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Original poster

At what age did SC stop coming regularly?

80 replies

littlepeac · 29/07/2023 17:53

DSD is 10, 11 in December. Already quite independent where she lives with her mum in regards to going to town with her mates etc.

They live a fair distance from us, over 400 miles. So we only have her for half terms, 3 weeks in summer, the full Easter and alternating Christmas/new year.

DP is panicking that she won't want to come down this often soon because of socialising aspects back at home.

When did you give DSC the choice? Baring in mind the distance, we can't just pop out for dinner in the evening to see her etc.

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LindorDoubleChoc · 29/07/2023 18:02

Who moved away from who? Maintaining a relationship with a child who doesn't live with you is hard enough but over 400 miles it's pretty impossible.

I know a man who moved to Australia for 20+ years to be near his children after his divorce (his ex was Australian and she chose to moved back home).

Original poster
littlepeac · 29/07/2023 18:04

LindorDoubleChoc · 29/07/2023 18:02

Who moved away from who? Maintaining a relationship with a child who doesn't live with you is hard enough but over 400 miles it's pretty impossible.

I know a man who moved to Australia for 20+ years to be near his children after his divorce (his ex was Australian and she chose to moved back home).

I didn't ask for this opinion but if you need to know, mum moved away. We had DSD more but the travel was too much. So now it's just school holidays.

OP posts:
CornishGem1975 · 29/07/2023 18:29

My own DC are late teens (we have 50/50) and they still prefer to keep that schedule. If my SC want to maintain their 50/50 schedule at that age then that's fine. We'll always be led by what the children want.

Marblessolveeverything · 29/07/2023 18:34

My partners Children stopped coming around 13+ , they had a lovely group of friends that they spent a lot of time with.

We changed our arrangement to having shared activity in between the homes so regular contact was maintained.

We also invited a group of them in occasion for micro festivals in our fields.

Original poster
littlepeac · 29/07/2023 18:49

Marblessolveeverything · 29/07/2023 18:34

My partners Children stopped coming around 13+ , they had a lovely group of friends that they spent a lot of time with.

We changed our arrangement to having shared activity in between the homes so regular contact was maintained.

We also invited a group of them in occasion for micro festivals in our fields.

That's such a lovely idea!

I told my DP that as she's only 10-11 that maybe for the next two years we stick to the schedule but if there is anything social like parties etc then we can try and accommodate these. Maybe we'd have her at the end of the week if it were at the beginning etc. it's hard!

He does go and visit her too when he can but it can be very expensive.

OP posts:
nobodygoesdowninthejungle · 29/07/2023 19:04

I'm coming at this from a different perspective of teens visiting grandparents, something they loved to do when little but is now seen as dull as there is nothing to do and, crucially, they don't have any friends near by.
Fortunately the grandparents live in a tourist area so there is some kudos to coming here and some very different activities to those available at home. What is working this summer is to have booked the teens onto a course. They're with similar aged people and get to actually do something.
When they're visiting later in the summer, we've co-ordinated it with family friends whose children I grew up with and conveniently had children around the same time as I did and who are happy enough to rub along together for a few days each summer. The grandmothers are great friends and slightly worried themselves about keeping the grandchildren happy and occupied so are quite happy to sit together in the rain and spectate whilst the DC do some activities.

Prettypaisleyslippers · 29/07/2023 19:20

I’m 48 and they’ve still not got rid of me….

LindorDoubleChoc · 29/07/2023 19:31

What do you mean you didn't ask for this opinion? It's obviously relevant in your highly unusual circumstances. Most parents don't choose to live 400 miles away from their children.

missingthewinchesterboys · 29/07/2023 19:58

@LindorDoubleChoc but it's not relevant to the question OP is asking.

Op is not complaining about the distance or wanting to change anything. She is asking when the kids might want to change contact.
Distance is only discussed because the normal suggestions or meeting for dinner or quick sessions outside of contact are harder. Who made the move is completely irrelevant to this post and smacks of step parent baiting.

Op I think it's natural for you DH to be worried about the kids not wanting the same contact as they get older but he's wishing that time away.

One contact at a time I say. The suggestion of booking them clubs etc with you is a good one.

Are they scouts or guides? If they were or want to be they might be able to join in with the one local to you when they are with you- get them interacting with local kids so they have friends in your area too.

Anothernamethesamegame · 29/07/2023 20:02

I suppose when she starts saying she doesn’t want to come or that she wants tot stay home to be with friends. I’d let it be partly child led.

Possibly your DP visiting her every other time might start working out better. I get that it is expensive but if twice a year he went to her and paid for a hotel for a few days would that be doable?

CornishGem1975 · 29/07/2023 20:12

Actually I don't think it's step-parent baiting to ask who moved and I'm a step parent. It's should be considered.

BlossomCloud · 30/07/2023 00:02

Can you book some holidays where you stay near her so she can still see friends?

AlternativeFarm809 · 30/07/2023 00:31

SS is 14 this year and while we don't live too far, we're a 20 minute drive on the opposite side of town and he's never made any friends our way. So for the last 18ish months he's decided if he's coming or not and its not very often he comes now because he either wants to be out with his mates or he's at cadets.

toomuchlaundry · 30/07/2023 00:36

@missingthewinchesterboys joining scouts or guides probably won’t work as they are normally term time only so wouldn’t be doing anything when DC are with OP. Also there are usually waiting lists so would only want children who can commit regularly. There may be holiday clubs but probably defeats the object of DC visiting

Bouncyball23 · 30/07/2023 01:04

My ds is soon to be 16 goes out with his mates whenever he wants but his dad and step mum still drive 150miles one weekend a month to pick him up it is more in school hols he stays 2 weeks in Sumner hols and does 4/5 days in half terms never moaned about going its always been this way so he's used to it now I expect.

Baconisdelicious · 30/07/2023 09:42

Who made the move is completely irrelevant to this post and smacks of step parent baiting

it is relevant…you can’t really complain about how often you see your child if you’ve moved 400 miles away to be with a new partner…context is everything.

BlossomCloud · 30/07/2023 09:47

Baconisdelicious · 30/07/2023 09:42

Who made the move is completely irrelevant to this post and smacks of step parent baiting

it is relevant…you can’t really complain about how often you see your child if you’ve moved 400 miles away to be with a new partner…context is everything.

Agreed.

blondiedebs · 30/07/2023 09:48

I stopped at 16
DB stopped at 11

coodawoodashooda · 30/07/2023 09:50

Prettypaisleyslippers · 29/07/2023 19:20

I’m 48 and they’ve still not got rid of me….

That's one of the most cheerful mn answers I have ever read.

BoohooWoohoo · 30/07/2023 09:52

My nearly 17yo still has the same schedule but his dad allows him to invite a friend round for stays of a few days. He lives in a very different area to me and skateboarding along a beach promenade rather than suburban skateparks appeals to him and his friends.

saraclara · 30/07/2023 09:54

Baconisdelicious · 30/07/2023 09:42

Who made the move is completely irrelevant to this post and smacks of step parent baiting

it is relevant…you can’t really complain about how often you see your child if you’ve moved 400 miles away to be with a new partner…context is everything.

Except OP isn't complaining. She's just asking a question.

BHRK · 30/07/2023 09:55

i know it’s expensive but it’s only for a few years. Could you make it exciting for her by taking her on holiday? Get her involved in the planning, stretch to a water park if you can etc. if you make it fun rather than just staying at your house, she might be more likely to come. Other things might be taking her to a theme park for the day near her, inviting a friend to yours for a week so they can hang out etc

toomanyleggings · 30/07/2023 09:55

16 ish

Theimpossiblegirl · 30/07/2023 09:56

It sounds like you're trying to find a good balance with parties etc.
I agree with offering a friend to stay as well if you can. Not every time, but it might help.
To be honest, you come across as a caring stepmum and hopefully have a good relationship. This will make all the difference.

Baconisdelicious · 30/07/2023 09:59

Except OP isn't complaining. She's just asking a question

she’s mentioned changes in contact patterns because of the distance, not being able to pop out and have dinner with the child in question, and a partner who is worrying about how things will be as his child moves into adolescence. The response is, inevitably, going to be different depending on why there is such a distance.