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Original poster

Stepdaughter selfish ?

114 replies

blossom2231 · 02/08/2023 13:48

Me & partner have a 5 month old baby. He has a 13 year old daughter from previous relationship.
He has 50/50 custody but most of them she either doesn't want to come to our house at all or she will stay 2 days maximum and demand to go back to her Moms. So out of a month, I'd say she stays with us about 7 days spread out.
We've just moved from our 2 bed into a 3 bed as the baby needs their own room now.
We have 2 very large rooms and the 3rd is tiny.
Partner has took it upon himself to let the teenage have the 2nd biggest room and our baby has to have the small room.
Am I being totally unreasonable but is this seriously unfair?!
Our baby lives here EVERYDAY. She will soon need space to place, space for actual furniture and toys/ play equipment.
The teenager is hardly here and she has NO belongings at ours. She refuses to keep things here, and just lives out of bags whilst here.
My partner says it's not up for discussion and it's also too late as she's been told she's got the big room now.
I'm really annoyed about it.
My mother says to bide my time because very soon he's going to be faced with the prospect of no space for baby's belongings and he won't like the fact all her toys will be in the living room, so just sit back and wait.
What do you think??

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HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 02/08/2023 13:52

She's 13, so realistically it's only until she's 18/19, and then baby will be 5/6, so you can then suggest the switch? Or maybe you'll have moved again by then? I'd also bide time and just see what happens as baby gets older and toys accumulate. Maybe there can be a cupboard for baby in the bigger room for storage, honestly you've loads of options on how to set this up, and he does need his older daughter to feel welcomed & this is a good way to do that. Tough call I agree but for harmony sake maybe let it go

MNetcurtains · 02/08/2023 13:53

blossom2231 · 02/08/2023 13:48

Me & partner have a 5 month old baby. He has a 13 year old daughter from previous relationship.
He has 50/50 custody but most of them she either doesn't want to come to our house at all or she will stay 2 days maximum and demand to go back to her Moms. So out of a month, I'd say she stays with us about 7 days spread out.
We've just moved from our 2 bed into a 3 bed as the baby needs their own room now.
We have 2 very large rooms and the 3rd is tiny.
Partner has took it upon himself to let the teenage have the 2nd biggest room and our baby has to have the small room.
Am I being totally unreasonable but is this seriously unfair?!
Our baby lives here EVERYDAY. She will soon need space to place, space for actual furniture and toys/ play equipment.
The teenager is hardly here and she has NO belongings at ours. She refuses to keep things here, and just lives out of bags whilst here.
My partner says it's not up for discussion and it's also too late as she's been told she's got the big room now.
I'm really annoyed about it.
My mother says to bide my time because very soon he's going to be faced with the prospect of no space for baby's belongings and he won't like the fact all her toys will be in the living room, so just sit back and wait.
What do you think??

Your baby has no need for anything other than a nursery sized room at this stage. Don't sweat it.

SemperIdem · 02/08/2023 13:54

He is a Disney dad - trying to placate his daughter through any means necessary and entice her to come more often.

I am of the same opinion as you - children who live in the property permanently should have the bigger bedroom, and younger children, with their tendencies to have lots of toys etc, also should have the bigger bedroom.

Why does he think he can just tell you what is happening? That’s really poor form.

LemonLimeDivine · 02/08/2023 13:58

SemperIdem · 02/08/2023 13:54

He is a Disney dad - trying to placate his daughter through any means necessary and entice her to come more often.

I am of the same opinion as you - children who live in the property permanently should have the bigger bedroom, and younger children, with their tendencies to have lots of toys etc, also should have the bigger bedroom.

Why does he think he can just tell you what is happening? That’s really poor form.

This.

ZekeZeke · 02/08/2023 13:59

Your baby doesn't need a large room.

If you give your step daughter a small room and the baby a big room it will alienate your step daughter even more.

Anyway, pretty soon your stepdaughter won't want to visit anyway.

Floofydawg · 02/08/2023 14:01

Oh dear this will not go well..

MintJulia · 02/08/2023 14:03

HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 02/08/2023 13:52

She's 13, so realistically it's only until she's 18/19, and then baby will be 5/6, so you can then suggest the switch? Or maybe you'll have moved again by then? I'd also bide time and just see what happens as baby gets older and toys accumulate. Maybe there can be a cupboard for baby in the bigger room for storage, honestly you've loads of options on how to set this up, and he does need his older daughter to feel welcomed & this is a good way to do that. Tough call I agree but for harmony sake maybe let it go

This.

By the time your dd starts school, you'll barely see your dsd. So let it ride for the moment. Choose your battles

SemperIdem · 02/08/2023 14:05

Just come back to add - it’s not your step daughter being selfish here - she’s been offered the bigger room of course she will accept it, your partner is the problem.

excelledyourself · 02/08/2023 14:07

I don't necessarily disagree with your point about the room, but I don't see how your thread title reflects anything you've written, since you've made absolutely no mention of the SD's thoughts, only your partners.

Why is she getting the blame?

Beamur · 02/08/2023 14:10

SemperIdem · 02/08/2023 14:05

Just come back to add - it’s not your step daughter being selfish here - she’s been offered the bigger room of course she will accept it, your partner is the problem.

This.
Your Mum is right. Say nothing to your SD for now. Your baby won't really use a bedroom except for sleeping in for a while anyway.
Have a serious chat with your DO about making unilateral decisions without speaking with you first. He's being very unhelpful here.

234vhh · 02/08/2023 14:10

The big girl needs the bigger room for now. Review when baby is older - like 4ish.

Horrible enough for her to go through a separation of her parents - her dad is wanting to make it as welcoming as possible for her and I fully support that. Baby/young child doesn’t need space of their own in terms of emotionally until much older. Their ‘stuff’ can be in the other areas of the house for years and years.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 02/08/2023 14:10

How is she being selfish when it's your partner making all the decisions and refusing to be sensible?

Talipesmum · 02/08/2023 14:10

SemperIdem · 02/08/2023 14:05

Just come back to add - it’s not your step daughter being selfish here - she’s been offered the bigger room of course she will accept it, your partner is the problem.

Absolutely this. This is entirely your DH’s fault, not your step daughter’s.

Newjobformoremoney · 02/08/2023 14:11

You have a DH problem, not a DSD problem.
I would follow your mums advice.

Mumof4plusbonus · 02/08/2023 14:11

I agree your baby has more need for the bigger room but won’t really care. My biggest issue would be your dp saying it’s not up for discussion! Why does he get the say?

aSofaNearYou · 02/08/2023 14:12

I'm sorry, it's "not up for discussion"?? Who the hell does he think he is??

I agree with you about room division - it makes no sense for the child with no belongings there to have the big room and by the time your child is a toddler, this will be very apparent, but it's that statement that I would be fuming at. He sounds like he considers himself the Lord of the household. Very concerning indeed. I'd be tempted to move the baby in to that room, tell him it's "not up for discussion" as this is apparently how decisions are made in your household.

Original poster
blossom2231 · 02/08/2023 14:15

excelledyourself · 02/08/2023 14:07

I don't necessarily disagree with your point about the room, but I don't see how your thread title reflects anything you've written, since you've made absolutely no mention of the SD's thoughts, only your partners.

Why is she getting the blame?

Sorry, I wrote it all in a hurry. He gave her the bigger room and then later he told me she had asked for it. I know that's not her fault because he should have discussed with me first.
I think she's selfish in general. She doesn't want to be here much as it is, and won't keep any belongings at ours. In my 7 years of being with her Dad, she doesn't want to keep anything here. He bought her all new things especially to keep here- pyjamas, toiletries, PlayStation , Alexa etc... she has taken them all to her Moms. Her room consists of a bed and an empty set of drawers and wardrobe with a tv.
I have no idea why she doesn't want to be here. Her mother takes her nowhere. We take her out whenever she is here. She gets everything she asks for from her Dad.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 02/08/2023 14:15

234vhh · 02/08/2023 14:10

The big girl needs the bigger room for now. Review when baby is older - like 4ish.

Horrible enough for her to go through a separation of her parents - her dad is wanting to make it as welcoming as possible for her and I fully support that. Baby/young child doesn’t need space of their own in terms of emotionally until much older. Their ‘stuff’ can be in the other areas of the house for years and years.

This really depends on your house. I've never had a house big enough to have DD's things all over (on top of DPs work stuff), so guess where they all were in my old house where my DSS had the big room? In his room. Because that was the only place with space - and there was space because he's rarely there so has very few things at our house. It just isn't a practical way of doing things.

And this was before DD was 4, pretty much as soon as she wasn't a baby.

MeridianB · 02/08/2023 14:15

Baby will presumably be in with you for the first year. Then perhaps reassess. Because if DSD isn't coming much at 13, she will be coming even less at 14 and beyond.

Much more crucial here is this:
My partner says it's not up for discussion and it's also too late as she's been told she's got the big room now.

This is outrageous behaviour. Is he often like this? And do you own the home together? I'd start with zero tolerance for this.

Thisismynewusername1 · 02/08/2023 14:17

234vhh · 02/08/2023 14:10

The big girl needs the bigger room for now. Review when baby is older - like 4ish.

Horrible enough for her to go through a separation of her parents - her dad is wanting to make it as welcoming as possible for her and I fully support that. Baby/young child doesn’t need space of their own in terms of emotionally until much older. Their ‘stuff’ can be in the other areas of the house for years and years.

Issue is though you’re storing up a bigger problem for down the line,

give the older child the big room now, fair enough baby doesn’t need space.

however, if the plan is to switch when they’re older, how do you think that will go down?

dsd being made to move out of “her” room and into a small box room for the baby. That’s going to be an enormous problem.

one consideration is guests. We had twin beds in the bigger room, so the baby had that with the logic that they could bunk in with us when we had guests. Then although sdc had the smaller room, they never had to not come or sleep on the sofa if anyone stayed.

Darkandstormynite · 02/08/2023 14:22

blossom2231 · 02/08/2023 14:15

Sorry, I wrote it all in a hurry. He gave her the bigger room and then later he told me she had asked for it. I know that's not her fault because he should have discussed with me first.
I think she's selfish in general. She doesn't want to be here much as it is, and won't keep any belongings at ours. In my 7 years of being with her Dad, she doesn't want to keep anything here. He bought her all new things especially to keep here- pyjamas, toiletries, PlayStation , Alexa etc... she has taken them all to her Moms. Her room consists of a bed and an empty set of drawers and wardrobe with a tv.
I have no idea why she doesn't want to be here. Her mother takes her nowhere. We take her out whenever she is here. She gets everything she asks for from her Dad.

Show quote history

Maybe she's picking up on the fact you don't like her and doesn't want to be there? the fact you're calling her selfish on a public forum (when it's clearly her dad whose created the situation) probably manifests itself in other ways non-verbally to her. She just may not feel comfortable there.

If you feel negatively towards her why would you want her around more?

Silvered · 02/08/2023 14:26

She's 13. Selfishness is part of the growing up journey.

You are not 13, so what's your excuse? There is zero empathy for this kid in your posts.

tattygrl · 02/08/2023 14:27

I think logically you are correct, but actually that this is a really good way of your partner demonstrating to his daughter that she is valued, and that she has a real home at your house. This is very important for stepdaughter and her relationship with her dad. No, she might not utilise all of the opportunities she gets to spend time with her dad and you, and no she probably doesn't show gratitude and appreciation very well - she's a 13 year old teenager. That's normal. Doesn't mean you can't encourage it and try to teach it, but it's normal. The baby will utterly not care what room they're in, and won't for a long, long time. I don't think this is a hill worth dying on.

Beautiful3 · 02/08/2023 14:31

I would put the cot, drawers and changing mat up ready in the small room. Then store toys another changing mat, boxes of nappies/wipes etc in the living room. He'll crack and swap the rooms over.

234vhh · 02/08/2023 14:34

blossom2231 · 02/08/2023 14:15

Sorry, I wrote it all in a hurry. He gave her the bigger room and then later he told me she had asked for it. I know that's not her fault because he should have discussed with me first.
I think she's selfish in general. She doesn't want to be here much as it is, and won't keep any belongings at ours. In my 7 years of being with her Dad, she doesn't want to keep anything here. He bought her all new things especially to keep here- pyjamas, toiletries, PlayStation , Alexa etc... she has taken them all to her Moms. Her room consists of a bed and an empty set of drawers and wardrobe with a tv.
I have no idea why she doesn't want to be here. Her mother takes her nowhere. We take her out whenever she is here. She gets everything she asks for from her Dad.

Show quote history

Abuse/sexual abuse - witnessed or experienced herself - other childhood trauma with capital or lower case t, breakdown of trust or feeling of safety for some reason. There’s loads of reasons she might not want to stay with her dad and she might not even be able to talk to herself about them yet, let alone anyone else.