DSD allowed all social media with no limits

[Howtodealwiththis]

DSD is 11 and as the title says, is allowed unlimited access to all apps and social media.
My 2 DDs 12 and 11 from precious relationship have limits on YouTube and are not allowed Instagram, tiktok, Snapchat, Facebook ect as I don't think they're good for kids.

It's come to a head lately where DSD is bragging about this to my DDs and showing them things I don't approve of. Her dad doesn't seem to care and it's upsetting my DDs that I don't allow them on these things.

Am I the bad guy really? Am I too strict? I just worry about their happiness and addiction

You are expected to provide care for your SD for the ENTIRE summer holidays?
Where is the child's mother? Isn't your DH taking any leave to provide care?
Are you happy with this situation?
I sure as hell wouldn't be, especially if you are expected to tolerate her behaviour towards your DDs!!

Yanbu DSD shouldn't be bragging.
Do you talk to DDs about social media? Do they understand why you want them to be older before they can use it?
Dd is 8 and I have started to explain that not everything on the Internet is true and that there are people that can be nasty, do bad things, pretend to be other people,... I even have watched a couple of catfish episodes with her.

Imo your house the same rules should apply. If her df doesn't agree he can parent his own dd.

I agree. When she is under your sole care, it's your rules. If DP (I assume you aren't married) doesn't like it then he needs to arrange and pay for other care for her and then supervise her usage when he is home as far as showing things to your DDs.

I wouldn't tolerate her bragging to your DC, either. And there would be consequences if I caught her. It wouldn't matter if she was bragging about SM, new designer clothes, or a fancy holiday. It's just unkind and shouldn't be tolerated.

If he won't agree to this, I think I'd be rethinking the relationship. This is just the beginning of the 'teen years' and the things she is allowed to do could get much worse in just a year or two.

I also agree with this. My 15 yo dd was allowed WhatsApp, insta and snap at age 12 but with lots of precautions. Pretty much all her friends were as well. She’s eminently sensible and I talked to her a lot about social media and so forth before she downloaded them.

I would be tearing my hair out if she weren’t and would have restricted her far more as some parents have needed to do over the years. She used to talk to me out of concern when her friends did something stupid.

Dd gets annoyed with me when her friends are allowed to do things she’s not but that’s just part of parenting. As parents, we have different limits and values.

I think, however, this is far easier to manage when you have only one child, especially when they’re sensible. I’d be fuming in your shoes op.

This is your issue really.
he doesn’t care to parent his own child
he doesn’t care what she’s doing, even if it makes your life harder whilst you parent for him or even if it’s unsafe for her.

she could be told she’s not allowed in your home or she could be told she’ll lose the privilege if she’s bragging and winding the other dc up, but you need backing for that.
if you leave him you don’t need to worry about either of them.
or if you refuse to parent for him, I’m sure she’ll be over less or he’ll suddenly have some rules.
personally I wouldn’t be attracted to a man that cared so little about me or his daughter

otherwise all you can say is ‘her mum decides for her and I decide for you, and I think this is what’s best’
Or you can do some work with them all on internet safety.

The age limits for WhatsApp, Instagram and Snapchat are all higher than 12. Did you encourage her to lie about her date of birth on the sign up form?

These sites are a fact of life. Personally I’d rather teach my kids how to engage with them safely and responsibly than ban them and make them seem more appealing.

At 13 they will be on all social media and definitely by 14, otherwise they will be socially isolated, so you only have a year left. Just say to dd it’s a shame dsd’s parents are not keeping her safe on the internet.

It’s far better to introduce social
media slowly and gradually with you lightly monitoring so they learn to manage themselves properly and safely, and you don’t make it into too big a deal.

I have three teens, and I think that most 12 year olds do have access to some or all of these sites, and those who don't can end up feeling excluded (I'm not talking about DSD here but their school friends). Personally I'd start giving some careful thought to when/how you want to allow them (they must agree that you can check their phones, leave phones downstairs overnight etc). It's so tricky and I feel for you, but I do think you can end up being too strict.

Totally agree with @moonlion. You need to teach responsible SM use. So phones downstairs at night and you can check them at any random time.

At school I would imagine your 12 year old will just be looking at TikTok etc on her friend's phones.

I don't see what you can do about your DSD to be honest - her parents are clearly ok with it. I would however encourage your DP to put in place house rules around phones downstairs at night and limit screen time but the onus is on him.

I didn’t encourage her, no. I allowed it. Lockdown meant that normal rules for phones didn’t apply for dd and for her friends. They couldn’t have sleepovers for example or even see each other for months so house party and virtual sleepovers (where they slept and kept FT on) were popular. They also studied in silence on FT. Dd needed connection with her peers. Much as it seems counter intuitive, allowing dd 24/7 access to her phone was good for her mental health. She didn’t suffer at all from lockdown.

As you can see from other posts, it’s pretty normal for kids to have tik tok by age 12. I’m not talking primary age. And yes, I am aware of the grooming risks and so forth. Everything 15 yo dd posts is pretty PG and set to private. And yes, I’m aware it is possible to have more than one insta account etc.

It’s a shame the dad isn’t too bothered

im not as strict as you OP

but i feel like her dad having a word with her,saying ….. ino your mum allows you to,but plz don’t go on about what your allowed on ,in front of the other 2 , as im
presuming you don’t make comment on her mothers rules she shouldn’t make an issue of yours…would be the best approach

dont allow social media in your house to stop her showing it to your kids

Honestly I think yabu to not allow your daughter's any access to SM. You are completely cutting them off from what is a big part of life nowadays, so much socialising goes on on SM and I think completely restricting access is unrealistic and unfair.

I'd start by allowing something like Instagram or Snapchat and heavily supervise to begin with, they need to be taught how to use it responsibly before you have no control of what they do and they are unprepared for the world of SM.

Why are you with a man who is so irresponsible and leaves you to do all the childcare?

Op I totally agree with you.

I'd not be happy about this either, girls especially are vulnerable to sm, there's so much toxic crap on places like tiktok.

I was quite strict with my dd, she was allowed tiktok when she was 14yo which was around the same time her mental health plummeted 😢

If I'd had another child I would have been even stricter and not even allowed a phone until they were 13 and no sm until 15/16.

That’s awful that your boyfriend has palmed off his child for you to raise on the brief occasions she’s there solely for contract with her father. Do you feel used? How can you respect him?

Fantastic post. The best we can do for our children is to enable them to think for themselves and to be resilient. I think if you aren't comfortable with their social media access at the moment then the right thing to do is trust your instincts and keep them away. But soon, that will alienate from their peers and it's then that they need the support and the tools to make social media the peripheral, the often useful and the potentially toxic tool that it is.

Sorry, replied too quick - the fantastic post was referring to l2222's post about a course that they went on.

Our dc all leave their phones downstairs now mid teens, and we have strict policies at that age 12/13 onwards. No photos at all apart from flowers , landscapes and absolutely no discord etc. We slowly allowed more exposure, monitoring everything carefully and allowing more freedom. Blanket band will result in the child lying, burner phones and social exclusion. So much connection happens on line now between friends, it’s cruel to expect them to be happy to be excluded. It’s definitely a balance.

👏👏👏

I also agree with this post. It’s important to teach our children to use social media responsibly. I never ever found anything untoward on dd’s SM but some of her friends have done stupid things.

Well done, pity your DSD parents can't or won't parent her.