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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I dislike my step daughter

59 replies

CatMum96 · 23/07/2023 13:12

I've known my step daughter (11) since she was 18 month old. We got on well at first and I loved her to pieces, but as she's gotten older I'm finding myself really disliking her.

Shes taking on more and more of her mothers traits, and her mother was physically and sexually abusive towards my husband, and still is verbally and emotionally abusive towards him, and me at times. She's started talking to us in the same tone her mother uses, belittling everything we say and do. Nothing is ever good enough.

She refuses to eat anything other than sweets, crisps and chocolate, which we cannot feed her here because we have 2 young children that don't get to do the same.

She wants to stay up all night on her tablet, then causes merry hell when the Internet disconnects, waking up the other children. Or she will try and sleep in until midday, and get vicious if she's woken up before then by the goings on in the house.

She expects everything but will do nothing to help. For example, she just drops rubbish where she stands and expects us to pick it up, but won't lift a finger around the house.

She refuses to wash or brush her teeth so she smells pretty horrible, but you can't force her to wash. She's racist, homophobic and bigoted, just like her mother, and I have LGBT family members so that doesn't sit well with me.

Now it's the summer holiday we are expected to have her alternating weeks and I just can't do it. I've tried talking to my husband but it just dissolves into an argument. Our other kids don't want her here. I don't want her here. If she behaved like this as an adult, I wouldn't associate with her.

I know that I Do not have to like my stepdaughter, I just have to try and be a decent parent, but that's so very hard when I'm afraid of her!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 23/07/2023 13:14

Why isn't her father dealing with her behaviour?

FayCarew · 23/07/2023 13:14

Divorce your husband then she won't be your step-daughter. Why isn't he disciplining her?

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 23/07/2023 13:16

Go away with your dc and leave him to his dd..
Yanbu to refuse to be around her...
Plan a different future op. But he prepared to parent alone. He will be too busy with his dd to help you..

noglow · 23/07/2023 13:40

Ah the tweenage years. Hopefully she'll mellow a bit. In the meantime remove yourself from the situation as much as possible.

Original poster
CatMum96 · 23/07/2023 13:42

He's tried parenting her but because her mother doesn't, she's unresponsive and violent towards any attempts

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 23/07/2023 13:56

Are you expected to 'look after' her? The simple response here is that YOU will not have her alone, or alone with your kids. Her father MUST be present. He will need to book her into clubs etc whilst he's at work but you do not want, and will not tolerate her being left with you.

You cannot continue to have this around your kids.

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 23/07/2023 15:38

Your dc will expect similar upbringing op. Get rid of both of them.

SemperIdem · 23/07/2023 15:40

How much does does she spend with her dad vs her mother?

I would be encouraging my spouse to go court over this. This child, who granted sounds as though she is very unpleasant, is being done a huge disservice by her parents. Her mother for actively turning her into what she is now, and her father for seemingly passively allowing it to happen.

Mumof4plusbonus · 23/07/2023 18:55

This would be bad enough at 16 but she’s 11! How has it been allowed to get to this? Why is the tablet not took off her by 9? Why is she getting away with being abusive? Yous need to stand up to her and show her who the parents are before this child is lost forever. How often do you have her? Your children are watching how you handle this behaviour as much as they are watching the behaviour.

readingismycardio · 23/07/2023 19:18

This is tough, OP. For now, I'd refuse to engage and let DH sort it.

billy1966 · 23/07/2023 19:33

LittleOwl153 · 23/07/2023 13:56

Are you expected to 'look after' her? The simple response here is that YOU will not have her alone, or alone with your kids. Her father MUST be present. He will need to book her into clubs etc whilst he's at work but you do not want, and will not tolerate her being left with you.

You cannot continue to have this around your kids.

This.

Protect your children from her.

THAT is YOUR response.
Like a lot of men with children from a previous relationship, your husband is suiting himself.

You do NOT have to care for HIS child.

I feel for your children in all of this.
It sounds miserable for them.
THEY deserve better.

hippopootamus · 23/07/2023 20:42

noglow · 23/07/2023 13:40

Ah the tweenage years. Hopefully she'll mellow a bit. In the meantime remove yourself from the situation as much as possible.

Her age is not an excuse for such awful behaviour.

Moredrama · 23/07/2023 22:14

OP I feel for you. My SD has picked up a lot of her BMs behaviour and caused some issues, but not to the extreme you’re experiencing.
My SD mum has a battle on her hands now as SD is playing up at home and she’s getting fed up of it (you reap what you sow).
Key thing to remember, which is hard I know, is that it’s not SDs fault that her BM is raising her this way.

If your DH isn’t challenging this behaviour and trying to put boundaries in place then tell him he needs to do the childcare himself.
If he is actively trying to deal with her behaviour but hitting a wall due to BM not being supportive of it, then he needs to tell her any childcare on days he can’t do she will have do arrange herself as you’re not doing it.
You can’t afford for the younger children to be following her example

noglow · 23/07/2023 22:16

hippopootamus · 23/07/2023 20:42

Her age is not an excuse for such awful behaviour.

Show quote history

Some of it sure I agree, never any excuse for racism. But some of it - not washing. Being rude. Can be normal stuff to go through. I'd try and seperate the smelling and not washing from the behaviour that is unacceptable. Hopefully she'll realise from school it's not on.

uneffingbelievable · 24/07/2023 02:42

You hve tried to reason with your husband that he should not have his daughter in her home everyother week.

Can not think why that went badly

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 24/07/2023 02:52

SemperIdem · 23/07/2023 15:40

How much does does she spend with her dad vs her mother?

I would be encouraging my spouse to go court over this. This child, who granted sounds as though she is very unpleasant, is being done a huge disservice by her parents. Her mother for actively turning her into what she is now, and her father for seemingly passively allowing it to happen.

My thought too. Not so much OP needing to encourage him but he should be trying to help her and that means going to court and seeking to have her most of the time. If I was OP though and he got this I'd be moving out for a bit while he sorts it. I wouldn't want that behaviour around my kids, I think it's very understandable, but that poor child doesn't stand a chance if her Dad doesn't try and step up and fix this. She's only 11.

Annaishere · 24/07/2023 04:27

All that’s really stood out to me here is that she won’t wash or brush her teeth. You have to try to help her with this

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 24/07/2023 06:06

Annaishere · 24/07/2023 04:27

All that’s really stood out to me here is that she won’t wash or brush her teeth. You have to try to help her with this

That's all that stood out for you? Seriously?

Annaishere · 24/07/2023 06:12

For an eleven year old it was the worst thing. She’s either neglected or depressed and needs some help

Annaishere · 24/07/2023 06:12

(@OrderOfTheKookaburra )

Northernmumoftwoboys · 24/07/2023 06:22

I think he behaviour is a massive cry for help. Does her mother have a partner? If so, I would question what they were like, although from the sounds of it, her mother is the problem. It's your house, your rules. You need to sit her down and explain how her behaviour is not acceptable. Ask her how she feels. Does she find it difficult to come to your house? Are things not great at home? Is there anything you can do? Be compassionate rather than dictatorial and she will open up to you.

PrinceHaz · 24/07/2023 06:23

This is her father’s role to deal with. It sounds untenable as things standard you might need to split from him as he doesn’t seem likely to step up and do what he needs to do.
It also sounds, from what you’ve written, as if she needs assessment e.g. for ASD. I’m thinking this because of her hair washing difficulties, food preferences, extreme distress re: night time lack of internet, sleep pattern and her attitude to the authority of adults.

Bonniethewestie · 24/07/2023 06:26

Hmm I think a bit differently here as you’ve been in her life the entire time and so are responsible for her too. At this stage it she is your daughter too.

Its going to be super tough when her mum is providing such bad parenting but I think you will have to find ways to deal with it.

Think you might have to get tough and set rules for when she’s at your house (tablet taken away at a certain time - make it quite late so it’s not ‘unreasonable’, no snacks unless she’s eating properly etc). Your hubby has to help with this. However, I think you will also have to try and get back your old bond, do something just you two, work out things she wants etc. It sounds incredibly tough but I think some battles are just not worth having (E.g. sleeping in until midday).

The homophobia and racist stuff sounds sounds terrible. I think you are going to have to have a frank discussion with her about that and say this is really shameful behaviour and she won’t have any friends if that’s what she goes around saying.

Totaly · 24/07/2023 06:28

I wonder if you’ve picked the correct cause?

Maybe she has a mental issue?

Some parents don’t see any issues because they are the same and see the same traits, so rather than taking after her mother she could be ill like her mother?

Have you sort professional help for her?

CurlewKate · 24/07/2023 06:35

Poor child. She sounds utterly miserable. Who's helping her?