Not attending wedding

[Beanqueenie76]

Hi, just wondering what anyone's thoughts are about not attending stepdaughter's wedding?
Lots of historical issues and I have really taken a battering over the years.
The past three years I have kept stepdaughter at a good distance. This has been really good for my wellbeing.
Anyone else in this situation?

I think it depends on whether you have any wish to have a relationship in the future. Not attending a family wedding that you have been invited to is a real statement and not one I think an already tricky relationship will probably recover from.

Don’t go if you don’t want too. protect your own mental health.

Unless she has done something monstrous I’d just go. Snubbing someone’s wedding is probably the end of a relationship, which I wouldn’t do lightly.

Her mental health might well face a lot more stress from the fall out if she doesn't go, frankly.

Go. Do the right thing. It'll be. Busy day for her and you will easily avoid heated situations. And never be alone with her, always make sure her dad is in the same place as you are when interacting with her going forward.

If she and her mother have treated you like crap then of course don't go, why would you?

We do not have a relationship anyway.
SD has told me in the past she's not someone she would have chosen for her Dad"
I would also say SD has not really invited me.
Spoken to hubby about my feelings so it's not a shock nearer the time next year.

Well has she invited you are not or does she assume you will go with your husband? I mean don't go it doesn't sound like she likes you that much so you won't really be missed and there will be no tension at the wedding.

If you don't have a relationship with her and you think there will be drama then don't go. On the other hand, if you do go it will be to support your dh. Whatever you decide, make sure its for the right reasons and remember it's the bride and groom's day.

Not clear whether or not you’re actually invited. Sounds very clear that you don’t want to be there and as you don’t have a relationship that’s fine and sensible. What’s your husband’s view of it all?

SD and I have not engaged in anything major for some years now.
Although a recent visit, to where they live wasn't very pleasant.
I really didn't want to go, but did to show willing for my husband.
Her behaviour toward me was no different than past behaviour.
I was made to feel uncomfortable, not welcome and as if I had no place being around them.

SD has asked her dad to attend and no mention of me. Which this makes it slightly easier to be firm in not attending.
Of course husband says he would like me to be by his side. But certain behaviours should have been addressed years ago.
I totally agree this is her day and she should have her dad by her side.

Has your DH raised it directly with his daughter as to whether you are invited?

Are you even invited?!

You haven’t even been invited.
Fucking disgusting to not get an invitation that you were going to turn down. She’s stolen your thunder. It’s not fair!!
Time to go NC, after you’ve had chance to flounce of course.

SD has asked her dad to attend and no mention of me. Which this makes it slightly easier to be firm in not attending. well yes. And you'd be out of order to gatecrash

To be honest it sounds like you are not invited, I would just keep repeating to DH that you have not been invited and they you cannot attend a wedding that you have not been invited to.

If you don’t want to go OP then I honestly wouldn’t give the wedding / SD any more thought.
Have a nice day to yourself. Feel no guilt. Some people just aren’t nice and aren’t worthy of your thoughts / time / worries. This doesn’t change because the person in question is a SC.

Thank you for all your comments.

Very much appreciated.
I am not going and will have a much better day doing something else 💛

That's a really good point 🤣
I had not even given that a thought.
I would look a right plonker declining something that I had not been invited to attend.
Thanks for this 😉

Thanks

Of course you're not going. You aren't invited!

I have this rule that works, I never turn up at a wedding to which I've not been invited. I also don't spend time wondering whether I should turn down invitations that I haven't got. Works for me.

Honestly, if I wasn't invited I'd be booking myself a week-end away like a city break or something to 1. take my mind off it and 2. so i wouldn't be available if the bride and groom changed their minds.

From the other perspective… my stepmother has chosen not to be much of a part of my life the last few years - I’m inviting her to my wedding because it’s the right thing to do for the family and especially for my dad, I don’t want him to be alone on the day & I want him to know I’m open to a relationship. It will be hurtful if she doesn’t come.

In her position, I would suck it up for a day and socialise with the people she likes, I would be polite and welcoming, make sure she’s seated with people she would be comfortable with etc. However, I’m not confident I’ll get an acceptance! I’ve been in weddings where an ex’s family have been there, family members I don’t get on with…partner’s friends I don’t know… I’ve managed to grin and bear it for a day.

OP needs to speak to her husband and find out if she is invited, and if he wishes she would come. Then she can make a decision.

Don't go. No good will come of it. Even if your DH tries to guilt you into going, just don't. Tell him to go and have a good time and enjoy himself, but stay well away.