Stepdaughter selfish ?

[blossom2231]

Me & partner have a 5 month old baby. He has a 13 year old daughter from previous relationship.
He has 50/50 custody but most of them she either doesn't want to come to our house at all or she will stay 2 days maximum and demand to go back to her Moms. So out of a month, I'd say she stays with us about 7 days spread out.
We've just moved from our 2 bed into a 3 bed as the baby needs their own room now.
We have 2 very large rooms and the 3rd is tiny.
Partner has took it upon himself to let the teenage have the 2nd biggest room and our baby has to have the small room.
Am I being totally unreasonable but is this seriously unfair?!
Our baby lives here EVERYDAY. She will soon need space to place, space for actual furniture and toys/ play equipment.
The teenager is hardly here and she has NO belongings at ours. She refuses to keep things here, and just lives out of bags whilst here.
My partner says it's not up for discussion and it's also too late as she's been told she's got the big room now.
I'm really annoyed about it.
My mother says to bide my time because very soon he's going to be faced with the prospect of no space for baby's belongings and he won't like the fact all her toys will be in the living room, so just sit back and wait.
What do you think??

The resident child should get the bigger room 🙄 plus the baby will have far more crap to store. You are paying half of the bills OP come on. Do you defer to him for everything? You are the mother to your child. You put your child first.

I would be fuming too. Why is it not up for discussion? Is he paying all the bills? Is it just his house? The resident children need the bigger bedrooms end of.
But I'm also in agreement with your mum, give it 2-3 years she will probably not come anymore and then you'll have a reason to swap them. Or just start using the bigger bedroom as storage and your husband will soon get the idea. Put baby's wardrobe in there etc.
Total Disney dad

This would really make me lose respect for my DH. There are no excuses for letting a 13yo sit on TikTok for 12 hours a day rather than actually parenting them.

I don't like the way he just decided for you, but I actually would have done the same. Your baby is a long way from playing independently in their bedroom - my son is 4 and most toys still get brought out to (or kept in) the living room.
I'd go with your mum's advice, but also make it clear to him that you expect to be consulted about decisions that impact your child in future

I've got older kids and a little one (different marriages). They all live with me (when home) but even if they didn't I would give the older ones the bigger rooms while the little one was very little because - as PP have said - babies don't need much space! Even once a toddler/young child, they don't play in their rooms much anyway (play downstairs near you). I would not worry about this. Your partner is trying to make his daughter comfortable in your home in her own space, which is really important to teens. He's a good dad. That's a good thing. Hopefully you can also make SD feel welcome when she's at yours.

I have spoken to him calmly today. He doesn't think turfing DSD out of her bedroom will help her mental health or wanting to come over at this stage. He has agreed that when DD is around 18 months when she accumulated a lot more things, we will swap them.
In the meantime, I will make a point of jam packing her room with belongings so he takes the hint, as I've a feeling he may have said the above to placate me.

In response to above, he doesn't allow his daughter too sit on TikTok all day- he has no choice. He has tried parenting. He offers to take her anywhere she wants to go. Not interested. We try and "make" her go, even to fun places, she cries when there, makes the whole experience miserable for everyone, and demands to go back home.
When he has refused to take her home in the past, once home, she will lock herself in the bathroom for hours, and won't return back to our house for weeks on end. If he tries to talk to her at her Moms, she will lock herself in the bathroom there.
I know this behaviour is ultimately the parents fault, but now we are at this stage, he's trying his best.

I don't have any biological children, although we are trying. I have 2 step children, from my DHs first marriage.

No plans to move home yet, but we've already agreed that if there was to be a new baby, we'd either move, or do a loft conversion with equal sized bedrooms for the kids, so that the full time child could have the original second largest bedroom.

Honestly she sounds so miserable - something sounds really wrong with her mental health & comfort level when staying with you and her Dad. Probably worth your husband trying to take her to some counselling as it's really worrying about how upset and miserable she seems - I feel for her as a now grown up child of divorced parents where circumstances were awful & I too was miserable and had a hard time. She is only 13, and she clearly needs more help/support somehow - I don't think passive aggressive packing of babies room will help anyone here in the long run - please don't do other things to make your SD pay for the situation- none of this is of her making

At my dad and stepmums house I had the biggest bedroom, my brothers had the smaller rooms (dad and stepmums children) youngest had the box room - I did however keep a lot of things there, when I got to 17/18 and started spending less time their my stepmum asked me if my brother could have the bigger room and could I have the box room. The baby doesn’t need a big room for now, I suspect your DH is trying to make his daughter feel wanted, especially as he now has another baby. Shes 13, she is going to be selfish, and she will likely prefer staying in one place so she can see her mates etc. your husband should have discussed the room sitch with you of course. But she’s 13 cut her some slack

This is nothing to do with DSD. Who made DH king of the fucking house. And, why should women have to 'bide their time' ffs in order to have a say? You are equal partners - equal fucking people ffs. Stop pandering to these men.

Just store all the babies items in her room. She can sleep in a bed in there with it all until she turns 18 and then switch the rooms.

So many people assuming SD will happily give up the room when she’s 18 or that her dad would agree to it.

Rooms for adult non resident step kids are always an ugly minefield on here, they’re supposed to have a dedicated room even if they haven’t stayed over in years till they have their own home. Why should mum have to house them? Why would they be pushed out cos they’ve gone to uni the holidays are so long! Etc etc etc.

oh my god the amount of people that think its okay for step children to have such space in their 2nd home no she shouldn't have the biggest room and i saw a stupid comment about putting YOUR BABIES stuff in a cupboard my advice to you if your fella is out at work change the rooms around yourself don't listen to stupid people who aren't in your situation and do what you can for your babies. the rest isn't your issue your babies are good luck Hun it sucks to be a stepparent when the EX is a nightmare and there daughter follows suit its just horrid i was in the same situation but i ignored everyone and put my foot down and now i have no issues at all.

So I have taken the opposite approach to bedrooms here. I am a sm of pre-teen who is here EOW and have a baby on the way. I have a different take on this. Babies/small kids don't generally need loads of space, private space and they don't really notice if they have the small room when they are little. They just want to feel secure.

We have told my sd she can keep her bigger room and baby will sleep in small room. By the time she is 18 our lo will have just started school and at that point there is a conversation to be had about rooms and I know my SD will be mature enough to accept and understand that.

If we got her to swap rooms now it was send a message to her that she is relegated to second place and she has just started high school, lots of change. Plus she doesn't get to live here all the time so already at risk of feeling pushed out.

I think it's worth stepping back and seeing the bigger picture of your family. If your stepchild is part of your family, doesn't matter how often they are there. They are still part of the family and for the greater good and harmony, compromise is sometimes good. Especially because she only has a few more years before adulthood.

She's shoved from pillar to post and has little control over her life. It sounds as if she does not come first with anyone and her dad is acknowledging that she is the eldest but it's all symptomatic. She's sounds quite disturbed and TBH the size of the bedroom is not the hill to die on. I think that she could do with some support and understanding.

Why put their “stuff” in other areas when there’s a space not being utilised? That’s illogical.

Maybe she doesn't feel very welcome. You don't sound like you like her very much .
Also a baby doesn't need a big bedroom at all

I disagree babies don’t need big bedrooms. They have so much stuff. Cot and a feeding chair is the equivalent of a normal bed (probably takes up more space than a single bed). Clothes, nappies, changing table etc.

You only have to take a baby away overnight to realise they have lots of stuff!

Vs someone who doesn’t live there and doesn’t keep any belongings there. What do they need to occupy space for?

I had the same situ as OP when I had my first baby. He had a room so small the cot had to be propped on the space over the stairs hatch. I couldn’t have a feeding chair and messed up my back with the smallest one the space would allow. His clothes had to go in another room which meant I would disturb SS when he did stay as they shared a wardrobe in there (which pissed him off).

We were lucky to room and all of the children have their own equal sized bedrooms so there was no competition. But we still use wardrobe space in SS’ room for coats etc as otherwise it would sit empty and what’s the point of that?

Babies really don't need all that stuff. Cot and a single chest of drawers is all mine ever had. Cot should be with you for the first 6 months anyway, and clothes can be stored wherever there is space.
It's a child with a full fledged personality and feelings vs a baby who is entirely unaware of what a bedroom even is.

She is 13 has engaged with MH support and you are blaming the parents. Nice! She sounds completely overwhelmed and her poor parents are probably terrified of making a misstep and escalating MH.

She has had her life turned upside down with a sib appearance at 13 always a challenge. She needs consistency, understanding and support.

And by the way the 13 year old in front of you is not a great indicator of 18 year old that will be.She will find her path, they all do.

Baby will only sleep in their room for years and I would keep toys away from sleep area to help sleep hygiene.

Because it is being utilised - by the 13 year old child.

Edit: Oops, I hit reply instead of quote. This was in reply to someone who quoted me.

See above message

Make your small room into a bedroom for baby. Get a playmat and storage baskets for toys. Keep them in a cupboard in SD’s room. Shen she’s not there, bring it out, and use it as a playroom.

Why waste that space 5/7 days a week?

It’s not. She hasn’t got any belongings which she keeps there. So it’s not utilised.

I have had children. I am not just speculating- I disagree. I benefited with a comfortable feeding chair for my second and was v uncomfortable with night feeds for my first because I didn’t have room for that.

Things can be stored in a different room. That doesn’t mean they should.