AIBU - school events

[natalia112]

I've name changed for anonymity!

Myself and DH have been together 6 years - we each have DC from previous relationships but none together.

My DD is leaving primary school this year and as such has lots of leavers events and assemblies. DH hasn't come to any as he's been at work, and despite it hurting my feelings a bit as he does take time off/leave early for his DC's school events I understood.

However tomorrow the school have a big evening event celebrating the year 6 leavers and it's quite a big deal to the children. It is outside of DH's work hours but on an evening he usually sees his DC.

DH has his DC two evenings a week during the week, as well as staying at our home at the weekend, and Wednesday is one of their usual nights - they live a bit of a distance from us so he usually takes them out near by their home rather than back to ours - he asked if they would like to come to the event and they said no. He has now just left it that he won't be able to come as it's his night with DC.

AIBU to expect DD to be put first this once? I feel DSC have been given the option to see dad but just go to the event but it would mean the world to DD if he step dad is coming too, my ex and his wife will be there so it's more noticeable that DH isn't. Do I need to just suck up that his DC are his priority?

Tbh I have not been to a single one of my DSS's school events and I do not view that as a big deal. I think it's quite OTT that you were hurt he didn't take the day off for previous events - even actual dad's don't do that half the time.

Three adults is already a lot to celebrate her, I do think this is less of a big deal than you feel it is, yes. In his shoes I'd have probably just told my kids that's what we were doing that night rather than giving them the choice (so perhaps there's a bit of Disney dadding going on), but that depends on the distance. I wouldn't have considered it worth it if they lived, say, an hour away.

Yeah this.

If it was important to him to go he should have just told the kids that's what was happening that night instead of giving them the option. Would they be allowed to attend anyway as there's usually a limit at these things?

Do you attend school events for his kids?

I don't understand why he would go to your DD event. Has he been her step father from very young?

And of course his DC are his priority - I am assuming yours are too?

I’d feel the same as you OP; I’d want to be there for my DSD in that scenario. I go to anything that I can to show her that I value her education and have an interest in her life.

@Marblessolveeverything he’s been in the child’s life since she was 5 based on them being together 6 years so why would he not want to go? He lives with the child and is part of bringing her up. By not seeing his children on one occasion that’s hardly not prioritising his DC.

I am sorry but surely 3 adults are plenty for the DD to mark the occasion. In particular her father and mother?

To me this is a communication issue - OP did you ask him when the invitation come or did you assume he would come and he assumed no he wasn't going.

I am reading this as an OP wanting her partner to want to put DD first? Whereas he has in his head - DC night so not available ?

How many of your DSC school events do you go to?

I wouldn't give up my spare time to go to my SC events. They have a mum and dad for that.

To answer a couple of questions - I don't attend every one of my SC school events as often I can't get the childcare, I also don't expect DH to attend every one but I guess it just stings that he is always able to leave early to attend his DCs - I have gone to DSS leavers performance, and prom night, and a few nativities - I have to organise a babysitter so it is slightly different as there's usually a cost to it too.

DH has helped to raise DD, lives with her and day to day is in her life so I think this being a big event to her, it would have meant to the world to her - and whilst yes his DC are his priority in general it is just saying one less evening of that week, in the same way as me sacrificing my evening with DC when leaving with a babysitter.

Are there no limits to the number of guests per child at school events like this ? Nativities often have a 2 tickets per performance sort of limit which makes it easier to decide who attends.

Assuming that the stepkids are the same age or older, it's not surprising that they would rather not attend. If it was important then dad shouldn't have made it optional.

Both DCs and DSCs assign two tickets per family but four tickets to separated family's so both sets of parents can attend.

This particular event has no limit as it's based outside so grandparents/siblings etc are all invited and welcomed.

These leaving events that parents attend were not a thing when I was at school - they happened during the day with just the kids present, which I think is part of why it seems a bit OTT to feel the need for the whole family to be there.

I don't think it should be a big deal for him to miss seeing his kids because something else is going on, given how much he sees them, I just also don't think it's a big deal for him not to go. Two parents attending a school event is already good going, three is a lot of support, four is loads. If he's expressing an interest in her, wishing her a nice time etc, I don't think this should matter too much.

She's got plenty of people going for her,.he's right to put his children first

He has a prior commitment to his DC.

Even in families when its just the birth parents, its pretty normal to have to split if your children have different events or commitments at the same time.

You’re obviously upset but you did ask and I think you’re being unreasonable.

What’s the relevance of her dad and stepmum being there? Are you embarrassed to go without DP?

I'm with your DH on this.

As you've said he's been in her life, he sounds like he's very present; he also needs to be present for his DCs too.

They're his children. You should commend him for putting them first. Your DD comes 2nd I'm afraid.

He has his children they don't want to go. End of

It’s his night to see his children, of course he can’t cancel to do something with your daughter.

His only real options were to miss the event or make his children come along. I think he made the right decision, your daughter already has parents going to support her.

I personally try to avoid school functions for my own kids as it's a lot.

That said I think that you thought there was a quid pro quo going on here, with your dh asking you to attend for DSc and you thought he would do the same for yours. It's shitty but it's not about the events itself.

I imagine this is a bit of a red herring in terms of your relationship and how happy you are in it ?

Needless to say I'm in the camp of school events make me want to claw my eyes out. So I may be biased in this regard.

You're being ridiculous

I guess I just don't see it like prioritising his DC/me prioritising mine - I just see it as we are one family so I attended important events as to support DSC even when it meant having to leave DC at home with a babysitter, it wasn't prioritising the DSC on that day, just that they had an important event and that evening was about them.

I just mentioned ex and step mum as it will be more noticeable that DH hasn't come, as everyone else made it - despite their own commitments - to support DD on her special day.

And yes obviously even bio families have to split up for separate events - and it would obviously be different if DSC had an important event on the same day then I'd totally understand, but in this scenario DH spends 4 of 7 evenings with DSC so I guess I'm just upset that DD can't be put first on one of them as a one off.

His ex would presumably have to change her plans if your DH didn't see his kids. You shouldn't expect his ex to switch her plans for something like that.

I think most parents would just split up, and one parent stay at home with the younger kids if they couldn't come along, rather than hire a babysitter. If he expects you to attend for his DC but won't do the same in return, yes that's a shitty double standard, but I don't think it's necessary for either of you to do it.

What’s the relevance of her dad and stepmum being there? Are you embarrassed to go without DP?
I think this may be the crux of it.
On the surface, ex and his partner look to be the 'better' (more involved/ caring) parents.
Having said that, personally if I wanted to support DSD, I would have told DC they were welcome to attend or I would see them on an alternative evening.