take the risk that she’ll begrudge me for it when she’s older but I know my intentions are based in her best interests.

Be confident in your decision. Your kids have their whole lives to scroll aimlessly on the internet. A little more time to let their brains reach their full potentials wouldn’t hurt.

Is it your house ?
your comment says your doing childcare . If it was me I would put the restrictions on when she’s in your care.
I have same rule for everyone What you say goes . If he can’t back you up tell him he does his own childcare .

You're in the right. I had unlimited access at 11 - before adults really understood the danger. I saw people being beheaded, pornographic content etc. it really freaked me out!

It's really really not a good idea for her to have free range at that age.

My friend told me ‘if you don’t let him have snap chat in secondary school he’ll be socially isolated’ I took her advice gave in - I now realise the two kids who don’t have it are social pariahs - glad I took the advice.

You're being sensible OP.

As for the PP who reckons they'll miss out socially, better that than end up groomed/bullied online.

My own DD is 14 and doesn't want social media, if she were to have it she would have to accept tight restrictions and know I need to look through it.

It's time for your partner to step up here tbh. If he can't safeguard his child he shouldn't be a parent.

That is so true. All the kids denied SM usually find a way around it if they are smart without their parents knowledge. Sowing the seeds of lying and deception.
The ones listening to Mummy and don’t navigate around it are always embarrassed, left out of stuff and socially isolated. All arrangements still done by their mothers mortifyingly organising their ‘play dates’

Everything is done/organised get togethers/decided on/debated about on SM and that isn’t going to change anytime soon! It’s how kids stay connected.

It’s all very well “arranging” to go to the cinema with your friends, age 12, until your parents say no. It’s all very well being super social media savvy with cool parents until your “boyfriend” you “met” on a Roblox chat room is actual a 19 year old paedophile, age 12.

They are children, giving them too much freedom and a false sense of their own independence and maturity is lazy parenting

As for the PP who reckons they'll miss out socially, better that than end up groomed/bullied online.

It's difficult, I don't dispute it, but having 3 DC now in their 20s, I'm inclined to lean towards those who feel young teens should be allowed Social Media if they want it and you feel they can be trusted

I've no idea of the proportion of children who end up groomed but it's not going to be that large, but NOT being on SM can, and is, be a reason to be bullied. Missing out socially is a MASSIVE thing for a teen. Please do consider this.

Why would you parents say no to a cinema visit with friends? That’s just controlling and an abuse of power.

I don’t know anyone that met boys from Roblox?! I am not advocating SM use at 12 but much beyond that age you are condemning kids to life as an outcast. Introducing SM with parental controls and monitoring is the way to go. Not leaving your kids to it, but a measured, educational approach.

Because there are other plans? Because you haven’t done your homework? Because as a child, you don’t actually have the autonomous decision making power of adult?

The Roblox scenario is actually one I’ve encountered in real life, recently. It wasn’t just plucked from my imagination.

I agree with it being introduced with parental controls and so on. I strongly disagree with lazy, naive parents allowing their 10+ year olds unfettered access to the internet and then having the audacity to be shocked when it goes poorly.

Please say you’re using protection?

not a very hands on dad would be a deal breaker for me but it sure is great from his perspective he has found a woman who doesn’t mind doing his parenting for him

You sound very edgy and stressed why? It is part of life.
i sat with my dd every time she used sm, and we would talk through safety, responses and dangers, appropriate photos and inappropriate photos.

My dc are allowed to plan their own outings as long as they run through the dates with me before confirming. Autotomy is to be encouraged or you will stifle development, independence and the ability to think for themselves.

I probably am, about this particular topic.

My step daughter is one of the classic “total freedom the internet, no parental input” kids for whom it didn’t go well. My suggestions it wasn’t a good idea were ignored and I didn’t exactly feel great about being right.

I like your take on educating on how to use social media safely though and will likely implement similar with my own daughter when she’s old enough (currently 8 so it’s a while off).

Chanhedforthis

‘As for the PP who reckons they'll miss out socially, better that than end up groomed/bullied online.’

ifs not either or though is it!!

This thread is so toxic , why should the sd be threatened with not being allowed in her fathers home if she with her own mums blessing uses social media ? Who decided that the over bearing strict parents decision was the Correct one ? IMO the strict one will likely see it all backfire on her as her children grow and do this behind her back because they want to fit in and not be socially isolated from their peers. You need to respect your step child’s parents wishes instead of forcing your views down their throat and giving ultimatums like others have suggested! I think you also need to loosen up show your kids how to safely use social media and trust your children to do so. If I did that to my daughter she would honestly be a target for bullies at school

You need to start preparing your daughter for it now especially if she plays any form of computer game.

No one is saying the SD can't be in her father's home.

However the OP is not her parent so can simply refuse to look after her for any reason the OP likes. This can include not following the OP's rules on internet/online access.

The OP is not automatic childcare for the SD just because she is another adult who lives with the SD's father.

My parents use to allow relatives to stay with in their homes with us, especially those visiting from abroad, but my aunt and/or cousins where not my childcare, the same way my step-mother wasn't my automatic childcare.

I hate sm and loathe it to be honest, but it is part and parcel of the social fabric of children’s lives. I have seen that it’s not the grooming machine I thought it might be, but a useful tool for my dc to connect with their friends, talk through their worries, share experiences, research ideas and stay in touch.

I can’t imagine cutting off my children from their friends, it is cruel given what happens to those children socially.

An early, relaxed and gradual approach will keep them safe. My dc were not allowed to post photos of themselves or others ( a no people rule) before the age of 14/15 and both are savvy users, that know exactly what they are doing. I have no worries for either - they keep themselves very safe.

I'd talk to your lazy partner and say if I'm doing the childcare it's my rules so the same boundaries on sm for all

I would have a chat with DH about both enforcing a general family rule about the step siblings please not boasting to each other about different rules- yes your daughters are allowed less social media, but maybe they'll get taken on a better holiday by their other parent or maybe they have grandparents that will buy them a car or maybe they'll be allowed to go for sleepovers more often etc etc - both parents can name it, say it's normal to feel upset about different rules and it can feel unfair but you have different parents so it's what happens just like with your friends. It's kind not to brag or boast - how would you feel if you step sisters did that to you. Also chat with own kids about resilience in these situations and how they'd cope if it was a friend at school saying those things.