Torn about night away

[Needlepointy]

I have 1 DS (20) and 1 DSS (13). DS is from a previous relationship, so not my DH s. We all generally get on well.
DSS is here part time, EOW and 2 nights a week. DSS mum and stepdad have a holiday home which they go to most weekends and long weekends.
DH has booked a week off work and wants me, him and DSS to go away to a theme park for a night. DS works full time and no holiday time left.
My issue is that we have never taken just DS away, it's always been 4 of us. If I've ever suggested going out or a meal, it's always when DSS is here. If I want to do something with DS ( rare now he's an adult) DH wouldn't come.
I just feel really wrong in doing something that he wouldn't do with DS and that it's unfair for me to go away and leave DS alone while we're at a theme park. I think if we'd done it for both then fine, but we haven't.
I think I've included all necessary information !
Any thoughts?

@Needlepointy
If your life is about tit for tat then you should just tell your husband that you do not want to you and why (so that he won't make the mistake of planning a trip of this sort again).

It is hard to think of a problem related to leaving a 20 year old adult in the home. At age 20, I would not have wanted to go to a theme park, and I would have been delighted to have the house to myself.

My parents were together, and I at age 20 would have wondered what was up if they were hesitant to take younger siblings on a trip without me.

OP , just tell your spouse that you would prefer to stay at home. He may be disappointed, but certainly he can handle his son on this trip without you.

,@Mari9999
It's not about tot for tat, it's the fact any time op suggested doing any thing with her ds it was always wait to dss is here, he never done anything with just her and her ds when he was younger, so why all of a sudden is it OK for dss to get the treatment her son never got just because her son is 20.

@Needlepointy
Sorry but I would not go, your son might be 20 but does not mean he would not notice the difference, tell your dh to tat along to the theme park on his own with his son, and if he asks why you don't want to join in I would be telling him why.

That isn't the OP'S point though.
The point is that DH flat refused to take the OP'S son out as a thresome, even though he lived there full time.
There would have been so many missed opportunities over the years due to his Stepdad being churlish (and childish! Who even thinks in such a strange way? 🤨)

I'm with you OP.

Don't go and tell DH that you have some lovely plans with DS

He wants you there as a mother figure to his son, but wouldn't do the same for your son.

*Why not stay at home? It doesn’t sound like fun anyway?

you could take your own DS out for dinner and have a nice time together? *

Yes, this would be nice.

And I definitely wouldn't want to go to a theme park with one teenager.

I wouldn't go and I would tell dp exactly why. He can't have it both ways, he's set rules about what you do or don't do when dss is/isn't there and it's completely fine for you to follow those rules with your ds. Also agree that a theme park with 3 doesn't work, there will alway be someone going on rides by themselves and chances are it'll be you op.

It’s not really about the DS - he’s an adult and probably isn’t remotely bothered. It’s about the OP and her relationship with her DH. And, I have to say, I understand where she’s coming from. I don’t think I’d go either. Her DH set the rules and now he gets to live by them when it doesn’t suit him for once.

I think it depends on how long you and your partner have been together as that changes the dynamic of the situation. If it's been a while and your son was 13 or so and your partner wouldn't go then I probably wouldn't go with his son either as he's set the tone. Have you spoken to him about it?

It’s fine not to go IMO.

DH had the boundary that he wouldn’t do X,Y,Z without his child which is fine.

Hopefully when your DS didn’t miss out when younger as you’d do the activity anyway, same applies here.

@Babyghirl
It could be that OP'S husband subscribes to the belief that all minor children should go on trips together. The only minor child left in the home is the OP's stepson. If all other trips activities were put on hold until both boys were available that is consistent with taking all minor children

The older son is now an adult and no longer a minor child in the household.

This.

Why have you not challenged this?

What have you answered when your husband refuses to do anything with your son?

This is on you.

You have allowed this situation to arise and continue unchallenged.

How did you marry a man who wont do a single outing with hour child?

Your poor son.

I can only imagine how clearly he sees all of this.

Really awful.

To go ahead an marry someone like that is unfathomable to me.

@Mari9999
But when op son was 13,14 her dh never wanted to do anything as just a 3 piece, she suggested days out with her her son and dh and he rejected as it was not fair, so why should his son now get the treatment he refused for her son when he was that age, doesn't make it OK cause her son is now 20.

I wouldn't go

@Babyghirl
The difference is that when both kids were minors he insisted that they do things when both minor kids were present. I am not saying that this was necessarily the right or best practice, but he was consistent in the practice. As minors both kids were taken on these excursions.

Now there is only 1 minor child in the household so the Op's husband is still consistent in saying that the minor child gets to go on the outing.

The OP is an adult and if she feels that this is somehow unfair to her adult child, she should refuse to go.

Frankly, I cannot imagine an adult child wanting to go on this particular overnight excursion.

Frankly, I cannot imagine an adult child wanting to go on this particular overnight excursion.

But that isn't the point. He's not invited. Whether he wants to go or not he's not going because the OP's husband says so.

For what it's worth I've got a 19 year old and she would definitely want to go with her family to a theme park.

My 19 year old is recently back from a boys holiday where the absolute highlight was their multiple trips to a fantastic waterpark.

We have brought ours multiple times as children and teens and they adored it.

Holiday highlight.

So sad when women allow their children to be poorly treated, just to have a man in their lives.

@billy1966
The only way the OP's son was poorly treated would be if the OP had decided not to take her son on a trip or excursion because her husband refused to go. That then would have been a decision made by the OP ,and it would have been no different than the condition made by her husband regarding his participation.

I completely disagree with you.

Marrying a man that refuses to participate in any outing with only you and your son is an appallingly poor decision IMO.

Not only would he not go away for a night, he wouldn't so much as share a meal with only the two of them.

Why would any woman do this?

How could any woman be so desperate for any man, that she would actually marry him when he wouldn't so much as share a meal out with her son?

Completely unfathomable to me.

Her poor son.

@Mari9999
I disagree with you also, giving her son is 20 now his son is 13, so when her son was 13 his son would of been 6, so different ages for different days out, so it was bad of him to not join her on days suitable for her then 13 year old and not his 6 year old, but now his son is 13 he wants her to do the things with his son that he refused to do with her son, would be a clear no from me.