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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I dislike my step daughter

59 replies

CatMum96 · 23/07/2023 13:12

I've known my step daughter (11) since she was 18 month old. We got on well at first and I loved her to pieces, but as she's gotten older I'm finding myself really disliking her.

Shes taking on more and more of her mothers traits, and her mother was physically and sexually abusive towards my husband, and still is verbally and emotionally abusive towards him, and me at times. She's started talking to us in the same tone her mother uses, belittling everything we say and do. Nothing is ever good enough.

She refuses to eat anything other than sweets, crisps and chocolate, which we cannot feed her here because we have 2 young children that don't get to do the same.

She wants to stay up all night on her tablet, then causes merry hell when the Internet disconnects, waking up the other children. Or she will try and sleep in until midday, and get vicious if she's woken up before then by the goings on in the house.

She expects everything but will do nothing to help. For example, she just drops rubbish where she stands and expects us to pick it up, but won't lift a finger around the house.

She refuses to wash or brush her teeth so she smells pretty horrible, but you can't force her to wash. She's racist, homophobic and bigoted, just like her mother, and I have LGBT family members so that doesn't sit well with me.

Now it's the summer holiday we are expected to have her alternating weeks and I just can't do it. I've tried talking to my husband but it just dissolves into an argument. Our other kids don't want her here. I don't want her here. If she behaved like this as an adult, I wouldn't associate with her.

I know that I Do not have to like my stepdaughter, I just have to try and be a decent parent, but that's so very hard when I'm afraid of her!

OP posts:
SeulementUneFois · 24/07/2023 06:42

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Kokeshi123 · 24/07/2023 06:53

No doubt someone will be along in a minute to pull a sanctimonious face and say "Poor girl. It sounds like you don't like her very much."

I wouldn't like the girl the OP describes very much either.

Totaly · 24/07/2023 06:54

Ah but James Bolger's killers were only wittle witlle babies...

Unnecessary.

carrot87 · 24/07/2023 06:54

CurlewKate · 24/07/2023 06:35

Poor child. She sounds utterly miserable. Who's helping her?

By the looks of things her step mother ....

Totaly · 24/07/2023 06:56

Her step mother wants to step away, but the sounds of it with good cause.

Her parents have washed their hands of her and OP can’t do it alone. OP is not in a position to help other than say no to having her over the holidays.

If this then puts pressure on the girls parents to seek some help then that’s a good thing.

CurlewKate · 24/07/2023 06:58

She sounds vile. She also sounds like a desperate, unhappy, badly parented child who needs help. Both things are possible.

WimpoleHat · 24/07/2023 07:02

I know that I Do not have to like my stepdaughter, I just have to try and be a decent parent

You don’t have to like her - but you don’t have to try to be her parent. You have to be polite and courteous when she comes to see her father. He’s her parent; let him step up and deal with her shit. Disengage. Let him. Don’t agree to look after her on your own and put your focus on your own kids. You simply won’t win here.

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 24/07/2023 07:02

I would let your dh know he is responsible for her, when she is with you he needs to book her into a holiday activity. If he doesn’t take her to his work and leave her there.

When she is home try to ignore the not washing, it’s hard but don’t focus on the negative stuff. Hide all the junk food. It can’t be an option to just eat crap if there isn’t any. Find something she likes to do, and try to create some fun with her siblings.

If you don’t get any support from your DH can you go and stay with someone while she is at your place?

Oatycookies · 24/07/2023 07:02

uneffingbelievable · 24/07/2023 02:42

You hve tried to reason with your husband that he should not have his daughter in her home everyother week.

Can not think why that went badly

exactly. As a POC I’d be especially horrified to have a racist stepchild but nothing justifies trying to reduce the time a father spends with his daughter especially when the mother doesn’t sound too great. The child was there before you came so you don’t get to do that IMO. The child is a victim of a bigoted parent, she shouldn’t be punished further by having to spend most of her time with that woman. Not saying it’s not a difficult situation but I disagree with pushing back against her staying with you.

For the record I wouldn’t sign up to be a stepparent unless the kid was an adult for this exact reason, I wouldn’t want to put up with this sort of behaviour but the fact is you signed up to it so there was always this possibility as cute cuddly babies may not stay this way when they grow up!

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 24/07/2023 07:16

I have one of those 'tweens'. She is clean, has limits on devices, certainly doesn't drop rubbish where she stands and has chores. Yes she has attitude but always comes round and apologises.
You need to put your foot down about the holidays if your DH won't be around. Start thinking about what's best for your children and start saying no. If her parents can't be bothered parenting then you certainly shouldn't be expected to.

cuckyplunt · 24/07/2023 07:21

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Mble · 24/07/2023 07:27

She has been left in the hands of an apparently abusive women. Her father allowed that to happen. How did you all think this would pan out?

Oatycookies · 24/07/2023 07:28

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 24/07/2023 02:52

My thought too. Not so much OP needing to encourage him but he should be trying to help her and that means going to court and seeking to have her most of the time. If I was OP though and he got this I'd be moving out for a bit while he sorts it. I wouldn't want that behaviour around my kids, I think it's very understandable, but that poor child doesn't stand a chance if her Dad doesn't try and step up and fix this. She's only 11.

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I agree with all this. Do what you feel you you need to protect your children but the father should still be stepping up. That is HIS child.

eatsleepfarmrepeat · 24/07/2023 07:42

Oatycookies · 24/07/2023 07:02

exactly. As a POC I’d be especially horrified to have a racist stepchild but nothing justifies trying to reduce the time a father spends with his daughter especially when the mother doesn’t sound too great. The child was there before you came so you don’t get to do that IMO. The child is a victim of a bigoted parent, she shouldn’t be punished further by having to spend most of her time with that woman. Not saying it’s not a difficult situation but I disagree with pushing back against her staying with you.

For the record I wouldn’t sign up to be a stepparent unless the kid was an adult for this exact reason, I wouldn’t want to put up with this sort of behaviour but the fact is you signed up to it so there was always this possibility as cute cuddly babies may not stay this way when they grow up!

Show quote history

Is she going to be spending any time with her father though, or is he going to be working and expecting OP to parent for him?

toomuchlaundry · 24/07/2023 07:48

What is she like at school?

Lwrenagain · 24/07/2023 07:50

Hello op, I have looked after a child with some extremely racist/bigoted sayings, but they weren't his views or opinions, he was simply trying to connect with his birth family. That childhood confusion of, "If I say things they say, they'll love me more". So once he came to me and it was my affection he craved, he soon stopped the inappropriate things and became less Tommy Robinson.
I did do ALOT of work with him on why bigotry was horrible, we explored different faiths and cultures through food, religious festivals, going to places of worship to chat to people, going to restaurants to talk to people and most of my friends are LGBT so he became used to them. As I say, his words were bigoted and offensive AF, his views weren't aligned. He was just craving acceptance.

The violence and personal hygiene really do need dealing with now, can you take her to the shop to pick her own toiletries? That would be my first port of call and at 11 she needs to be aware how important hygiene is especially with puberty.

Would she benefit from timers? We've done that with our ASD kiddos, shows them how long they need to brush teeth for etc?

I'm not directing these jobs at you btw @CatMum96, they're things her dad should do, but I know from my own step parenting days of a daughter her DF did sweet FA.

I'm an asd parent and rarely ever suggest a child is asd on these boards, but I am wondering does your dsd have sensory issues? She certainly isn't behaving like a typical 11 year old.

Lastly, you sound very concerned and it's nice that she has someone who is. I know it's frustrating for you, she certainly doesn't sound likable, but clearly there is a lot going on.
I hope things are resolved with her soon. Her dm sounds a horror.

Good luck 💐

Tapasgoofy · 24/07/2023 07:50

noglow · 23/07/2023 13:40

Ah the tweenage years. Hopefully she'll mellow a bit. In the meantime remove yourself from the situation as much as possible.

I don’t know any 11 year olds who sound as horrible as the OP step child. This isn’t typical normal behaviour. My 12 year old never displayed any of the above behaviour!

Tapasgoofy · 24/07/2023 07:55

Who is going to be looking after her with this week on week off stuff? If it’s you then say no… dad has to be there 24/7 and if he has to work in the day then she can’t stay with you.

Her behaviour is unacceptable… and it will rub off on your kids.

I’d remove her tablet full time when she’s at your until her behaviour improves.
Remove all junk food, if she doesn’t eat what’s cooked then tough.

FrauleinElsaMars · 24/07/2023 07:56

SemperIdem · 23/07/2023 15:40

How much does does she spend with her dad vs her mother?

I would be encouraging my spouse to go court over this. This child, who granted sounds as though she is very unpleasant, is being done a huge disservice by her parents. Her mother for actively turning her into what she is now, and her father for seemingly passively allowing it to happen.

This. She's a child, being brought up by someone you KNOW is an abuser. Your husband got himself out but didn't get his daughter out. Surely he can't be surprised that she's displaying this behaviour?

Hillstreet · 24/07/2023 08:01

Her behaviour sounds awful but that doesn’t mean her dad can stop parenting her, she is his responsibility. If you don’t want to live with her for half the holidays (and whatever other contact time is in place), your only option is to split up.

SydneyJKL · 24/07/2023 08:08

Your DH ( with your support) and involving your SD need to plan to change her behaviours.

Seek advice, plan small changes in expectation, be consistent, set boundaries, include positive praise when she meets expectations - all the usual actions of a parent.
How is she at school? Are they concerned about her discriminatory behaviours?

These are the actions any parent would take to change a behaviour in their child.

Knowing how she is at school, or at another club/interest will give you an idea of whether she adjusts her behaviours to meet expectations.

Children are very adaptive. She will learn to adapt to meet the expectations in your home, if your DH, with your support, sets them and is consistent in applying them.

Willyoujustbequiet · 24/07/2023 08:50

Mble · 24/07/2023 07:27

She has been left in the hands of an apparently abusive women. Her father allowed that to happen. How did you all think this would pan out?

This

Your DH needs to seek custody and be a bloody father instead of leaving a child in an abusive environment.

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 24/07/2023 09:04

The type of behaviour your DSD is exhibiting will take a lot of time and love (& possibly therapy) to change.

If her mother isn't prepared to do that, then your DH needs to step up and become her full-time parent to ensure your DSD is clean and healthy (both in body and mind).

Obviously this means DSD being in your home more, so you may choose to move out with your younger DC while this happens as I doubt it will make for a happy home.

I also doubt your step-daughter's mum will be keen to give up full custody, so there will be even more conflict there, but if you really want what's best for the child then it sounds like she needs some really consistent, hands-on parenting and if you're saying your DH is the better parent, then he needs to take that role on.

CwmYoy · 24/07/2023 09:13

You have done all you can. Time to refuse to have her in your home unless her father is there to deal with her.

Kokeshi123 · 25/07/2023 04:49

If her mother isn't prepared to do that, then your DH needs to step up and become her full-time parent to ensure your DSD is clean and healthy (both in body and mind).

Obviously this means DSD being in your home more, so you may choose to move out with your younger DC while this happens as I doubt it will make for a happy home.

He won't, though. He'll continue working and expect the OP to look after this girl all day long.

Even if he does, perhaps the OP does not want to be the sole breadwinner supporting a stay-at-home husband who lives in a separate household to her?

I think limiting the amount of time this girl spends in the OP's home, while talking to SS, is the only route to take here.