Torn about night away

[Needlepointy]

I have 1 DS (20) and 1 DSS (13). DS is from a previous relationship, so not my DH s. We all generally get on well.
DSS is here part time, EOW and 2 nights a week. DSS mum and stepdad have a holiday home which they go to most weekends and long weekends.
DH has booked a week off work and wants me, him and DSS to go away to a theme park for a night. DS works full time and no holiday time left.
My issue is that we have never taken just DS away, it's always been 4 of us. If I've ever suggested going out or a meal, it's always when DSS is here. If I want to do something with DS ( rare now he's an adult) DH wouldn't come.
I just feel really wrong in doing something that he wouldn't do with DS and that it's unfair for me to go away and leave DS alone while we're at a theme park. I think if we'd done it for both then fine, but we haven't.
I think I've included all necessary information !
Any thoughts?

Why not ask DS if he would like to go if you were able to go when he isn’t working (at 20 he might not fancy it!). If he would like to go then I’d explain to your partner that you’d love to go but it’ll have to be on a weekend to fit around DS work.

Or if you don’t fancy it just say, no thanks I’ll stay home with DS, you and DSS have fun!

He's 20 and won't care?

I know he won't care about going. It's the fact we are doing something with DSS that we've never (through DHs choices) done with him.

Just say you don’t want to go if you don’t want to? Presumably your dh isn’t deliberately suggesting doing this because your ds can’t go, so it’s just circumstances because dss is on holiday.

I do understand what you’re saying, that you and dh have never taken just your ds away for the night, but it’s your dh job to include his son and your job to include yours. Have you asked to just take your ds away before and he’s said no because he wants his ds to come too? You could (and possibly have) have taken your ds away by himself when he was younger. And at the ages they are now where your son is an adult it’s not really relevant anymore.

I don’t think there’s any issue in your dh suggesting this, but equally there’s nothing wrong with you saying no thanks. It doesn’t stop him going if he wants to.

Have you explained exactly what you’ve put in your post to your husband? What did he say? I think you’re being entirely reasonable and fair to everyone.

I see what you are saying and I would agree if your son was younger, but he is an adult - I really wouldn't worry. If you would all enjoy the theme park trip then do it, and maybe suggest you, DH and your son going away or on a day/night out at a different point, say if there is a film he would like to see that isn't suitable for DSS, or a restaurant he'd like or a place he would like to visit or whatever..... Could be a birthday present for him or something?

Your husband surely wouldn't have a problem with this, if you are willing to go away with his son when your own son can't make it?

The inclusion of step children is to ensure children are treated the same. The dynamic has changed now as ds is an adult.

So typically in first/step families holidays would naturally keep happening with the younger children and the older ones would do their own thing.

I don't see the issue as the difference is due to adulthood?

Again, he's 20 and won't care. If he does he's odd and needs to grow up.

&Ilovelurchers - the OP has already explained that her DH refuses to do anything with her and her DS that does not involve his DS.

I agree with you OP, he would never have agreed to do this with your son, so don’t do it with his. It doesn’t matter if your son is now 20 - he wasn’t 20 all the times you wanted your DH to go away with just you and him at times when DSS was with his mum.

Sorry that was to @Ilovelurchers

That would piss me off tbh

Just leave them to go together. I completely understand why you don't want to given that your husband wouldn't do the same.

How long have you been together? If you say something like 5+ years and he refused to do it when your DS was a teen then I’d refuse to go and I won’t play to double standards.

If you have only been together since your DS was an adult then 18+ then I’d probably go.

No, I wouldn't go. He can take him on his own just like you had to for years with your poor DS when DP had no interest in joining.

I’d decline.

Double standards are being asked for. I would not go.

How long have you and DH been together?

Same. I'd say no thanks.

He can't have it both ways.

I wouldn't go and would be very irritated too.

3 at a theme park doesn't work.

Stay home and you and DS have some treat take aways instead!

I’d feel the same in your situation and wouldn’t go. Your ds hasn’t always been 20 so it’s not fair to start changing the family way of doing things just because he’s an adult now. It’s irrelevant that he wouldn’t want to go. He could still be hurt by things being done differently for his step brother than it was for him.

There’s no reason why your husband and dss can’t do the trip on their own.

I understand the disparity makes you uncomfortable. Talk to DS, is he bothered? You have the choice, to go, to stay home, to ask to postpone until DS can be included.

There’s a 7 year age gap, I think it’s normal to do some things with younger children that you never ended up doing with the older one when there’s a big age gap. My parents took my youngest sibling away on holiday on his own, they never took any of the rest of us away alone but that’s because we grew out of family holidays before him. Your DSS has still got 5 years of childhood whereas your DS is an adult, are you just never going to do anything nice with DSS now because DS has outgrown these things?

Why not stay at home? It doesn’t sound like fun anyway?

you could take your own DS out for dinner and have a nice time together?

Step family dynamics are hard - don’t beat yourself (or your husband) up over this.

Agree with you OP - I wouldn't go.