At what age did SC stop coming regularly?

[littlepeac]

DSD is 10, 11 in December. Already quite independent where she lives with her mum in regards to going to town with her mates etc.

They live a fair distance from us, over 400 miles. So we only have her for half terms, 3 weeks in summer, the full Easter and alternating Christmas/new year.

DP is panicking that she won't want to come down this often soon because of socialising aspects back at home.

When did you give DSC the choice? Baring in mind the distance, we can't just pop out for dinner in the evening to see her etc.

Maybe the mum should of taken into consideration the relationship her child will
have with her dad too instead of moving 400 miles away. Any damage will be just as much the mums fault.

It isn’t relevant. The OP was asking about something else and you wanted to stick your two pennies in.

My dh child is nearly 14. We have him twice weeknights and once every weekend . Last 6 months he has been making excuses not to come at least once if not twice a week

I love this! Thank you.

No, you are quite wrong. I'd say you are wanting to stick YOUR two pennies in. In my first post I merely asked which parent chose to move 400 miles away, nothing more. I didn't give an anti-OP opinion, I just said it's very hard to maintain a relationship with a child at that kind of distance.

My parents split when I was 13 and we never did the whole two houses thing. I lived at home full time. It just didn’t feel like it would work living in two places, in two different towns miles apart.

No. Its what any decent parent would consider if the wanted a proper relationship with their child.

You can't control the actions of others only your own.

Personally yes I would expect him to consider his existing child before then thinking about having further children which tie him down away from his first child.

The OP said she was a domestic violence victim who returned to the support of her family. Her moving may well have protected the child.

Apportioning blame is really the point. The fact is that in most cases, the best thing for the child would be both their patents to live fairly close to each and this intensifies as they get older. It also benefits the adults because it allows them to be flexible with each other more easily.

It's entirely predictable that being far apart would lead to a lesser relationship with the NRP, as well meaning that the child can't join in with any weekend clubs unless they barely see their NRP.

I wonder if sometimes motivation for the move is for the RP to gain more control or for the NRP to duck out of responsibility.

I think about 13/14 kids should get to decide a bit more

I think it entirely depends on the child.
Some kids will be independent from early teens and others will need the apron strings cut for them.

She still didn’t need to move 400 miles away though!!

Yes I would agree in most cases. Given the circumstances of the move in this particular situation and the fact the DH entered a new relationship with someone who had ties to a different area, I think it's on him tbh.

The youngest two SC stopped staying overnight at around 14/15yrs, the eldest was 19, but did end up staying with us 4 nights a week at one point. It was easier for him to get to work from our house and he liked being with us.

16 or 17, but with flexibility around social events

Your posts @Willyoujustbequiet are ALWAYS against the father and the step parent, without exception. Even in this situation where the mother moved you are still blaming the father. Your projection is palpable.

My first sentence was tgar apportioning blame wasn't helpful. You say you agree them immediately apportion blame 😂

I’d let her invite a friend on some occasions if that’s possible, it would mean you spend less 1-1 time with her but better than her not coming at all!

On this post or in general?

Because in general they aren't. I speak as I find on the individual circumstances.

I agree with the bulk of your last post I replied to. Your first sentence in that post doesn't say that.

Your reasoning remains ridiculous but 10/10 for persistence.

Following your 'logic' @Willyoujustbequiet, and the extremely high standards of dedication you believe parents should adopt, surely you would lay responsibility on the dm? It was she who "selfishly" entered a relationship following her separation from the child's father which resulted in her having to move 400 miles to escape dv.

Do I think the dm is to blame for moving in this scenario? Of course I don't!! But if you follow your twisted logic about the df and his decision to remarry then you would.
It's a complex situation that was out of the df's control. And to hold him and his 2nd family responsible for the geographical distance is (as I said before) bonkers.

My DDs friends started to resent going away every other weekend at about 11. Felt like they were missing out on things at home.

Utter nonsense.

The dm escaped domestic violence and possibly protected the child in the process. The df knowingly entered into a relationship that kept him in an area hundreds of miles from his existing child. He is responsible for his own choices about where he chose to live and be tied to. She is not responsible for the fact that a man chose to be violent towards her.

Please don't bother engaging because despite your protestations it reads like victim blaming.

The whole point is there is no reason to apportion blame at all.
It's not a situation where blame applies, despite your determination to do so.
The df staying put, may have been just as valuable a decision for the dd as the dm's decision to leave.

He may well have considered moving but perhaps he considered that the dm might return in the future when she was safe to do so. Perhaps there are extended family in the df's location and him staying put enable her to maintain those relationships when she visits. Perhaps there are maternal family members local too. Perhaps moving would have had a detrimental impact on his employment and income which would negatively impact on his dd's life. Perhaps ...... Who knows? You most certainly don't.

Sometimes it's just not about blaming anyone!