I dislike my step daughter

[CatMum96]

I've known my step daughter (11) since she was 18 month old. We got on well at first and I loved her to pieces, but as she's gotten older I'm finding myself really disliking her.

Shes taking on more and more of her mothers traits, and her mother was physically and sexually abusive towards my husband, and still is verbally and emotionally abusive towards him, and me at times. She's started talking to us in the same tone her mother uses, belittling everything we say and do. Nothing is ever good enough.

She refuses to eat anything other than sweets, crisps and chocolate, which we cannot feed her here because we have 2 young children that don't get to do the same.

She wants to stay up all night on her tablet, then causes merry hell when the Internet disconnects, waking up the other children. Or she will try and sleep in until midday, and get vicious if she's woken up before then by the goings on in the house.

She expects everything but will do nothing to help. For example, she just drops rubbish where she stands and expects us to pick it up, but won't lift a finger around the house.

She refuses to wash or brush her teeth so she smells pretty horrible, but you can't force her to wash. She's racist, homophobic and bigoted, just like her mother, and I have LGBT family members so that doesn't sit well with me.

Now it's the summer holiday we are expected to have her alternating weeks and I just can't do it. I've tried talking to my husband but it just dissolves into an argument. Our other kids don't want her here. I don't want her here. If she behaved like this as an adult, I wouldn't associate with her.

I know that I Do not have to like my stepdaughter, I just have to try and be a decent parent, but that's so very hard when I'm afraid of her!

Why hasn’t he been to court to try and have her full time?

Jesus, that poor child. Neither parents are able to be an actual parent to her.

What stood out to me is that OP keeps comparing her to her mother. You have to stop that- the child is not her mother. Whatever the mother did, it isn’t the child’s fault.

Why has your husband neglected to parent her?

This. There is no other option.

Your dh will (rightly) want to see his dd. Even if he sorts out her behaviour, it will take some time and ruin your summer

You have younger children to protect, as well as yourself. Rather than a family holiday this year, organise cheapie weeks in little cottages in the country and take your dcs off whenever she is due.

Perhaps it will force your dh to do his job.

You need to agree on reasonable behaviour while at your house.
You and your husband on the exact same page.
DSD needs her own list and needs to have it read out to her so that she is not confused.

Can you agree on
Some Rules ..
-out of bed by 9:00 am and to bed by 9:00 pm
-bathing every second day
-brushing teeth morning and night
-picking up own rubbish
-one hour of screens per day and phone and tablet stored/locked away from 8:00pm each night
-no disrespectful language
-eating (trying each item on plate) the family meal each night
-pitch in and help when asked, for the running of th family

Some Rewards ..
-one junk food treat per weekend
-pocket money each weekend
-an activity or outing of choice
-friends to visit
-favourite meal cooked (if not pure junk food)
-a dog or cat (if you think that would be cared for well)

Some Consequences.
-looses phone for 3 hours
-an amount docked from usual pocket money
-doesn't get to attend movie or outing
-doesn't get to visit friend
-goes to bed an hour earlier than usual

Seek professional help if you need to. The child is likely to be very rebellious because she has had no boundaries.
Set up a routine of a daily walk to a park where you can have the chance of listening to SD and using some energy while being immersed in greenary and fresh air.

He needs to continue to parent her giving in doesn't help anyone. Set rules for all family and if she doesn't follow them consequences. Everytime. Plus lots of fun and nice stuff when she's behaving.

If he's not willing to do that I would consider splitting as it literally sounds awful. At very least I think I would be out most of the day each weekend.

Just remember she's 11 she is the product of her environment and parents (and that includes your house)! It's not her fault if she is not being parented.

Blimey. I would tell my DH he needs to maintain contact outside of our home if she's behaviour is that bad.

That is not normal teenage behaviour and I actually think you need to protect you’re own DC from such a toxic environment. I know this will be shot down but I wouldn’t want her around my DC as it stands.

Op, what has changed in the 6 months between this thread and your current one. You didn’t want your dsd anywhere near you or your dc and said you were afraid of her. Now you seem keen to take her on holiday with you in term time. Has your relationship improved?

What on earth has her father done? He is as responsible as her mother. She is 11 is appears been brought up by an emotionally abusive mother and her father should be fighting tooth and nail to remove her - I would!

Your dsd has been let down by both parents.

I am sorry but in your position for your children's I would divorce.