Stepdaughter selfish ?

[blossom2231]

Me & partner have a 5 month old baby. He has a 13 year old daughter from previous relationship.
He has 50/50 custody but most of them she either doesn't want to come to our house at all or she will stay 2 days maximum and demand to go back to her Moms. So out of a month, I'd say she stays with us about 7 days spread out.
We've just moved from our 2 bed into a 3 bed as the baby needs their own room now.
We have 2 very large rooms and the 3rd is tiny.
Partner has took it upon himself to let the teenage have the 2nd biggest room and our baby has to have the small room.
Am I being totally unreasonable but is this seriously unfair?!
Our baby lives here EVERYDAY. She will soon need space to place, space for actual furniture and toys/ play equipment.
The teenager is hardly here and she has NO belongings at ours. She refuses to keep things here, and just lives out of bags whilst here.
My partner says it's not up for discussion and it's also too late as she's been told she's got the big room now.
I'm really annoyed about it.
My mother says to bide my time because very soon he's going to be faced with the prospect of no space for baby's belongings and he won't like the fact all her toys will be in the living room, so just sit back and wait.
What do you think??

If SD didn't exist would you have given baby the bigger room? Or would you have made a cosy nursery in the small room and set up the bigger room as a guest bedroom/home office or whatever?

My 4 yr old granddaughter still chooses to play mostly downstairs, in the living or dining room, near her parents. Toys in her bedroom are played with maybe first thing, or before bed, or if parents are upstairs. Also, a lot of her toys are stored in plastic boxes and rotated so it doesn't really matter where those boxes are stored - her bedroom, cupboard in spare room or shelves in dining room.

Have you seriously just casually posted that the op’s partner might have sexually abused his child?

Where did the poster say that?

She said abuse it witnessing abuse could be a reason, nowhere did the pp say her father did it.

After I'd been raped being around males was traumatic for me. And that included my dad and my step brother. I told nobody until my 30s, my relationship with my dad and his wife was shit for various reasons and I didn't tell anyone because I knew he'd blame my mum. (And he did)

Saying abuse could be a reason is not the same as saying the dad is the abuser.

Sounds like the decision was made by your DH so your title asking if SD is being selfish is definitely unreasonable because none of this appears to have been your SDs decision.

Exact same thing happened to me. But by year 4 hubby saw sense we could barely fit any toys in my little girls room so time for a swap round then

Second post on here today about a selfish man bully who thinks having an older child gives him the right to dictate bedroom assignment to his partner. As a step mum of many years I can’t understand the mentality at all. As a person in a relationship I wouldn’t tolerate being treated as someone with no right to an opinion in my own fucking home.

Who made him boss?

I'm of this same opinion.

My DD is 4 and she uses hers a lot. More to the point, her stuff is in there and there is nowhere else it would fit. I posted upthread that before we moved house, the vast majority of DDs things were in DSS's room, as he had the larger one from when we moved there when DD was just a baby. It only took a few months before we needed that space for her stuff.

What do people think of that? Which do you think is better for the DSD, having her own room decorated to her tastes, or one that is full of their younger sibling's toddler stuff? Because that is the reality behind making decisions like this one.

Quite right!

I think it’s more than the OP has tried to make stepdaughter feel at home and actually stepdaughter has just taken everything to her Mum’s - it can be disappointing and you get to a point where you think what more can we do here to encourage stepchild to feel at home here too.

@10oclock I can't see where you're getting that from either. OP hasn't mentioned a single thing that she herself has done for the SD.

Not saying she hasn't, but not seeing anything in what she posted that explains it like that.

By nature of being a step-parent, I am sure OP will be doing lots for SD!

At 5 months old you have years until your child can play away from you unaided so there isn't really a need for a big bedroom unless you plan on spending all your time in it too. It makes more sense to give the teenager a bigger room so she has a space to escape too. Has her dad asked her why she doesn't want to stay? I do think your dh was wrong to tell you what was happening rather than discuss it but I do agree with his decision

@10oclock well you can only be as sure as any of us based on what OP tells us, because all she's told us is that the SD is selfish for taking stuff her dad (not OP) bought her to her mums, and for taking a room her dad told her she could have.

Baby can have toys in the living room and play there. Plus if necessary you can keep some of their clothes in SD's room or your room.

I actually think your DH is right to have this set up (until DSD is 18) BUT he's been so outrageously bossy. It should be a joint conversation.

Im assuming he pays for the house 100% and does 50% of the childcare? Because that's the only way I can see him justifying this attitude.

I can see why on the face of it it doesn't make sense for SD to have the bigger nicer room and the baby to have the small one .

However I can also see that your dh is probably trying to cling on to what remaining relationship he has with his daughter and doesn't want to risk rocking the boat even slightly over this. At 13 the slightest thing annoys them and if there is a chance her having the smaller room would be used against him by her even more then I can see why he wants to avoid it.

People will say she shouldn't be pandered to and etc, but she is a 13 year old girl, not known for their rational thought and for whatever reason hasn't got over the divorce properly. Your DH needs to keep hold of his end of the rope with her, and if giving her the bigger room helps that in even a small way, then that's what should happen.

The baby honestly won't care anyway. And yes to storage solutions for the babies stuff in the big room if needed.

I can see why she might ask for the bigger room, being the elder child, but this absolutely should have been discussed between adults before agreeing!

Just wondering re: taking playstation/Alexa/pyjamas to mum's... Did dad explain to her that he got these things to make her feel more comfortable/at home at this house? E.g. did he ever ask why she wouldn't like to keep them there?

Also seems odd that DP and ex wouldn't have enforced some kind of routine where she spent x number of nights at dad's per week, rather than relying on DSD feelings about it.

He did ask. Her answer, as to most questions, was "I don't know". He left it there. If he presses her too much, she cries and wants to go to mums.
Both Parents don't enforce anything. What DSD says - goes. They would never force her to come here if she didn't want to. When asked why she doesn't want to come- "I don't know".
In response to another comment, I didn't realise I'd have to post every little thing on the original post, but everything I've ever bought her has disappeared.
Which is disheartening. I've bought her loads of cat ornaments, placards that hang off doors, all room based items, to make her feel at home, but alas.
I doubt she'll be moving away to uni at 18, she's not interested in studying. She doesn't have any friends.
She is "happy" to sit on TikTok for 12 hours on her bed. Why she needs the bigger room to do that, I'll never know.
She isn't interested in decorating it. We've asked.

I understand that her Dad is trying to make her come here, so he'll bend over backwards.
I do think it is very unfair that I can't make that big room amazing for DD and eventually put all the toys etc I want in there for her. It's seems a Total waste of a room to keep it barren just because DSD says so.

Oh, and I pay 50% of bills.
Nevermind, I shall bide my time. I will buy huge play equipment and store it all in the living room and we shall see how long it lasts.

No, my DH is not abusing his DD. We don't have any answers but I'm sure it's the same reason why all her friends have decided they hate her, and she's been kicked out of 2 schools. She refuses to speak to anyone in the house and has been this way before I was even pregnant.
When we took her to NYC like she asked for, she wanted to go home as soon as we got to the airport.

Apologies if I come across like I don't want her at the house, but if she clearly doesn't want to be here, I fail to see how she can be rewarded the bigger room when she is never here!!!!

Oh dear. She sounds very unhappy and neither parent is stepping up to find out what’s causing this/instilling some boundaries?

it’s a tough situation, Op, and I can see why you’re frustrated. From your update, the room issue is just the tip of the iceberg.

I do think it is very unfair that I can't make that big room amazing for DD and eventually put all the toys etc I want in there for her.

You realize that if you indulge in a big beautiful decorated amazing room for the baby - which I understand why you’d want to, it’s your precious first born and creating lovely spaces for them is a pleasure - but you’d put all your emotional loving energy into the youngest and it would make her older sister feel left out and more isolated.

It’s just 4/5 years until she is 18 - at which point switching to the smaller room would be a very reasonable ask for an adult child who will be probably going to college or university (don’t write her off yet).

Make a gorgeous little nursery for now.

And make a wonderful teen room for your step daughter. It will make a difference in years to come even if you can’t see it now.

You don’t like her very much, do you?

what’s to stop you from creating a gorgeous room for DSD and a lovely one for DD? Just because it’s the smaller room, doesn’t mean it can’t be lovely.

You're right. It's just everything. She has seen a school counsellor, the GP, and now some more mental health people.
But it took years for both parents to do anything about it.

I will make it a lovely small room.
We have run through ideas with DSD of what we can with room. I suggested a big mural or arty and cat things.
She actually got upset that time and said she didn't want it. When we ask what she wants- "I don't know". When we take her out to look for things to buy- gets upset, wants to go home.
Everything I bought for the room has been removed back to her moms

She just sounds really sad and overwhelmed. My DS (similar age) would also answer ‘don’t know’ if asked how he wanted his room, but when I sat with him, talked through colours, discussed layout etc (over several weeks) he got really excited. Could you do that together? She might also want to help do her little sister’s room?

It sounds like it’s too overwhelming for her - if I was you I’d come up with some designs - two or three at the most for colour / furniture etc and let her know she’s got a choice, but if she doesn’t want to choose then you’ll go with option A.

You can make the space wonderful with lighting and permanent features, and then you’ll know you’ve done your best - you’ll also have a decent guest room - and then you can concentrate on your little one’s space.

Try not to hold on to the frustration and resentment that you feel about her moods and manner right now. She’ll definitely feel it from you, and this is just such a short period of life - think about the many years to come where you’ll want your child/ren to have a good relationship with their older sibling.

I'm going to buck the trend here and say that the resident child should get the bigger room. They live there every day while SD is only visiting and presumably has a whole other room with her mum. Why should she get 2 while OPs child gets only one small room?
I'd argue switching in a few years is more aggravation. This is a new house so easy to set it out now and decorate the smaller room as SD likes