DSD allowed all social media with no limits

[Howtodealwiththis]

DSD is 11 and as the title says, is allowed unlimited access to all apps and social media.
My 2 DDs 12 and 11 from precious relationship have limits on YouTube and are not allowed Instagram, tiktok, Snapchat, Facebook ect as I don't think they're good for kids.

It's come to a head lately where DSD is bragging about this to my DDs and showing them things I don't approve of. Her dad doesn't seem to care and it's upsetting my DDs that I don't allow them on these things.

Am I the bad guy really? Am I too strict? I just worry about their happiness and addiction

Previous*

You’re not the bad guy, you’re not too strict. You’re being really really sensible. You can’t apply or criticise the lack of limits set on your step child but you can tell her she is not allowed to brag or show your daughters the things that she has access to.

You’re also not alone in applying these restrictions, so your kids need to know that lots of parents protect their children in the same way, despite how it may appear when someone else has access.

You’re being very sensible. Your DSD bragging doesn’t help but do bear in mind that your DD will also have friends at school who are allowed things she isn’t allowed, and she needs to learn how to navigate this. It’s not only your DSD who will talk to her about it.

This is part of the decision you make when you decide not to let her have access. Of course it would be easier just to let her do everything anyone else is allowed to do, but that’s parenting.

Thank you, it's good to know other parents want to protect their children in the same way. It seems wherever I look nowadays kids as young as even 5 are allowed these things.
My DDs get mad with me saying it's not fair, I just want to keep them safe

This really tricky. I would normally advise disengaging and reminding you not to care more than the actual parents but this is impacting your daughter.

How much time does DSD spend with your daughters? If it isn't that much would her dad support you in having a rule that she can't show your kids stuff and her phone will be confiscated if she does?

It’s tricky
i get the dangers of social media - but by 12 most kids are on social media, granted you can put limits and safeguards and talk to them and monitor - and a good parent will do that
its great that you don’t allow it, it’s sensible, but also, most social media apps have a lower limit of 13/14 so you’re about to get to the point where the fight will be bigger, for me supervised, with tight controls and lots of chat is better than a full on ban
I would say unrestricted access it’s extremely worrying though!

Yes we live together, she stays with us EOW and all school holidays, so sometimes it's alot, like now.
It's me that mostly cares for her as my partner works and isn't a very hands on dad.

When are you going to let them have access?

That’s fine for now, but you should be allowing them access to some social media in the near future. How else are they going to learn and practice internet safety so they can do it confidently and independently by age 18?

You’re being very sensible. Your DSD bragging doesn’t help but do bear in mind that your DD will also have friends at school who are allowed things she isn’t allowed, and she needs to learn how to navigate this. It’s not only your DSD who will talk to her about it.

Agree with this to the most part, but you will need to relax a bit at some point or they'll be left out quite honestly.

Social media is not the enemy as long as it's monitored, rules are put in place and it's used carefully.

It is unwise in the extreme that she is allowed unrestricted access to social media.

You are correct here. Your husband probably thinks she is “sensible and would never do xyz”. But she would. He is naive and lazy.

When the OP decides they are old enough.

They need understand that their are dangers online such as people not being who they say they are, scams, selling of drugs, etc.

Social media sites also have age limits of 13 or 16 depending on the site.

@SemperIdem is correct.

OP if you are unhappy with looking after her while she has unlimited social media access then you need to put your foot down and tell him that while she is in your sole care she can't have access to any social media.

If that doesn't work then unfortunately you are going to have to split up.

The reason being is when she gets scammed, groomed, buys drugs or whatever due to the fact you are the one caring for her when she is supposed to be looked after by him, then you will be blamed for not seeing what she got up to.

Totally agree with this. Your instincts are spot on. It's a massive gateway to nightmarish problems if left unchecked. Please don't question your own standards, which sound spot-on.

I see from your updates that you look after DSD a lot - and I also agree with the poster saying your rules should apply during this time - so no unrestricted access under your care is a totally reasonable rule. And if your DH doesn't like that then he takes care of her himself.

It's me that mostly cares for her as my partner works and isn't a very hands on dad.

This isn't good enough, OP and speaks to much bigger picture of lousy parenting. You and your DDs deserve better and so does his DD. Time for him to stop being a Disney drip and step up. If not, out yourself and your DD first and walk away.

I think you've got more problems than internet access then.

It would be better to teach all of them HOW to use it than enabling or restricting them

But of course, when the parent isn’t willing to learn….

I’m in the same boat and I’ve just always said “because their mum makes decisions for them and I make decisions for you”. It might upset your children but you need to remember that you’re keeping them safe. Unrestricted access doesn’t keep anyone safe

With social media and the internet that doesn't work as the one with access will simply show the others what is on their phone/screen.

Happens in schools where phones are banned in lessons and it is far easier to do in a home environment.

Anyway as a couple if posters have pointed out the OP's problems run deeper than this.

I attended a really useful session not long ago called “How to protect your kids in the age of digital”. I went in expecting it to advise on all the forms of technology that could be used to protect kids being exposed to bad content - ie. passwords, wifi blockers, dangerous content screening etc, but it ended up being the opposite.

The main message was that as a parent you can’t protect them 100% of the time unless they stay in your home 100% of the time, your role is to PREPARE them for all of the worst case experiences before they encounter them. So supervised social media usage in a home setting seems ideal. Suggestions were to drop into conversations around the dinner table questions like:

• I heard on the grapevine that girl from x had been asked to send a naked photo to a boy in her class. What would you do in that situation?
• When you’re chatting to 12yr old Bella on social media, how can you be sure its not 50yr old Bob
• Show a photo of a celeb - do you think X looks like this in real life or the photo has bern edited to make her look different
• Show an example of a youtuber doing a stupid stunt - when this person is older and he wants to get a good job, would the recruiter be impressed by this?
• Discuss a news story online - how do we know if this is real or made up news?

I found this amazingly useful advice and have started implementing it with my 8yr old now even though they dont have social media access yet.

OP I think you have the better approach. If she is under your care then maybe you can limit in other ways. I can block sites via my router (doesn’t work if she has data), I also use screen time limits and have rules about where tech is allowed in the house, at meals and while we are out.

I've just heard a court case where an 11 year old was sending and receiving explicit pictures on Instagram and Snapchat, with a 22 year old man. A friend told her parents about it, hence ending up in court.

It was hard for my initial reaction to be "how did an 11 year old have unfettered access to these apps".

You are not in the wrong here. That is the very sad reality of children being allowed to use apps that are not designed for them. Both instagram and SnapChat say you have to be 13 to have an account, and I would have that as my absolute lowest age limit, and then from 13 judge it on your own children.

Mine are 14 & 11 and don't have SM. (14 has had the choice but declined) YouTube isnt restricted but they know what is acceptable.

I think you have every right to apply the same rules to your DSD when under your roof to prevent her breaking the rules by sharing inappropriate material to your children and to keep the peace.