At what age did SC stop coming regularly?

[littlepeac]

DSD is 10, 11 in December. Already quite independent where she lives with her mum in regards to going to town with her mates etc.

They live a fair distance from us, over 400 miles. So we only have her for half terms, 3 weeks in summer, the full Easter and alternating Christmas/new year.

DP is panicking that she won't want to come down this often soon because of socialising aspects back at home.

When did you give DSC the choice? Baring in mind the distance, we can't just pop out for dinner in the evening to see her etc.

My sympathies, must be tough having such a big distance. My ex and I are walking distance and this holidays my 11 year old has started to re-appear at mine for an hour or two. She has also started to sleep an extra night at her dads without her sibling as she enjoys the 1:1 time. I think she’s struggle being away from her activities (Competitive sport) for more than a week at a time.

Depending on all your relationships it might be worth having an honest conversation. It might be that the longer holidays can be cut down to 10 days or that you can find a local holiday cottage and have a week down there to mix it up a bit.

One of my stepsons lived with us and the other did after 16, but I think in your case she will start feeling hesitant after 14 as she'll be getting independent etc. It depends what you all do when she's visiting - how 'fun' she thinks it is, and the bond you all share.
Does she have any friends there or is it just you and her Dad?
If she starts to refuse to come he will have to make more of an effort to go to her.

Quite.

And if you are the parent who moved 400 miles away and your teen doesn't want to leave their social life, then you travel the other way to see them surely?

This.

If his child is his priority perhaps he needs to consider moving closer?

This is such a shit response.

Why can’t the mum consider moving back when she was the one that moved?

Eldest was 20. Youngest still coming 3 nights a week at 16.

I would not want to be 400 miles away from my children. It would be impossible to facilitate any kind of relationship once they start not wanting to come, which will probably be in the next few years.

You haven't detailed why you all live so far apart, I know you've said the mum moved, but not why, so maybe she had to, we don't know; anyway, I think if I was the dad, I'd be wanting to lesson the gap even if the mum moved away for no good reason. So I'd start trying to work out how to do it now, as it'll only be a few years away.

Unfortunately mum moved away a long time ago, before I was involved in their life. So I don't know the ins and outs. Partner couldn't move also because of work.

And we all can't just move up there now, we have children and I also have a 11 year old son. So not as easy. We make things work as best as we can. It's not ideal. We know this.

Mum moved due to domestics violence (not my partner!) so went to live with her family and she never moved back.

But as I said, I'm not sure of the whole story and what happened. It was before me.

But we make things work as best as we can! Dsd currently loves staying here as we do lots of things but she has mentioned that she misses out on social things. That's why I asked! We probably need to be less selfish and more flexible with her now she's getting older.

Ok. So good decision of hers to move back to family; and you have sound reasons yourself for staying put. This problem has arisen because of the decisions your dp made in the past, and yes, I'd say he was selfish. He is panicking now but he's just reaping what he sowed. In a few years time, the best he can probably hope for is that she will join you all/him on holidays.
My dds are 13 and 15 now, their dad moved half an hour away. It is their choice now and he gets to see them if he takes them on holiday somewhere (they don't want to stay at his house, there's nothing there for them) or he is welcome to come to mine and take them out/stay in with them if I'm out.

We’re 150 miles (mum moved and funnily enough we couldn’t uproot our lives for her mums life decisions) and the holiday visits continue as a 15 year old. We have also done trips near there and made it a holiday by staying somewhere about 45 minutes away with her with us obviously. Some extra flexibility has been needed to fit in with her social plans as wr know that at that age friends are important and we’re going to need to think about what to do when it’s exam time

@arethereanyleftatall im confused what was selfish about the dad not following the mum he was separated from across the country? Was he supposed to just leave his job? What if then the mum moved somewhere else? Should he just follow?

This problem has arisen because of the decisions your dp made in the past, and yes, I'd say he was selfish.

Why was dad selfish by not moving and following his ex partner and child 400 miles away from his work and his life? Probably to a brand new area he had no links to, no friends and crucially no job?

It's not selfish to chose to stay put rather than making yourself unemployed and without a home.

@arethereanyleftatall how do conclude the dad was selfish and is now reaping what he has sown??

Selfish is when you think only of yourself and what you want and not other people.
So, I think the ops partner wasn't thinking about the long term effects on his daughter, who lived 400 miles away, when he made the decision to start a new family with the op. It was a decision which meant that he would be unlikely to ever be able to move closer to his daughter, or to spend large amounts of time/money to ensure good contact.
MN is quite split on this - I consider my now teenage dds in all decisions I make with eg potential boyfriends, but I know many on MN make different choices.

How was he to know his ex was not going to move again??
Moving 400 miles might have been the worst decision he could have made at that time.
You are bloody quick to pass judgement.

No, you've misunderstood me. I didn't say he was selfish to not follow around after his ex and child. I think the selfishness comes in making the decision to start a new family with someone who is established 400 miles away. It meant that from then on, he would be unable to ever move closer and his money and time would now be shared.

My ex chose to move to another country nearly 900 miles from his dd who was 13 at the time. Dd is autistic and at that time was unable to go to school let alone travel to a country where she knew no one and didn't speak the language. That was selfish.
Staying put after an ex moves 400 miles is a completely different scenario

You expect the ex to put his life on hold because at some point in the future he might move to be closer to his dd. That's bonkers

Well, the decision he made will now result in the fact that he will barely see his teenage daughter. That's the reality that the ops dp is facing now. All decisions have consequences.

Not 'put life on hold' but yes I do think we should take in to consideration the children we have when we make decisions to make more.

I didn't say he was selfish to not follow around after his ex and child. I think the selfishness comes in making the decision to start a new family with someone who is established 400 miles

So, you do think he should have put his life entirely on hold!

Unless he moved 400 miles to live near his dd, this situation was always going to arise. No decision he has made has caused this.

I do think we should take in to consideration the children we have when we make decisions to make more

Well I agree with that principle. I just don't see how in this situation it was unreasonable for the dad to establish a second family whilst remaining in the original location of his first.

Both SD have only just stopped coming regularly, at almost 18 and 20. Their mother is furious and wants them to still stick to the schedule as she likes her time alone. 😁
I’m enjoying having a calm, tidy house.

We’re only 5 minutes away from them though and both drive so they’re able to pop over and see their Dad when they like.

We still see dsc pretty regularly but I think this is only the case because dp and his ex made a commitment that they would both stay in the same area until the children grew up. I don't understand why so many parents don't do this. It's so much better for everyone concerned!